Firstly, I am lesbian.
I was introduced to my future partner at our office. After some 3 years we decided to purchase a house and live together. My family were accepting,Gwen's were extremely hostile. After many years, our long service leave came due. Gwen told me to take mine as she was "feeling tired. I had a wonderful trip but was told on return that she had died of a virulent cancer. A neighbour had told the hospice Gwen's family address. When informed she was dying they refused to visit asking only to be told when she died so theycould claim the remains. This they did, burying her n a private cemetary under the words. "UNKNOWN TO GOD". This caused me and my family intense suffering. I have learned to forgive them for their treatment.
Irrespective of your possible opinions of myself and Gwenneth. what is your opinion of the treatment of a daughter who could still love them, in spite of 42 years of abuse.
Rose P.
2006-12-01 15:56:29 · 27 answers · asked by rose p 7 in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
This happened some time ago. The person I have been unable to forgive is myself for numerous failings.
RP.
2006-12-01 16:24:34 · update #1
Rose, I am so very sorry for your loss. Now, let an old grey nurse talk to you for a bit. Sometimes people know they are very unwell, but cover the symptoms "for a while" because a loved one has something important that they want them to do, like a trip, and do not want anything to get in the way. If this is the case, Gwen sort of made the decision for you to go by not giving you all the information. I am pretty sure she knew something was very wrong for some time. If she was as strong as she was young, she could probably hide quite a bit. Maybe not good choice, but a very comman choice of many adults.
Sometimes virulent cancer can grow and spread for a very long time with very few symptoms and then there are an overwhelming number of symptoms, including very intense pain. If Gwen was suddenly placed on a large number of painkillers very quickly, she may not have been able to express her desire to contact you in a way that made sense.
If her family was contacted and you were not physically present to exercise any legal power of attorney that you had arranged, they became the decision makers, and the health care workers must repect that legal role, even if it means not trying to contact you. They likely had no choice. I doubt Gwen had much choice either. I saw the same senario many times as a hospice worker, usually with gay couples, sometime interracial or mixed religious denomination couples. It would make us so mad that .....Sh**!
If she were in a hospice, they would not have had your information to contact you, because her family would have had to provide it. If she were in a hospital or a hospice, she was not alone. She had people that sat with her, cleaned her, cared for her, rubbed her back, held her hand, gave her medicine but not alone.
Gwen sounds like an amazing strong, forgiving, loving person, and I am happy you had years together. I very seriously doubt that she would want you to carry her memory with this much pain. Please do not take away the happiness and joy that she gave you and replace it with what...this? No. baby, that is just wrong.
I will give you the speech that I would use when I worked hospice, death is like birth, it is an intensely emotional watershed moment in your life and the lives connected to you. Nothing will ever be the same after either. But, they are just short time events that are quite brief and out of the control and responsibility of those around them. When you compaire the few moments or hours or days to the years of love, commitment, humor, sacrfice and joy that the person brings to these same lives, it does not take away from the death and loss, but it keeps it in perspective. I doubt Gwen would ever allow anyone to treat you to the pain that you are feeling. If you can be kind enough to forgive her family for that outragous treatment of the both of you, can't you forgive yourself for ..being out of town. For the sake of who she was, it is time to forgive the person she loved the most. God bless you and keep you safe.
2006-12-02 03:19:56 · answer #1 · answered by PJ H 5 · 37⤊ 1⤋
im just wondering how long you were absent, and why you didnt have close friends or neighbors who could have contacted you, or why couldnt gwen herself have contacted you at some point before she got to ill to do so? also, why did this neighbor give gwen's family's address to the hospice--did gwen tell them to? why didnt gwen ask that you be contacted instead? were you somewhere where you were incommunicado? this story sounds full of holes to me. but if its a true account, then yes, by all means this is horrid and abominable treatment of a daughter.
2006-12-02 00:03:59 · answer #2 · answered by mickey 5 · 5⤊ 0⤋
I don’t understand these parents at all! I know one situation where the parents physically tortured their son when they found out he was gay. They thought they could beat it out of him, and this was a young man already living with physical disabilities.
How can parents be so cruel to their own?
I am so sorry for your loss, you have a wonderful forgiving heart. Considering her family, Gwen was very lucky to have found you.
2006-12-02 00:09:00 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 7⤊ 0⤋
Rose, I'm sorry for your loss first of all. I usually have a hard time answering questions like this. You and your family have a right to be bitter. I don't know what Gwen suffered from her family but it sounds like it was terrible. I know what family can do to a person. I'm just glad that she and you had your family as well. I wish I could tell you something that would help you get through this tough time but sometimes words from a stranger are just that.
2006-12-02 00:00:53 · answer #4 · answered by Tact is highly overrated 5 · 11⤊ 2⤋
By the gods.................
This is terrible. Oh, I'm so so sorry. This should never have happened to either of you. This is so terrible. I'd give you a hug if I could.
Excessive... that's an understatement. This is just awful. This family should be ashamed.
By the gods................... I couldn't imagine. I just couldn't. How it would be to suffer that from my husbands family...... painful.
I don't even have the words. My heart goes out to you and your family. And I'm so sorry your lover was treated that way.
Yes, I know I have nothing to apologize for but still..... you have my sympathies. Much good they may do.
And you have my support. This is why I believe so strongly in gay rights. This kind of thing should never ever happen.
I think another poster put it well... repulsive. Their behavior was simply repulsive. Disgusting. No one should ever be treated the way you and your lover have been.
2006-12-02 00:08:20 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 3⤋
Oh, sweetheart, how horrible. I am so sorry for your loss.
Know that people who would do such a thing will suffer the natural consequence of stewing their lives away in their bitterness.
Live your life in remembrance of the love you had, and live your life in the spirit of forgiveness you have for her family. Don't let their spitefulness prevail in your heart, and it surely won't be able to.
2006-12-02 00:12:58 · answer #6 · answered by Snark 7 · 9⤊ 1⤋
Gwen was a human being, probably a very nice person, and their flesh and blood daughter. I think that in treating her like this, they will probably bear guilt and shame the rest of their lives - probably even more guilt or shame than they tried to make Gwen feel for her chosen lifestyle. She's in a better place now and it's their turn to suffer, so pity them.
2006-12-02 00:02:01 · answer #7 · answered by Rainfog 5 · 8⤊ 3⤋
My, you have suffered much in your lifetime. I can only empathize.
As Yeshua Messiah/Jesus Christ [PBUH] taught us: "Blessed are the merciful; for they shall obtain mercy." It is indeed noble and Christian-like of you to have forgiven your transgressors, quite a difficult task to achieve to say the least.
As a parent, I cannot see myself treating any of my children the way that Gwenneth was by hers in the end. And for that, I am truly sorry...
Peace be with you.
2006-12-02 00:12:14 · answer #8 · answered by Arf Bee 6 · 7⤊ 1⤋
GRRRRRRRRRRRR.
That is how I feel towards Gwen's "family". Blood ties do not a family make. I have learned that the hard way!
I'm sorry for the way Gwen's blood treated her. There is no excuse for this abuse and humiliation. Their own judgement will be terrible at the hands of God.
I really hope they aren't parading around posing as "Christians". That would really suck!
2006-12-02 00:02:38 · answer #9 · answered by MamaBear 6 · 8⤊ 4⤋
That should be illegal, to write such despicable words on someone's tombstone. That absolutely disgusts me. How DARE they claim that anyone is "unknown to God"! I think that family needs to get to know God better themselves.
I think it is amazing for the daughter to be so forgiving and loving, and for you also to forgive them. That is sign of really great character and I admire you and her.
I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope that family's treatment does not get to you.
2006-12-02 00:07:36 · answer #10 · answered by Heron By The Sea 7 · 9⤊ 2⤋