Is it bad etiquette to ask guests at a child's b-day party to pay?

Question

My oldest child is in 3rd grade, and he has a birthday coming up in the next two weeks. He desperately wants to have his birthday at the local community center, where the kids can climb the rockwall, play basketball, & go swimming. His classroom has a policy of inviting the WHOLE class, or no one, so that kids don't come to school talking about so & so's party and leave " little suzy-who-wasn't-invited out." There are 27 kids in his class, and there would also be roughly a dozen kids from our family & friends. I expect most of the boys & a few of the girls from class would show up, at a cost of $14 per kid. We're talking about a $250 party if approximately 20 kids show up without even buying food & presents yet!! So....I was thinking about asking the families to pay $7 per kid, and I would also put something on the invitations to the effect of "Your presence, not your presents, is requested for Ethan's 9th birthday." Would it be tacky of me to make that request, or is it fair?

Answer 1

The bottom line is that you cannot afford this party so don’t even go there. What when your other children want similar events for their birthdays? It doesn’t stop, does it? Asking people to pay is not acceptable. Regarding this birthday, it takes courage to call a halt to whole-class affairs. I don’t believe all children are friends. YOU would not expect to ask ALL your colleagues to YOUR party, would you? Why should children be forced to do so? Some mums may whisper behind your back but I believe others will be mightily relieved. Your son may receive some hostility at school that may be difficult for him to handle but children are not stupid; if you are able to explain to him it should help him to cope.

I love your line ‘Your presence is required...’ You could use that and try to turn the event into a fundraiser (if you feel you have to invite everyone). Your options would seem to be either a birthday tea at home or a picnic somewhere. Your invitation might read ‘Your presence is required but no presents please as we are supporting .....(maybe the school charity). There will be a box to receive anonymous monetary gifts that would have been spent on presents.’ When you get the receipt from the charity, this could be published in the school newsletter with a ‘thank you’ and as proof as to where the collection went. Your son may even rise up in status for his kindness.

After his birthday, let him choose a couple of real friends to take to this adventure centre. You could also organise a whole class event at some time in the future where people pay to join in as in any outing. In fact parents may possibly think you are rather a super-mum for doing this.

Two decades ago I refused to hand out party bags, which suddenly became popular in England. I have three children one of whom is disabled, work and found the gifts often discarded. What a waste of time and effort. I gave instead a bar of quality chocolate. Some children screamed at me but I doubt if any of them are receiving counselling because of it! Good luck. Be strong.

Answer 2

That is very tacky, but your kids' classes policy is awful, too. Talk to some other parents and see about getting it changed. All the guidelines I know about for kids parties say invite as many as your kid is old, or that plus one, so for an 8 year old that would be 8 or 9 kids. Not many parents probably want to host a party for 27 kids. Get together with some other parents and get the policy changed. When I was a kid sometimes for my birthday I would get to have one friend sleep over. I guess if I was at that school I wouldn't have had anything because my mom would never have gone for a party that big. Kids need to learn that some people don't get invited to some people's parties- it's not a huge deal. You're probably going to get invited to parties for your friends and not for kids you don't hang out with. Plus that's a lot of presents for parents to have to buy and I don't think a kid should have to invite the class bully to his party. Anyway, I would say if you can't change the policy then do whatever you want- after all it's not like they can actually do anything to you if you only invite kids your son likes. They can't force you to invite the other kids and they're not going to hold your son back or anything for it.

Answer 3

This would not be a good thing to do. I have heard about people telling the guests to come to the location without a present, but that does not work very well. This is a good opportunity to teach your son about costs and realistic budgeting. Spending $14 per kid for entertainment sounds pretty expensive even if it was affordable.

There is nothing saying a kid needs to invite the whole class either. If he has 4 or 5 friends that he wants to attend, that is good.

If you invite the whole class it looks like you are trying to get a boatload of presents from kids that are not his best friends.

Answer 4

Absolutely tacky! If you cannot afford to invite the guests then you should come up with another idea. I recently had a birthday party for my daughter and wouldn't have dreamed of such a ridiculous thing! It's almost like a cover charge for little kids! I spent well over $250 and that was my choice. If you don't have the means then find another solution! I would laugh at a parent who would actually invite my child and then tell me, "by the way, that will be $7 for your child to participate!" Come up with another idea or lump it and splurge. But, whatever you do, don't ask for a cent from anyone for the party or you're going to look like a fool!

Answer 5

Well I know for a fact I would not be sending my child to that party. I mean who goes to a party expecting to have to pay? I would rethink the motive of the parents. If you can't afford the place then your child should pick another location. That is just super tacky. I cannot believe someone post this.

Just curious. How the hell does your child's school have control of what happens outside of school? I am sure your child knows how to pass out invitations. That is like inviting everyone at work to your wedding, even freaky Frank in the mail room. No body wants to do that.

Here is a question...did you make people pay to come to your wedding? There is NO difference. Shame

Answer 6

Our son's school had the same policy until he entered middle school. However, it really would be rude to ask parents to help foot the bill. It's almost like asking them to pay for 1/2 the party. We always invited his entire class. That being said, tell him that this year the party has to be somewhere else. Throw him a surprise party there when you aren't required to invite the entire class. That's what we did this year. We were finally able to have his party at ChuckEcheese because we could limit the number of guests. His party cost us $15 a kid, so we invited 10 kids that we KNEW would show.

Answer 7

Dont invite the whole class. Just invite some of his closer friends. I did that and it ended up being way more expensive than I expected. I also think it would be tacky. However if they are planning on bringing a gift, why not just donate the 7 dollars instead. But I honestly have no idea how to go about asking like that without sounding tacky.(obviously I skipped the part about the whole class thing being a policy..which is silly. who are they to say he cant just invite his close friends? that makes no sense)

Answer 8

"His classroom has a policy of inviting the WHOLE class" um excuse me? Are you throwing your child's birthday party, or is the teacher? If you are the host of the event, you decide how many people you can afford to invite. And no, you do not get to ask your invited guests to help you foot the bill. I have never of anything so silly.

Answer 9

Good question. I attended a party last year with my daughter to her friends party where the mother had rented the gymnastics gym for all kids. There was a big blow up slide, etc. for the kids to play on. We were not asked to pay. The child's mother worked there, so I don't know if that made a difference. However, you can probably rent the entire space for a flat rate instead of paying per child at the community center. Personally, I wouldn't ask, but if parents donated to the cost I wouldn't reject it either. But I wouldn't expect anyone to pay.

Answer 10

i don't like that policy. i would secretly approach my child's friends parents and invite just them. what is the school going to do expell your kid.
why would the school expect parents to hold parties with the whole class in attendance, most classes have about 25 kids in there. who in this world has a party with 30 kids in attendance.

u can also just have a little something at his school. bring in a special movie and a goody bags for everyone. I was going to say bring a cake, but most schools have a policy restricting that sort of thing because of possible allergies.