Do I owe the grandparents the right to see her?

Question

Ok here's my problem my ex got me pregnant than broke up with me. He was extremly controlling and emotionally abusive. When he kicked me out of his house he told me he never wanted to have anything to do with me or the baby ever. Now after she's been born his parents have tried to contact me but not once during the pregnancy. Also in that time I met a great guy who adoupted her and is her father in every sense of the word. Do I have to let them see her is there any way I can tell them that right now I just want to let her have her little family instead of introducing so many problems. and honestly the only member of his family that ever really treated me good was his father. but its hard since my ex lives with his father also. I just don't want to have anything to do with that family for the time being. I feel I have to protect my child. Any suggestions?

They continually try to get my ex to be involved in her life and I'm afraid that what happened to me will happen to her. I'm also trying to make a family with my fiance he is her father and she has many sets of grandparents that love her. Now my mom has suggested that she could update them and send them pictures for now and that would be the only contact between families. What do you think of that?

Also my ex already has a child who is almost 2 years old and he sees him as does the rest of his family.

What if the father raped me and also tried to rape one of my friends?

Answer 1

You need to make sure you have full soul custody. You also need to file for rights as he needs to sign his rights away OR pay child support. With child support, he also has the option of having visitations, even if it is 5 years down the road. The law is quite ignorant sometimes, remember that. So, suggest he signs the papers so 5 years down the road, he can't say "oh..I'll go visit" behavior.

You also say your significant other "adopted" her. I would assume legally if you already done the paper work for her bi logical father to sign rights away. Only way can offically legal adopt is to do so. I know this as my step sister went through that whole issue, same with changing my niece's last name to her now married last name. etc.

As much as I know you want to limit contact, you also have to remember this is about your daughter, not you and him. There is never too much love to go around. The more who love and want to be involved, the better for her development. That doesn't mean you can't be her parent and be in control of the situation. You can set limits and boundries!. that is part of you being her mother. Even 1 weekend a week of visting is good enough at the moment.

In your gut you still feel visiting is not a good idea, then that all should be respected. Until you feel comfertable, do send pictures, letters and updates to allow at least some form of contact incase they play the grandparent rights in court. At least you can show you did assert some contact, just giving some protection in being a parent due to past issue with your ex etc.

For legal advice, do contact a family court Attorney to find the best route in this issue among custody v.s child support v.s visitation of family etc.

Answer 2

I was in a similar situation to that. This is really you're decision, but my gut instinct would be no. Funny that she doesn't want to meet your daughter until now. Maybe you two should exchange letters for now, or phone calls. Give her updates and pictures if she wishes until you figure out what her plans really are.

As for the grandfather, I understand he treated you well, but the fact that your ex lives there is horrible. If somethine were to happen, he's going to chose his son's side. Also, do you want your child ever in a situation where your ex could be near her? Is there anyway you could get around that?

I guess all you really can do is talk with your husband/boyfriend. Ask him how he feels about this. And take it really slow with your ex's mother. That's some dangerous territory right there. You're in a horrible situation, but you'll do what's best for you baby. Take care and be careful.

Answer 3

First and foremost, you have to take care of your child. If you feel like the environment surrounding your ex's family isn't a good one, then don't place your child in that environment. You as a mother know what is best for your child and if you feel your child may have the same things happen to her and in any way could be in danger of emotional abuse or other, I wouldn't do it. I would sever all ties with your ex's family. You have no obligation to them and when your child gets older and will be able to understand things, if you feel your child should know about his grandparents, then tell her. Your child now will not be able to understand and going from one family to another may just confuse her.

Answer 4

You don't OWE them anything. Unless they have grandparents rights, then it is simply your choice as to what you do. You really do need to think about this choice and perhaps talk to your pastor, and not just take what we say you should do.

I was in a similar situation. I left my first husband, and about 2 weeks later found out I was pregnant. I was never real close to his parents, and I told him it was up to him to tell them about the baby. He didn't have anything to do with me during the pregnancy and neither did his family. His mom finally called me when my son was 4 weeks old. I never got any help from that family with diapers, car seat, crib, nothing. But the law said I had to let my ex see him, since he requested visitation rights, so I had to let his parents too.

If you ex signed away his rights, then unless the grandparents are given rights by the court, you don't HAVE to do anything with them.

Answer 5

I grew up without grandparents, my children lived too far away to see their grandparents on my side or their father's side. After my parents died I decided it was better for the kids and their remaining grandmother for them to be able to see each other. It was a good choice.

Don't think of it as you owing the grandparents the right, you owe your daughter the right. Nobody spoils a child like a grandparent. It is good for kids to get that love and attention. It is also good for them to know where they came from, what their roots are.

In your situation, talk to them, I am sure they would agree to seeing her without the father being around or meeting you to see her. She's their legacy, an extension of themselves, and they love her too. You will feel better for it, she will be better for it and the grandparents will feel better for it as well.

Lastly, do you know if the grandparents knew if you were pregnant? Their "wonderful" son may have kept them in the dark as to that issue. I hope this all works out for you.

Answer 6

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Answer 7

I had a similiar situation like yours. I have 4 children now but my first son is not my husbands. My sons father told me the same thing about not wanting anything too do with our son. So I said fine, I do not need a deadbeat dad in his life anyway..

His mother called me after she found out that I had the baby and I went over there to let her see her grandson one time. A week later she asked me to bring him over and I told her that I can't do that anymore because his own father does not want anything to do with him, so why should I bring him to see his grandmother.. She said that she understood and never called me again. If she really loved her grandson she should have contacted me.

I feel like you should just deal with your husband and forget about your ex and his family.. Do not confuse your child.. Good Luck too you and I hope that everything works out..

Answer 8

The child has a right to know his grandfather. since he was decent to you, you should make some kind of arrangements for him to see the baby. As long as the grandparents arent abusive I dont see why they cant see the baby...on your terms of course. I wouldnt let them take the baby anywhere though. Let them come to you to be with her.
If in any way you feel your child is in danger than Id say no.

Answer 9

The grandparents have a legal right to see their grandchild. You can't keep this baby from them. They have a right to have visitation once a month or more if they wish. I don't agree with you , who are you to say it will cause problems. The child didn't pick her father, wake up, you did. Stop trying to control every situation, your child may benefit from knowing her grandparents. Sounds like you are trying to punish someone because of the way the babies father treated you. Remember no one forced you to sleep with him in the first place. You said he was controlling, look at yourself who are you controlling? I wish you the best of luck and I am glad you and your child have someone now who cares about you but don't deprived the child the love of a grandparent just because you can't get along with the father.

Answer 10

They will try and control you, as I'm sure he has regrets as I'm sure his parents regret it (parents always want grandchildren, but your ex's bad behaviour came from somewhere, right?). BUT if you have a new man and always will raise the child as the new man in his life as his father, you might better let the child accept things as they are and save the bombshell to a later date, and live as normal a life as you can. Some courts might decide you owe visitation rights if you ask for child support, so you'd have to be ready to make your abuse and abandonment case in court.