Rain
I am walking down the street
With the cold rain poring hard
With a t-shirt and blue jeans
In the pocket with a plastic card
I see a lady running
She wants to keep it dry
I hope she gets home in time
To her children she can't lie
The drops are falling fast
So freely from the sky
I look up to the clouds
They are moving quick and high
Then a sun ray I sight
That cracked the gloomy mist
But I hope the rain to last
Cause it washes what's on my wrist
Then a couple passing by
Their laughter booming joy
They looked pretty happy
The world they happily enjoy
So, on the sidewalk I walk
With the cars beeping at the side
And I smile and I laugh
The perfect way to hide
As my make up running down
I look with sparkle in my eye
I am glad it’s poring hard
Because nobody would notice that I cry
i know its not perfect, but its still in progress. tell me what u think, please!!!!
2006-12-01 09:30:17 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
I like it, I like how you save mentioning the tear til the end.
You might try edits as follows (and for the entire poem):
I am walking down the street / okay
With the cold rain poring hard / the cold rain pouring hard
With a t-shirt and blue jeans / wearing t-shirt and blue jeans
In the pocket with a plastic card / in the pocket a plastic card
At this point, I think the flow is lost. I think that was the only point. If you could change it to flow better that would be good.
then a sun ray I sight
2006-12-01 09:46:35 · answer #1 · answered by Taramasu2U 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it's really good. You might want to change the first verse a little because it sounds like you have your tshirt and blue jeans in your pocket. But maybe you meant it that way. it's really good though.
2006-12-01 17:47:28 · answer #2 · answered by Kevin's Gurl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
very good l Love poems about rain
2006-12-01 17:35:47 · answer #3 · answered by catsclaw 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sweetie, its really good, you have written a good poem for that age. Well done!
2006-12-01 17:33:49 · answer #4 · answered by Abercrombieluver223 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
not a lot there to comment on.
It is not a good poem.
but keep writing.
2006-12-01 17:37:49 · answer #5 · answered by Jack C 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I really like it! close to perfect! I like to write song's for my band so i know....good job!
2006-12-01 17:41:08 · answer #6 · answered by julia l 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It sounds great, now, all you need is a publisher.. Really it's great!!!
2006-12-01 17:34:04 · answer #7 · answered by LittleLady 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
its really cool. did you make that up? wow, you should be an author if you did. VERY PASSIONATE.
you should publish it!!
2006-12-01 17:34:13 · answer #8 · answered by shannon. 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
hmmmm, really very good. May I have another?
2006-12-01 17:34:03 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
thats good
2006-12-01 17:32:40 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋