Me and my fiance can't agree on discipline?

Question

Me and my fiance can't agree on discipline as far as spanking we agree on time outs and things like that. But when he was younger he ended up fearing his father and I wonder if there is an alternative to spanking like some way we can compromise but I've been thinking and I just can't come up with anything. Hes just afraid he'll lose his temper like his father did.

Answer 1

Listen to your fiance!!!! I agree that there is nothing wrong with spanking, but I do believe that you have to be honest with yourself and know if you can control it. I get the impression that his father didn't spank him. He abused him and called it a spanking. Not saying he all out beat him or anything, but the spanking was not handled appropriately. When handled in the right way it can be a great tool to teach your children, but if he already knows that he may have trouble controlling himself, then don't push it! You could be asking for a disaster. Consider the possibility of you spanking and not him, if his only concern is his temper. Most importantly come to a decision that you are both happy with. Don't wait until the child is there and watching the two of you debate over how to discipline him. Best of Luck!

Answer 2

Far more memorable to spanking periodically is emotional abuse. Children naturally use hitting and biting and throwing objects because they cant communicate well....adults can! Hitting is a emotional defense/abuse thing while spanking
is discipline but can confuse a child. If you do it you must be quite wise and careful, so it's best not to. Following thru with discipline is key to getting your point across. Your fiance is probably right about losing his temper if he voiced that concern. He was probably not allowed his own voice while growing up but show him and your children effective ways of dealing with frustration and anger. There are plenty of books on the topic no doubt. Peace.

Answer 3

I think you have two different issues. Your fiance's fear of repeating his father's pattern of abuse is a very legitimate one, and won't be fixed by deciding not to spank. Even without hitting he may model the same anger he grew up with. Depending on how traumatic his childhood was, he might consider counseling.

I personally do not believe in spanking, I feel it serves to vent the parents' frustration and is humiliating and unnecessary for discipline. However, no matter what form of discipline you choose, the most important thing is consistency!

Answer 4

First & foremost if your fiance is not the children's biological father he shouldn't be disciplining the children at all. You are the maternal parent & you & you alone should handle the discipline. If you want to breed contempt for both you & your fiance then you are on the right track. If you wish to have their respect and an easier environment to raise them in then you should be the sole disciplinarian. You should accept his advice & there is nothing wrong with him correcting them but when it comes to doaling out the actual punishment it is you who should do it not him especially if there are issues with temper. Your children will only fear you if you give them reason to fear you & they'll respect you only if you give them reason to. What works in one family doesn't neccessarily work in another. Tailor the punishment according to the priviledges they have & the severity of their actions. Let common sense & conscience be your guide. Never anger!! Sometimes it's better to send them to their room until you settle down & use some reasonable thought before you act. Don't let your actions be a reaction in a fit of anger. You'll resolve absolutely nothing. Children are pretty clever & know just how far they can push. When they cross the line there should be consequences. When I was growing up all my father had to do was roll up his sleeves & start to take off his belt & give me the "look"! My attitude changed instantly. I got the odd swat but was never really spanked. The "look" was enough because I was taught right from wrong in a loving environment. I knew instantly when I had crossed that fine line of poor judgement & adolescent attitude.

Answer 5

Step-parents cannot effectively apply discipline; biological parents must do that with the support of their partner.

We are now in the 21st century. Any intelligent person who is literate can very quickly find far more appropriate ways to teach a human child discipline than 'spanking' them. 'Spanking' went out with cavemen.

I have an exceptionally well-behaved 3-yr-old who has never been spanked. It is not difficult to find alternatives to hitting children.

Answer 6

You seem to believe in spanking. I do also--in fact I am a big proponent--as a lot of younger parents seem to be doing (we have seen what a wonderful job the non-spanking social experiment did with the Boomers).

I would not tell anyone to give up spanking if it can be avoided. I think your fiance has valid reasons for not wanting to spank--and you are lucky to have a guy that is so understanding and introspective.

But then that leaves you:)

I am the primary disciplinarian and the only spanker in our house. Like me, maybe you will have to do the dirty job:)--better than having spoiled, bratty kids.

Answer 7

I have raised my son without spanking mainly for the reason your fiance fears. I was afraid if I hit my child he would bounce. I found other ways to discipline. I take things away or have him lay on his bed. One thing that was very effective was when he was little, he hated to wear collared polo shirts. If he misbehaved at school, he had to wear one of those the next day to school. Very effective. You just have to find out what makes your child tick and turn it into reward and punishment in a loving way.

Answer 8

It is a myth that you need to spank. Read up on child rearing. My father used to raise his voice and crack a belt but I was never hit. It took years for me to realize this. Anyway, using a firm voice and following through on repercussions for bad behavior is the best way to raise a child. Problems arise when parents don't mean what they say or are abusive.

Answer 9

YOU JUST HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT IT DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK NOTHING DOSE AT SOME POINT IN TIME. SPANKING IS GOOD WHEN IT ON THE HAND AT AGE 2 . HITTING IS A HARD QUESTION I AM NOT GOING TO LIE I HAVE, BUT DID IT SOLVE THE PROBLEM? NO,NOW HE HITS ME BACK. TIME OUT IN A CORONER IS GOOD WHEN THERE LEGS START TO HURT. WATCH THE NANNY IT SOUNDS DUMB BUT I HAVE USED A FEW THINGS THEY HAVE SAID AND ITS WORKED. YOU JUST HAVE TO BE OPEN MINDED WITH DIFFERENT WAYS OF DISCIPLINE FOR THE MISTAKE HER OR SHE HAS MADE.

Answer 10

Your children won't fear you for spanking if you use it correctly. Don't spank just because you're angry, spank only hard enough for it to hurt a second or two, never use an object to spank them, and never do it on a bare bottom. If a child is spanked and they know why they were spanked, they won't fear you--they'll respect you.