I am about 29 years old. I hven't been able to find someone i like enough to marry. So my parents have decided on an arranged marriage. They gave the contract of finding me a husband to someone they know. They themselves arent taking the trouble but trust that person who doesn't know me well. PLease advice me on wht to do to avoid getting a husband who is not compatible with me.
2006-12-01 06:20:56 · 32 answers · asked by indian girl 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Please note:
1. my parents want me to get married before I turn 30 and I haven't found somone on my own yet - that is why its going to be an arranged marriage
2. They arent selecting my husband - someone they know is doing it...and they'll agree to whoever that person recommends and wnt me to agree as well. They trust that person but that person barely knows me
2006-12-01 06:28:20 · update #1
I am not in USA. I am living in India with a full time job that doesn't pay me enough to survive on my own.
2006-12-01 06:35:12 · update #2
The match maker is no professional but just someone they know....an aquaintaince so to speak
2006-12-01 16:42:35 · update #3
Meet with the match-maker. Be calm and assertive. Do not ask. Explain. Tell this person who you are, what your hopes and dreams are, what love and marriage and family mean to you. The match-maker will be grateful to know as much as possible about you. He or she will want to make a healthy, lasting union. Do not be a child. Be a woman and help shape this union, if that is what you want. Also, please talk privately with your mother. She wants the best for you. Trust me. And, if you are not ready for marriage, whether it is arranged or not, she will listen and help you. Good fortune to you.
2006-12-01 06:35:57 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I sort of understand your parent's wish that you be married by 30, but age is just a number and these things shouldn't be rushed.
I'm from the UK where arranged marriage isn't that common. I do however know one girl whose parents are looking at the moment, and another man who had an arranged marriage about 12 years ago and who is very, very happy. So I believe it can work under the right circumstances. Nothing is certain - even a marriage between two people who have picked each other can fail.
I think you should tell your parents that, while you are happy to consider an arranged marriage, you would be much happier if it were them who were looking on your behalf, because you trust them. You also need to make it clear that the final decision is yours, and no-one elses, and that you will make that decision based upon your own feeling about him, having met him and got to know him.
Good luck!
2006-12-03 22:22:31 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is quite a tricky one because I am not of your culture but I do understand how important it is for your Parents to find a compatible spouse for you. I am also aware of the importance of marriage, and you are right to feel nervous and apprehensive. You are not a young girl who knows nothing of the world we live in. You are an intelligent young woman who's instincts are all ready telling her that this is wrong. Go with your gut feelings. These people that your parents have entrusted your future to don't know you, and may as well stick a pin in a phone book to find you a husband. Ask your parents to give you time to try and find someone for yourself or perhaps they themselves know someone. Apply for a better paid job or take on another to subsidise your income. Speak to a sympathetic member of your family that your parents respect. Don't ever get married without being a 100% sure and totally in love. Anything other would be a sham and cause you untold misery. I really wish you luck.
2006-12-04 11:55:59 · answer #3 · answered by The Redhead 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Where are you from? Girl get some guts about yourself and don't let anyone pick your future husband. Do you want to be miserable for the rest of your life if the suitor is not compatible? You are 29 and not being married is not a bad thing. Over here there are a lot of women that don't get married until a lot older. If your parents friend finds someone, see if they can give you time to get to know him and if you don't think he is then move on to the next one. Kind of like dating in a sense. Can you get out of the contract? What is you refuse? If you are feeling unsure about yourself then girl tell your parents how you feel and if they don't feel the same way then move or get out and make your own way by finding a husband. Don't go through with it if you are unsure because life is way to short to be miserable with someone. Good luck to you.
2006-12-01 06:25:17 · answer #4 · answered by amber 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
First...I don't agree with arranged marriages, but understand that some culturals are that way. I personally could not deal with an arranged marriage and if I had to, I would go running! I would want to marry someone that I am in love with, someone that compliments me and I compliment them.
Since you haven't found someone and the only option, it seems for you is an arranged marriage, why not try talking to the person who is looking for your soon to be husband? If you are allowed to by your cultural standards, talk to them and let your likes, dislikes, opinions, etc. be known to them so that maybe that will help with the search.
Good luck dear!
2006-12-01 06:38:03 · answer #5 · answered by Get_R_Done_n_Dallas 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
sorry, i have no experience with this sort of thing. I think arranged marriages are an interesting experiment, but you shouldn't get married if you're not into it. I suppose you could meet the guy prior to the marriage to make sure he's not a complete idiot? I think by age 29, if you haven't found someone yourself, then you'll probably really hate the person your parents pick out for you. good luck. I would just try to find someone myself--and quick!!!
2006-12-01 06:25:16 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
NO! its hard enough for people who know each other, when you dont know each other you will go through a period of politness and getting to know each other. then you might find that they are the right person, but if they are not, you are stuck, and the only way out is to divorce (which is bad enough, even if you've not had kids by then) or to spend the rest of your life miserable.
At 29 there is plenty of time left for you to find the person you are suited to, you may even find that marriage is not for you, dont do anything that you feel you are being presurised into doing. if your family really love you they should want to be happy for you and be tolerant of who yao are and not want they want you to be!
p.s. this is the longest answer i've ever given!
2006-12-01 06:26:43 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
i know this is a religion thing but in all honesty in this day and age arranged marriages are not as necessary as they used to be...i personally would never arrange a marriage for any of my kids, or get someone else to do it no matter what crypt or creed i was...i just think it's wrong...you could look on line and join a group of your own nationality, or go out and meet someone, i would hate it if my parents passed me onto someone else to be set up in a marriage...cant you talk to them and tell them you'll get married when your good and ready..or don't you mind that they are planning your life for you....don't get me wrong...each to their own but i really don't find arranged marriages right for some reason
2006-12-02 01:02:59 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
ok can i just say that just cos ur indian doesnt mean u have to have an arranged marriage... I'm indian too and i put my foot down with my parents a year ago when they suggested i find a man! i am only 21 and realised that i can just about look after myself!!! forget cooking and cleaning for a man! i suggest u speak with ur parents and tell them about ur anxieties... u dont want to get married into a family where ppl dont know u... end of the day the guy u marry needs to know u and understand ur needs... i'm not saying arranged marriages dont work out cos many i know have worked very well for both parties but i really think that if ur not happy u should speak up. u only live once (forget the whole reincarnation thing!!!) and huni its ur life! u cant live ur life for ur parents no matter how much u care about them!
another option is to agree to be introduced to guys thru this person who's looking for ur parents... as guys come along maybe arrange to go out for a meal or a drink with him to get to know him... i'm not saying a few dates will make it all better... it may make u realise wat it is u want and what u dont want..
above all remain positive! no where in any rule book does it say an indian girl has to be married off by the age of 30 no matter what your parents say... as much i respect and love my mum and dad, i know that their way of thinking is way different to mine..(they still live in the dark ages!!!) but bottom line is u should talk to them about ur issues and try and reach a compromise where all three of you are happy.
and i assure u wil find someone who will make u very happy.. marriage is for life pretty much and u should be 100% before entering into something like this! plus i know what it looks like in the indian community if a girl isnt married by a certain age, or her marriage ends up in divorce... remember as long as you are happy nothing else matters... indian ppl and indian communities are going to always gossip!!!
hope u find the happiness ur looking for! i'm sure u will.
x
2006-12-01 06:38:36 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't say do it or do it not. If u made up your mind go ahead, you can choose who u will love or hate. U will never be the same as anybody. That means u will NOT have 100% the same interest in things. No matter who it is. Get used to it. Say to yourself u must like it. U'll live with it. and u will fall in love. Just believe in yourself. Besides u'll never find a perfect guy when u'r rushed!!! Really wish I could help u more, but I don't have to much expierience with your situation. Thanks for reading!
2006-12-01 08:35:16 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋