Ok heres an idea....?

Question

if you read my previous question you have an idea of whats going on.
My daughter who is 11 yr old got grounded this morning. please read previous question for full details. Anyways I have come up with an idea since she is not a morning person and neither am I. I will talk with her after school and give her achance to clean her room, however there still has to be punishment forbad behavior this morning. I was thinking sh*t jobs around the house , like scrubbing the tub and taking out the trash, cleaning her cat litter box, so and so forth to get off grounding what do you think??
Fair or not fair?

I have Multiple Sclerosis and she does alot around the house as it is.. She does the dishes, her own laundry and regularly feeds and changes the cat water and scoops the litter. I am talking about scrubbing the cat box out and putting fresh litter in it
(yuck) a job no one likes. As for church and me no thanks un less u can find me a pagan temple.
I went to church as child and I belive its a great story that teaches morals thats it. I also think if she wants to go to church thats fine I support that but leave me out of it. I have went to her church programs I am not heartless.

Answer 1

hmmm....okay, just slighty confused, is this in addition to or instead of grounding, or is what you said about "to get off of grounding" to be taken literal, that she would stay grounded untill she does these things around the house?

if it is instead of, bad bad bad idea. Never change or revoke a childs punishment. It gives the impression not of "getting off the hook" but that you do not stand by what you say, and that with a few tantrums, or whines or whatever, she can manipulate you. Always go with whatever you say first, which is why it is so important to keep a clear head when all you want to do is throw her out the window! This does go true to the oposite though, a child who learns that you wont stick to your positive promises either, also learns you wont stick to negatives, so always follow through with promises and rewards!

If it is in addition, i think its a good idea. You want to make your room a mess? fine, you will learn that in this house we keep things clean ALL OVER. basically, punishment fits the crime.

But, if it is to get off of the grounding, thats the best yet. not only does the punishment fit the crime, but it puts the control of the punishment in her hands. The sooner she gets them done, the sooner she's free (although it is probably a good idea to set a minumum time limit for the grounding otherwise she will rush through things just to skip being grounded) and if she slacks on the chores, well then its is double her fault that she is still grounded. From this method she learns that she can control her actions, reactions and that her behavior has consequences, that she and only she can control fully what happens with her life. Never to early to start teaching that one!

Also, i read your earlier question. The church thing seems sticky, but there is an obvious answer to that one. When you sit her down and discuss things with her, let her know that you respect her right to go to church, however you feel that this is less a religous experience and more of a social one for her. Let her know that while you would never punish her from worshipping, you are not allowing any social activity. Therefore you have a compromise that she may either take, or not take, again its all up to her. Tell her she can go to church, but you are taking her and she must stay in the adult service. if its really about god and not friends, she will still go. but i'm willing to bet she wont. so this puts her in the drivers seat while allowing you the control a parent should have AND has the upside that you wont look lik an a$$ with your family "she decided she doesn't want to go afterall, she's going to use the time to try and get off of punishment sooner instead....."
good luck, and remember, stick to your guns, she's in those awful preteen years and if your going to nip the attitude in the bud you gotta stay tough on her...

Answer 2

Personal opinion here, but I think the chores in addition to the grounding would be fine. I don't think you should let her off the hook from the grounding. She'll get the idea that if she smarts off, etc, all she'll have to do is scrub the tub and clean the litter box and she'll be home free. If you dish out a punishment, you should stick with it...no matter how difficult it makes YOUR life. I disagree with grounding her from church though. While it's a fun activity for her, she still getting something out of it. Maybe you should go to church with her. Just a suggestion. ;)

Answer 3

If you already gave her the punishment, you shouldnt go back on it now. But if you havent, and you are looking for alternates to the grounding, those are good ones. My 10 year old daughter simply despises the kitty litter box. And we have been going through the same things in the mornings. Generally, I dont punish her, put its getting to the point I need to.

If you did give her the punishment, and you want to swap out the church part, for cleaning it could work. You are still sticking to the punishment, just altering it a little.

Good Luck, I know EXACTLY how you feel on this one!

Answer 4

We have a 12 year old daughter. Her punishment is usually no phone, no computer, no friends coming over, or her going anywhere. Last year she blew it big time and we didn't allow her to be in cheerleading. If the offense is bad enough, or if she gets mouthy with us, she gets the belt. However it's very seldom that she gets the belt, but she does understand that it's there if it's needed.

Answer 5

Those are great ideas for punishment. How about cleaning the garage out? Or doing laundry? Staying home all wknd and doing things in the house as well as taking all electronics out of her room. But please reconsider the church as a punishment.

Answer 6

Stick to your punishment!! I remember being grounded from hanging out with my friends...but my friend's mom is the one who brought me to church (the was down in TX) and We'd go to church, then have youth group which was basically hanging out with your friends....and having fun!! NOT going...made me realize that I REALLY screwed up!! Don't let anyone tell you different...you back down now...she's gonna know you will again...

Answer 7

Don't think you should change the punishment now. It might let her think that she got off the hook. I also think that kids should help with housework and yard work( age appropriate of course ) as part of normally family life. What happens when when their 20 and have to do it for themselves

Answer 8

Shouldn't she be helping with those jobs anyway??? My 6 year old son and 3 year old daughter are expected to help with those chores. I would think an 11 year old would have even more responsibilities....

Answer 9

Have a heart to heart with her and tell her how it makes you feel when she talks to you like that. my daughter understands when i get upset about how she talks to me and she tries harder. She still lapses, but she is my child and she wants to grow up so fast. she tries to be mom to the little kids because thats what she did when she lived with her step mom. Here she is a child. she has rules and chores in exchange for privileges. Good luck.
Tara

Answer 10

its better than grounding because she will associate an action with her misbehaving