How do we cope with alcoholic father?

Question

I'm 26 yrs old & I have a great mom who stays stressed all the time. I feel bad for her. My father is an alcoholic who is very mouthy, mean, & violent. He use to go a few days at a time without drinking, now he drinks everyday. I do not live at home & I'm married. My mom & younger sister (15 yrs old) moved out with my grandma but he wants them to stay with him. He calls her & wants her to come over & since he can't drive she takes him stuff. They don't want to live with him since he is an angry drunk. He still tries to have the say-so over my sister & won't let her date. She has a bf now but mom is keeping it from him bc he would be mad if he knew. He has never helped raise us so why does he care? I visit him sometimes & try to talk to him about my life & he just nods his head. He doesnt care. My mom always calls me telling me what kind of mean things he says 2 them n how he treats my her. I want 2 just erase this from my life n move on but it's hard seeing this happen to them. Help

It seems nothing will help him. He's been in prison before & he lost his drivers liscense, he don't have a job. He has just found out he has diabetes & heart problems. Also he due to go back to prison soon...

And even though I don't really have to live with it, it still bothers me & keeps me STRESSED out SO much!!

Answer 1

I relate with you 100%. Both of my parents are alcoholics. Unfortunately, you do not have the power to change the situation. There is nothing worse than watching such pain in your family. You love your parents very much and always will. That will never change. I am very sorry for you.

I recommend that you seek therapy for yourself. You need to make peace within yourself. That is the only power you have here. You can attend al-anon meetings. It is for people related to alcoholics. You will be able to meet and share stories with others in your exact position. There is nothing better that that to help you get through this.

I will not lie to you and say that it gets easier. It doesn't. My parents are very ill as well. I am powerless to help them. I urge you to always be honest with them about how you feel. It will help you to release your pain. However, it may not be enough to make your father change. Alcoholism is very difficult for everyone involved and unfortunately, there are no magical answers to your very sad situation.

Maybe you should serparate from your father. Not completely, though. Sometimes it is easier when you don't see it. The saying "Out of sight, out of mind" is true. It can help you.

I only see my parents every now and then. I limit my contact with them to the phone most of the time so that I will not have the pain of seeing what they are doing.

Good luck with everything and GOD BLESS YOU. I wish there were something I could say that would take your pain away. I ache for you.

Answer 2

I hope your mother, and possibly you and your sibilings can go to Al-Anon meetings. There she will find folks in similar situations and advice on how to cope with these issues.

Both my parents are recovering alcoholics. My father was very verbally abusive during my growing up years. Being brought up in this environment can wreak havoc with a persons self esteem.

I was the first to attempt suicide at 15, my sister was 21, my mother was 43, and my father was 53 years old.

Your dad has to hit his bottom before he is willing to change. Your mother needs to leave him, for her own life's safety.

Get her the book "Codependent No More" by: Melodie Beattie

And read about Codependency here http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=349

Answer 3

Your mom did the right thing about getting out,when she starts to talk about him, just remind her she is doing the right thing. My dad is 56 yrs old and all his life he has been an alcoholic and an addict,My life at home was hell.And my mom died in 1994 still married to the looser. Your mom needs to quit enabling him, she needs to cut off all contact with him. And be happy and live again.Encourage her,she probably has taken his abuse so long she doesn't know how to get out and stay out.Spend time with her, do things together,help her just like she would help you.

Answer 4

I sympathize with your situation. I too had an alcoholic father who was verbally and physically abusive and violent. My father sought help several times but in the end never stopped drinking. My suggestion to you is to love your father regardless of his faults. It seems your situation is a bit different than mine. My father worked and took very good care of us financially.

There are no way to take away the scars your father left. Forgiveness is key. My father died very suddenly due to problems of years and years of drinking and using drugs. Although I had quite alot of issues with my father in the past, one day out of the blue I called him in the middle of the night crying. I told him I was sorry and I forgive him and I wanted to have a normal relationship with him. He too apologized and we were very close for the last few years of his life.

I know he has caused a great deal of pain for your family and I give your mom props for leaving, (mine never could). But remember that alcoholism is a disease. Just because your father is addicted to alcohol doesn't mean he doesn't love his family. By all means protect yourself and your family from future heart break, but remember that deep inside that is your father in there. I pray things work out for you all.

Answer 5

prison will be the best thing. your mom and sis need a break. support mom in getting divorced. she's scared. the unknown is always scarry. you and sis need to sit her down and have a heart to heart. none of you need to be around a man like that- no good can come from being around him.

Answer 6

Check to see if there is a chapter of Al-Anon in your area

It does help to talk to people in similar situations