Borderline personality?

Question

I met this woman, we have dated, she runs hot and cold. Drives me nuts (and her too, I assume) so I have been trying to understand the situation. She has only shared very brief insights into her past, a few bad relationships, and somewhere along the way some counselling that she never stuck with (but don't know what for, none of my business, I suppose). Anyways, I have done some leg work of my own and am now wondering if she might not have a borderline personality disorder. I have done a little reading on the matter and the similarities are scarily stark. Does anyone have insight into what it looks like in real life, including relationships and are there any suggestions for me dealing with myself in context to this potential situation? I am lost and scared.

Answer 1

I have BPD. I'm going to be very honest with you- if you aren't invested in a major way (marriage or children), you should only pursue this relationship if she acknowledges her issues, is in active therapy (ideally, DBT) and wants to be better.

Now, to answer your question- it's very hard for BPs to have relationships that are smooth. They pick fights to "test" you, feel you're going to abandon them and the fear gets so real that they push you away first, and they see things in stark black and white- no middle ground. BPs often feel more deeply- you'll see more crying, or drinking/drugs to numb the pain, or anger/acting out. But the weird thing is that BPs are often also the life of the party- outgoing, friendly, very intelligent and analytical.

It's HARD to be BP- it hurts to know you have a disorder that makes relationships difficult. The good news is that it CAN be "cured"...but only if the BP realizes they have a problem and sticks with therapy, no matter how hard it might be. They have to deeply want to get better.

For more information and to talk to others with BPD or who love those with BPD, bpdcentral.com has a GREAT message board called The Nook. Best of luck to you and yours!

Answer 2

Obviously w/o knowin the person or upon meetin them if I found this out abt them, then it would b too much of a headache to wanna plunge into. However, once I fall in love w this person n then I find out, I feel there's no turnin back. Not to say that u should b deceitful to ur mate n lie abt it, but def don't bring it up first thng. (Well MAYB the trans thng, yes. The disorder, no.) But I thnk most importantly, u gotta work hard to get better. I'm not at all tryna b insensitive by saying that, but u also need to understand that it's just to stressful having to fight n argue w someone u love that it makes it difficult to have a happy, healthy relationshis, let alone one that will last. I wish u the best of luck n much happiness♪

Answer 3

If you are still in the beginning of dating I would say its something you can ask about but you cannot force her to explain. That type of disorder is so variable that it is hard to diagnose. Personality disorders takes up a whole section of the DSM (what is used to diagnose people) but I have listed a link below. It is usually not treated with therapy because insurance companies will not pay for it but some therapists try to address it in the course of other work (such as depression).
Do NOT be afraid of dating someone with a personality disorder but at the same time they may be too difficult and if you are still early in the relationship then you can leave.
good luck with your discussions with her and your final decision on your relationship

Answer 4

My ex-husband has borderline personality disorder. We were married for 18 years because I always thought that he would get better. He never did.

BPD looks, to the partner, like they can't decide if they love you or hate you. Mine used to actually say that. Sometimes he would say how much he loved me, but then later tell me how much he hated me and wished that I would die! This went on for years. He had to have everything his way and nobody else's feelings or needs mattered. If he didn't get what he wanted, he would throw a tantrum and throw furniture or me against the wall or down the stairs. He would turn over the Christmas tree, stomp on family pictures, etc.., but then not remember or care about the significance of his behavior on me and our children.

He could not control what he said and would often tell a made-up story to a family member or friend making me or the kids look bad. He would say very ugly things to people and just fly into a rage for no apparent reason - even in public. I remember him screaming at me or his father in restaurants or stores with people all around just staring at him like he was crazy.

He could sometimes be very loving and like a little boy - just often enough for me not to totally lose hope. Eventually though I saw the damage that he did to me and especially to our children and I got out.

BPD is very depressing for the partner and children. You just can't do enough to fill them up. Counselling does not work very well because they cannot see that they have a problem. Intensive counselling might work if they were willing to admit the problem and worked very hard, but you would still have to live with it day to day - which is enormously difficult.

I used to be very independent and able to make good decisions, but that relationship took that all away from me and made me dependent and scared and anxious. I am now always afraid to make a mistake for fear of reprisal from my fiance. Even though intellenctually I know he would never act that way toward me, I still sometimes wait for him to blow up like that. There is a book called "Walking on Eggshells" and that's exactly what life with a BPD is like.

Please be very careful about your involvement with this woman. I would advise you to look elsewhere for a long-term relationship as BPD individuals usually cannot sustain a relationship for very long. My ex and I have been divorced for 18 months. He has yet to have a woman stay with him for longer than a week or two and they always leave after having had to call the police because of his threats or violence.

By the way, my ex was diagnosed BPD after a two-hour session with a psychiatrist with me present to fill in the truth as to his real behavior. He was taken by ambulance, a few months later, to a facility in another town to undergo treatment, but left AMA two days later because it was "too hard".

I may not be able to answer many questions on this site, but BPD is one thing I know all about. If I can tell you anything else, please feel free to e-mail me. I would hate to see another person or family destroyed because of this. I just didn't know when I married him anything about mental illness. I was naive and thought I could fix things if I was just "good" enough. It wasn't me at all.

Answer 5

This is a very good blog, a beginner’s guide to abnormal psychology.
Short, clear and simple; and you can even post your question and contact the author regarding particular subject you are interested in, for FREE

http://sensitive-psychoworld.blogspot.com/

Answer 6

I would be scared too.Sounds like she has a lot of emotional probs.I think I would put her on the back burner.Yes she does have some personality probs.I would stay clear of her if you have any qualms about dating this woman again.

Answer 7

Ok, my wife has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder , which shares many characteristics with Bi-Polar Disorder so it's sometimes very difficult to deal with. However many young women also have this disorder and in many cases they just grow out of it. If she does in fact have Borderline Personality Disorder........Run....... Run as far away as possibe.......don't look back........no regrets.