I know enough not to say "it's going to be ok" or "you're still young, you'll find another love of your life". I'm hoping that someone who has experienced this will share their wisdom with me. If you've lost a loved one, did anyone say something that made a difference?
2006-12-01 02:28:30 · 18 answers · asked by katydid 7 in Health ➔ Diseases & Conditions ➔ Cancer
Katydid ur post is very sad but it shows volumes of who u R! Your friend is looking to u to allow her to cry, to let her say whatever she's thinking/feeling in a safe relationship. It is so obvious that u have so much compassion. Many people will offer them the line "Just call & we'll be happy to help & care" but the truth is very few people are capable of follow through.
Trust what u know about ur friend to find the little task, the little things she no longer has to be burden with. You do have the rare opportunity to reassure her husband that as their friend u will be there to lean on. Reassuring him you'll care & support your dear friend. U don't mention children so it will be extra hard for her.
When my best friend daughter died in an automobile accident I was totally devistated & amazed that she was comforting me. One day though she was to pieces... sinking into depression. She forced herself out of the house to our local mall not wanting to be alone. That day she called me and I rushed from work knowing how serious it was... she just needed me to allow her cry and was so thankful to me because I always spoke her daughters name and the wonderful memories she provided to me and my children. I never realized our conversations and allowing her to both hear and say her name freely was so critical. But after someone is dead, everyone moves on... well for this family their world was destroyed. They had to pick up the remains and rebuild their life. The whole always there, they just choose to do things to honor her memory.
R U familiar with the poem " I'm Free" is what provides my friend to this day so much peace. Grief is a hard journey for anyone to face, let alone losing the love of their life. The links below share the words & the walmart one is similiar to what both of us have on our walls. Except our mats have this ribbon cutouts which I put her favorite color ribbon to remind me of her. It was on one of those special conversations where I did very little but allow her to process her grief. I would reassure her that she was doing really good so far. We both learn u take it one day at time. In the very beginning it was minutes, hours, day.
With as much compassion u have shown in asking the question, you will be more help than u know. Her brain will get fried from trying to do everything in her power to give him as much love, comfort and joy. I would strongly recommend u contact cancer society for tips on each stage... so u don't have to ask but just handle what needs to be done. The one thing I would strongly caution u is when it comes to the funeral. Too many well meaning relatives will try to interceed. Be her protector, support what she & her husband want.
Take care of u so that u have the strength to uplift your friend as she experiences cancer grief journey.
2006-12-01 05:31:37 · answer #1 · answered by Staci 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The essential thing is to not turn away or avoid the person, just because you haven't got the words to express your sympathy. Just saying you are sorry this is happening along with a hug and an offer to help is all anyone could hope for. If you know of a way to be helpful, do it. I lost a daughter to a house fire in 1999. One of my co-workers found out, came to the door and just gave me a hug and cried with me. That meant more to me than anything. Another neighbor came to the door and remarked, "I heard she was pregnant, is that true?" That remark just about earned her a slug to the teeth. Think about your comments and how you would feel in that situation. Bring a covered dish, preferably in a disposable container so they won't have to hunt you down to return the dish when its empty. A gift of stamps is good, because you k now they will be writing lots of thank you notes after the funeral. While he is still alive, send cards that wish him to feel better, get well cards are not probably the best, but thinking of you, hoping you are having a good day type are good. One of my daughter's friends wrote a nice poem. An uncle also wrote a poem, it is in calligraphy and hangs on our wall beside her picture. If they are not wealthy, ask if a benefit could be helpful. If he is a farmer, organize some neighboring farmers to do his chores. That would be a big relief to him and his family.
Just be there for them, now, at and after the funeral. It will mean a lot. Believe me, I've been there.
2006-12-01 02:37:43 · answer #2 · answered by dbarnes3 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My husband drowned in 97. I miss him to this day! There's not a lot you can say, Make sure you make your friendship and willingness to help her known. Don't wait to be asked to do little things, either. I cared for my mom with cancer until her death last year, and I can tell you that every time someone asked me is there anything I can do, I"d always answer no, we're fine, just pray. Well, many times friends of mine or my mother's would drop by and bring a casserole or a meal. One time an aunt brought by a box of ham and sausage biscuits for breakfast! I can't begin to tell you how much that meant to me! I also had a friend who had a beautiful bouquet of flowers sent to me, with a You're great! balloon attached. Her husband probably isn't able to get out and do little things like that for her, so why don't you let her know what a great person she is? Encourage her to let you help her out with household duties, and rather than offer to run errands, offer to sit with her husband so SHE can get out for awhile. Or, if you're married or have a boyfriend, get him to stay with her husband while the two of you hit the town for a few hours. A short respite is usually just what the doctor ordered for the caregiver to recharge and relieve a little stress. You are a great friend for caring, and I'm sure your friend thinks so, as well. Good luck and God bless!
As an added thought, if she loses her husband, please don't forget about her a week after the funeral. The first few months in a newly empty house is the worst time to be alone, but it's usually when the 'aquaintances' back out of the picture and the 'tried and true' friends are still right there...I'm sure you're the later!
2006-12-01 02:37:22 · answer #3 · answered by ladyw900ldriver 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
This week I mainly listened to someone talk, she was grieving because she lost her husband after 30-40 years. She said she never thought it would hurt this much. She also said most of her friends avoid her and don't want to be around her very much since she is now single. I told her I was so sorry and that I didn't know what it felt like to lose a spouse but talking and having a listner is the first step. Could you offer to be available at any time of day to listen? This month will be hard and also at night.
2006-12-01 05:20:13 · answer #4 · answered by onc rn 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My husband was diagnosed with lung cancer March 20th. He had no symptoms. He went thru radiation chemo gamma knife procedure and took a drug called tarceva. He passed June 6th. While he was ill, we had cook outs parties for friends and family We took alot of pictures. We went wherever he wanted whenever he wanted ate what he wanted even got up at midnight and played pool til 4 am. People would ask if I needed anything I always said no. But I can tell you this, my friends and family came over one day and cleaned my house did laundry and that was a blessing so that I could take care of my husband and kids. If ever anyone of my peeps had something like this happen to them, the first thing I would do is clean for them cook for them and do their laundry or whatever. I know how much it wqould mean to them. I am still grieving and it hasnt got any better but friends and family being here help.
2006-12-01 04:01:27 · answer #5 · answered by crumcake422 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I lost my best friend of twenty years to kidney cancer it came on hard and fast she was told three months but had her with us for six. Her husband was one of my closest friends in fact I set them up and made sure they got married because I just knew they were meant for each other. What I did was listen more than talk, and I NEVER once said, I know how you feel, because we don't. I spent all of my extra time helping when and where it was needed because as she became more ill he needed more help. It was the hardest time of my life but honestly give them the lead, offer your help, but be honest about how much help you can give and don't let them down. If you say you'll help at ten be there at ten.Some days just sitting by the bed for 10 hours and keeping her company so he wouldn't become exhausted. Just be there, listen really listen. My heart really goes out to you this happened four years ago, but still seems like yesterday to me.
2006-12-01 10:25:09 · answer #6 · answered by Pearl N 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have been married for 20 years and have a lovely wife and two teenaged sons and have terminal cancer. We all have accepted what is going to happen and hardly ever think about it. Yes - I have done all the requirements of transferring my assets to my wife and sons but beides that I live a great full life with my family. I do not have too much time but the time that I have , I want to live as I always have kingsize. Keeping that in view, I hate sympathy from anyone and have made it clear to my family also. We will cross that bridge when my time comes - but till then not a friend of mine even discusses the cancer with me.
2006-12-01 07:18:43 · answer #7 · answered by livingonthinice 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is a tough one. I'm going through that right now. My husband of 38 yrs. is dying. Rough I tell you. There is nothing you can say right now. What does help is for a friend to say if you need somebody to talk to I'm here.Let her spill her guts & somewhere in her words you will find what she needs. I have had that in one person. & in my 3 sons. I know this when people have been together that long it isn't because they have to but because that was the person they wanted to be with. Bar nothing that person is your soul mate. At this time all I can think of is doing what ever I can for him while he is alive. I cannot spend time thinking of after. The boys & I have talked about this. That is how we decide to deal with it. We will get to after later. One day at a time we see to him. We are a close family & he is a loved father & Grampa. They are all hurting too. Just to have one of his boys come through the door & he lights up. His baby granddaughter with her hugs & kisses, to small to know, but she sure brightens his world. They are here often. Be patient, be there. After her need of you will be different & very real. I' hurting too. This is hard to put on here. Still if it helps you or her even a bit then worth it. Prayers for all of you.
2006-12-01 06:21:19 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's not what you say...it's what you do. The stresses of taking care of someone who's dying is overwhelming and life doesn't slow down. Fix them a meal. Come by and help clean up. Come by and just listen. Don't think the conversation has to be about the cancer, but don't stop her if that's what she wants to talk about. Don't ask for her to ask for a favor. If you know she needs something or is having trouble with something, just pitch in. It's sometimes hard to ask, especially when it seems so obvious.
2006-12-01 02:38:19 · answer #9 · answered by jerrys_love 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It isn't what you say . It's what you do. I am a breast cancer survivor and believe you me I am glad I have the friends and neighbours I do. They looked after me and my house. There was days I go out expecting to have to shovel my driveway only to discover my neighbour had done it. If I needed to go shopping I never had to take the bus. One friend completely stocked my fridge and freezer. Another nursed me through chemo. Earlier she helped care for my mother and dad, in their last days.
These friends are always welcome in my home. If they ever need help guess who'll be the first one there. Me!
Give your friend a big hug. Offer to be or pay for a caregiver for a night or weekend so she can have a respite. Take her for dinner and a movie. Believe me she'll need it. Are you or your hubby handy with tools? Do some small home repairs for her. Bring a meal or just coffee. Listen and give lots of love and hugs.
2006-12-01 05:51:13 · answer #10 · answered by shelley_gaudreau2000 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋