What do you do when you are unloved and abandoned by your mother?

Question

My mother & I lived together with my grandparents until I was 5 & she remaried. At 5, I knew this guy did not like me & told my mother so. She refused to hear me & walked away. As it turned out, I was unwanted baggage & I was left with my grandparents. My mother was always in my life...for most of my growing up she was not more than 30 min. away and I would see her each week. My mother could never understand why I was so close to them & to this day refuses to say that they raised me. When they died they left me most everything which made my mother very angry. With them gone, I was the only one to blame & our relationship got even worse. I've tried many times to repair things and each time get knocked down. 3 years ago I asked my mother to see a therapist with me - to figure out a way for us to have a relationship. She refused & we stopped talking. 2 months ago, I asked again. She said she'd think about it, but has never called back. I don't know what else to do...

Answer 1

Well it sounds to me like you are pretty grounded and realize that your mother has some issues that you cant fix. You did the right thing by asking her to go to therapy with you. You mother is trying to cover her feelings of guilt by being angry. This is something you cannot fix. Unfortunately your mother is who she is. There isn't anything you can do about that. I suggest you see a therapist yourself to get a better perspective and learn some ways to cope with the situation. It's very sad and I'm sorry you have to go through this. But do know...that the most important love you can have comes from you. That is when everything else will fall away. Take care of yourself the way you wanted your mother to. Know that you are loved. Be the first to give yourself that love and acceptance. You can have compassion for your mother and love for your mother, but you cant make her a different person. She is the only one that can do that.

Answer 2

What a very sad story. My heart goes out to you.
Sadly, your mum is probably suffering from a lot of guilt because she left you in the care of your grandparents. Thank God they were there for you when you needed them.
She may have even felt a little threatened because they may have been more capable of looking after you then she was. This is perhaps why, she is denying it.
It is good you are willing to move ahead and get some therapy for the past but sad that your mum is not willing too at present.

As hard as this may be(and I think you are already half way there)
forgive your mum for her failings. Forgiveness releases you from the pain. I am not saying that what your mum did was right, no, for it was very wrong.

I would perservere with her. Why not try sending her a nice card saying something like "Missing you" and attach a note.
Tell her that you have forgiven her(if you are able to work through this). Tell her that you would like to pursue some type of therapy as it would help you move on with your life.
Tell her that, while your grandparents were there for you in your life, that you STILL did love her and always desired for her to be a mom to you.
Obviously, your mum is going through some guilt and heartache of her own and may be giving this some very deep thought.

Don't give up! Send her the note and tell her how you feel.
By forgiving her(and telling her this) you are actually bringing some healing to both sides.
In time, she may open up to you, apologise and desire reconcilliation.
I think therapy is a good start.
I do hope she will come around and the two of you begin to work things out.
She may not have been there for you in the past, but there is always hope and there is always a future and that future might include a good relationship with your mother.
Also.....tell her it is NOT a competition between her and your grandparents and that you love both of them. Good luck:)

Answer 3

Just because you came out of a partcular person's womb, does not automatically mean that person has a golden right to treat you in any way that nobody would ever expect you to take from some other person. Just as a good person can bring the worst criminal into the world, so can a bad person give birth to one who takes a very different road. But that person shouldn't feel obligated to lie down and have his or her face stomped in the dirt by a selfish, self-centered, cold-hearted individual JUST because that individual is his or her mother.
Nobody can do anything to you that you don't permit them to do. This particular woman is being permitted to treat you like a piece of worthless trash, and she will continue to do so for as long as you continue to grovel after her. The solution to your headaches and problems is to stop allowing her have this power over you by breaking the pattern of it, turn your back, and get on with your life. You quite rightly said that as a child you were "unwanted baggage". As far as this "mother" is concerned, you still are. Why, now that you are an independent, self-determining adult, do you still insist on acting the part? Move on, and let this person who deserves neither sympathy, nor consideration, get on with her own self-centered existence, while you go forward and make the very best of this very short period of time that is all we have.

Answer 4

I am sorry to say this but you need to move on. Some people are very sick and will never realize the part that they play in negatively influencing their childrens's lives. In a normal society a child is supposed to come first in a woman's life and it is seen as unatural for her to abandon this baby. However there are people out there that are unable to connect with others because of reasons such as borderling personality disorder or sociopathic behaviours. You must realize that you have done nothing wrong for her to feel this way towards you the problem is hers alone and the only thing that you can do is to see a therapist on your own and come to terms with the lack of the type of relationship that you have dreamed about.
I certainly can understand your feelings surrounding your mother but when you realize that she has an illness then you will be able to distance yourself from her and thus get on with you own life. My heart goes out to you and God bless you.

Answer 5

I have to say truethfully my heart goes out to you girl, I was a year old and molesteda an baby by my mother's boyfriend, and I too was raised by my grandparents, and everything is basically the same as your story, except that my mother was never around at all. Now at the age of 27 she think's that she can just pop back into my life.
My mother and I don't have a mother daughter relationship, were are more just friends. All I have to say is good luck in tryin to build a relationship with your mom, and I am noone to judge, but we aren't the one's with the issue's they are. Hang in there Girl, it will get better.

Answer 6

Unfortunately, it sounds like your mother is very strong in her desire to not have a relationship with you - which is her loss. You can't change her mind for her. You have tried your best and should find peace that you are not to blame for the end of your relationship - she is.

You need to go to the therapist on your own to get help handling your abadonment issues. You sound like a very strong person to have made it through all of this so far, so I'm sure you'll make ti the rest of the way.

After you get over the anger and hurt (and you will with help), you may realize how much easier your life actually is without having to fight with her.

Good luck!

Answer 7

honey, as a mom, my heart breaks for you. No real "mom" could do this to their child. You deserved all the love and support in her heart, but maybe she knew she couldnt give it to you and left you to be raised by someone she knew could.
I know that is the optimistic view, but maybe its true.
I think you should know that you cant make her love you or be the mom you have been hoping to find in her....
It is probably best that you seek counseling without her first. She obviously doesnt deserve a child as good and devoted as you.
Take care of YOU first. She gave her chance a look a long time ago.
good luck honey!

Answer 8

You have done all that you can, dust off your feet, and walk away from it. Find a motherly figure that you can share a real relationship with, trust me, you will feel better.

Answer 9

I know how you feel, its happened to me. The best way to deal with is not to blame yourself. Keep trying to talk to her. From my experience, I started going to church and started believing in Jesus. Now my life is better than it was me and my mom are talking alittle. The best advice I can give is pray and keep trying.

Answer 10

I am so sorry that you are in this situation.
all you can do is cut your losses, and move on.
my husbands father is the same way, now he won't even talk to his son. some people are just not meant to be parents.