why do men still do this?

Question

i am angry right now, and hopefully i am not simply writing with my emotions. probably, since i have lumped men into one catergory (sorry guys).

anyway...
this guy i work with wants to date me. we've been friends for two years. he told me his feelings about 6 months ago, and i don't feel the same way.

we continued as friends, but by confessing his feelings, he somehow felt he had a license to talk dirty to me. i told him that he was making me uncomfortable and backed off from spending so much time with him because i felt i might be sending the wrong signals.

then i got: how come you don't email? how come you don't call? how come you don't invite me over?

so, i figured i had probably backed off too much and i started emailing more and eating lunch with him at work.

again...more dirty talk. i told him i didn't like it, and he asked why i started hanging out with him again. ???

i told him i was tired of him analyzing everything i did, and now he is angry.

this happened to me in high school.

i am now 37 and have been divorced for a few years...and am really surprised to see him acting like this.

is he just immature for his age (he's 34)?
why do women (still) have to get mad at a guy for him to understand you don't want to date him? and then...why is it the woman's fault?

the thought of him being stalker scares the crap outta me. it's something i have been trying to put out of my mind.

but he sits several rows down from me in our offices and often times i will swivel in my chair to get something from behind me or talk to someone...andhe's just sitting there staring at me.

fantastic.

thanks everyone!

to the guys:
you have restored my faith in men. i'm sorry i vented and generalized. i haven't dated since i divorced, so i'm very out of touch. maybe i'll be fortunate to find a nice one someday.

Answer 1

I can't speak from experience, as I have never done this, nor known anyone who has done / or had it done to. But it seems to me that all this guy wants is sex, and his VERY unsophisticated, and graceless methods are his way of trying to chat you up.........yes I know! Is he just overconfident, or simply arrogant and cocky? Let him be angry, let him stew. If he can't respect your friendship as it is, he is not the kind of guy you want as a friend. He has become jealous and posessive (even though he has absolutely right to be), and I would say to you that he is best avoided. A few beers down his throat, and the underlying anger could make him a dangerous person. That may be a little extreme, but I would play it safe.

Oh, btw, not all guys are like this you know? You have just been unfortunate.

Answer 2

I agree with "where to begin". I think he was sending you wrong signals. On the other hand since he knows there's no chance of a romantic relationship, why should he have to behave and be proper? He doesn't have to impress you, especially since you said that you didn't feel the same way he did for you. That doesn't give him the right to continually talk to you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable though.

I would go back and talk to him one more time though, and say something like this:

"Dude, I'm sorry to give you the wrong impression, but I've already told you a couple times to back off with the dirty talk because of how it makes me feel, yet you ignored me and stuck to your routine. Maybe you feel that you don't have to impress me because I already turned you down, but to most girls on the market looking for a mate, the dirty talk is usually appreciated only in the bedroom. Just given you a heads up.."

This advice is coming from a guy too.

Answer 3

He is immature, but then again when it comes to men, most of them are immature when it comes to relationships.. especially when they've been rejected. If you two had been buds for so long, and then he finally got the balls up to tell you his true feelings, and you shot him down, that tore his ego down.. majorly. It's not your fault though, you should never lead some one on so you did the right thing by just being honest. Instead of him just telling you or showing you that he was hurt emotionally by the rejection, he's acting like an ***.. which again, most guys are great at. Just tell him that you love your relationship with him as a friend and you didn't mean to hurt his feelings and to cut the crap because you're getting sick of it. That should get your point across.. and hopefully you two can return to being buddies.

Answer 4

Ok you gotta open your eyes, the guy really likes you and feels rejected by you, he's not going to stop liking you and the more you reject him the more he's going to like you, its like an aphrodisiac to him, you are sending mixed signals to him and you have to stop feeling sorry for him when he starts sooking that you don't do this anymore or that anymore, you need to make a decision do you want to be with him or not, if no then you need to stop being so friendly with him, he works with you so its gotta be HI and BYE, most men cannot be friends with women if they have an interest with them, as far as the dirty talk goes you should tell him your feeling harassed and that your not that kind of girl and to stop it or you will complain about it, believe me this may be your only option.

Answer 5

If I were you I would back off once again and forever. I think that this guy is an a**hole because he wants to date you for one simple reason I think - sex. If you're uncomfortable with those dirty talks then yes back off and never turn back again from your decision even if he email you, call you and ask for apology because you've already given to him a chance and he kept doing and saying the same things. As you said he knows that you are not comfortable. Good Luck

Answer 6

I think its more down to this guys communication skills, or lack of them he obviouslly can't take subtle knockbacks so maybe you'll have to be a little more graphic about what you want to happen, ie the dirty talking to stop and explain that he has no chance of dating you, and you want to be just friends nothing more. He'll proabably take this badly and sulk being the kind of person he is but the situation will never get better unless you do this. good luck

Answer 7

I think some were in two years of interaction unknowlingly you gave him asignal that u are intrested in a deeper relation ship,Now the best thing is that u tell him point blank that uare not intrestedin his type of relation ship also tell him to back of.If he does not listne u then you back of and be curt when he asks u for not being in touch then u tell him "because of your behaviour"
and then again dont come close to him.You see when u fall back u again give him a signal that u are rethinking the relation ship

Answer 8

your biggest mistake was being friends with him, and the same for him. i don't care if a woman wants me as a friend it aint gonna happen. every woman that i worked with and did'nt sleep with i kept the relationship professional and no more than that. if you arent going to be an item and when the lines have been crossed. you become devoid of any kind of feelings and keep it professional. let him be angry, remember you are only work collegues not friends if he doesnt behave like a professional adult then report him to your bosses.

Answer 9

Like I've said a million times men just cannot grasp the concept of "just friends". I know it seems ridiculous [especially for a grown man].

They need you to lay out the rules for them [yes like children] because that is the only way they will understand. I mean I'm sure you don't want to throw away a two year friendship.

Tell him that he is your friend and you want to be friends with him as long as he can:

Realize you ONLY want to be friends with him.
You do not like it when he disrespects you and "talks dirty" to you.

Tell him that as long as he abides by this you will continue to be his friend. If he choses not to your friendship is over.

Answer 10

Very sorry you meet men like this, but i can assure you that we are not all like this! I would never dream of harrassing a women at any time! He just sounds like a creep. What kind of work do you do? You maybe should try socialising in completely different places that you wouldnt normally go and you may meet a different type of man. Please dont lump us all together!