does my mom really wish i was the one who died?

Question

2 years ago my oldest brother died. my brother was an awesome son he always listend to my mom and never went against the rules and everyone liked him. he was my moms faviorit she always talks about how she wishs i could be more like him. sometimes i feel like she wishes it was me who died instead of him. could this be true?

Answer 1

Wow, I'm so sorry about your brother.

I don't think that she thinks that at all. She loves you for who and what you are: YOU. Displacing your feelings of grief and pain onto her by putting feelings that she most assuredly isn't feeling onto her isn't really fair.

My opinion: See a bereavement counselor. After my mom was killed in 97, I went to one for about 6 months, and I'll tell you it helped so much. If you call your local hospital, they should be able to refer you to one who won't cost you to go to them.

For what it's worth, I think that your mom loves you and just wants you to make the most of your life because she's learned the hard way that life is short, and that you have to live it to the fullest. She just wants to see you do that. And of course she misses your brother...she wouldn't be normal if she didn't. But, she can have it both ways...she can love you for you and still miss him. Sit down and talk to her about it.

Answer 2

Oh don't ever feel that way, sometimes its hard to explain but your first child is the one you learn from. He/she gets most of your attention because you are learning to be a Mother. Everything you do with the first one is new.That does not mean we love them more. When the second comes you now can take some shortcuts, because you've learned you can. This second child is just as important as the first,We allow him/her to do things that the first we would not,because we learned on the first. Your Mom, is having a very hard time dealing with your brothers death, I know My daughter died 3 years ago, its not easy to try and keep the family together and go on day by day thinking of your son, and knowing he will never be here again. You get angry and sometimes you take it out on others, That's not what we want to do. but it just happens. She is still dealing with this loss. Give her your support, Tell her you love her, Ask her what you can do to help. Don't keep those feelings inside, tell her what you feel. Stay Strong and know that you are loved.

Answer 3

When a close relative dies, it's only natural for those they leave behind to remember them fondly. As time passes, any bad memories fade and only the good ones are left. I'm sure your brother had days when he was in trouble even if you didn't realise it, but your mother will be clinging to the good things about him and forgetting anything else. It's natural for your mom to talk about him because it helps ease her sorrow - and although her wishing you were like him isn't good for your self-esteem, it isn't meant to hurt; she just misses him so much that she's looking for anything in you that will make him seem less far away.
Don't feel you have to fill your brother's shoes; be your own person ... the person only you can be. In reality, that's what your mom really wants, although it might not seem like that to you right now. Give your mom time to grieve; give yourself time to grow. I'm sure your mom is grateful that you're around to see her through this difficult time - and when she has worked through her grief, she'll realise what a blessing you've been!
Try talking to your mom, and remind her that you're grieving and missing your brother too. Assure her of your love and support in the years ahead, and ask for assurance of hers in return. This is a sad time for you both, but it may end up bringing you closer together.

Answer 4

I am so sorry about your brother. Losing a sibling is so difficult; a huge part of your history is gone. I read two books about the death of siblings that helped me a lot: The Empty Room and Name All the Animals. When a sibling dies, the tendency is to focus on the parents who are grieving, and the surviving siblings can be left out. I don't believe for a moment that your mother wishes that she had lost you instead of your brother. Her pain is unimaginable, but you, too, have suffered a tremendous loss. I wish you and your whole family peace and healing. Hope the books help. God bless.

Answer 5

I am a mom myself. I don't think ur mother will ever think of that. Maybe ur brother has the edge over u because he is a favorite but ur mom loves u too. So now that ur brother is gone, win the attention of ur mom by being a good and obedient son. Love ur mother more, take care of her. Believe me, ur mom wants u to live and be with her in the worst and best times. Cheer up!!!

Answer 6

Why don't you ask her? I'm sure she would be very shocked that she has given you that impression, and she will reassure you that it's not true.

Your mum is still grieving - it takes at least two years to get to the point where you start to get used to a death in the family. When you're grieving you can often say silly or irrational things, and it's not uncommon to see the dead person through rose coloured glasses, as even better than they really were. She'll get things back in proportion eventually.

Answer 7

Wow! I'm sorry she says that to you! She probably just misses him. Don't take to heart the things she says. She's your mom and I'm sure she loves you. Just be yourself and try not to worry about it too much. In fact, you could even talk to her about it. Just tell her that she is always talking about how great your brother is and that your starting to wonder if she would rather have him than you, (in your own words of course). Hopefully she is just so sad that she didn't even notice she is doing that! Good luck! Remember, Jesus will always love you for who you are! :)

Answer 8

...I am sorry that your Mom wishes that you were more like your brother. You are your own special person...do not forget that! You will never replace him. It appears to me that your Mom has forgotten that. I am sorry about your brother..It was his time to go and I am certain that he is looking out for you and your family...but you are here and need to be appreciated for who you are. I don't know how old you are... but no matter what it is not your responsibility to be someone different than who you are. Be yourself and be a good person that is the most that you can do!

Answer 9

No its not that. I think she misses him. She probably thinks you are going on the wrong track and make the better choices your brother. Start paying attention to your mom and start following the rules. If your not doing both, you are basically not respecting her. She doesn't wish you died though. If your mom really loves you she would not feel like that.

Answer 10

Your mom just misses her son. When a parent has to deal with the loss of a child before they die it's the hardest thing. I saw my dad go through it when my kid brother died from Cancer. My dad went into depression over it and never got over it. No parent wants to lose their kids and your mom is just grieving and misses her son.