How should my friend handle this situation?

Question

My friends mother passed away. The funeral is soon. His parents were divorced years ago. The father will most likely attend the services. The problem is that the father can be obnoxious, especialy after a few drinks. Should my friend tell him not to come to the funeral? If he does come to the services, how could he get him to leave if he becomes unruly? Are there such things as bouncers for funeral services? And if there arn't how could my friend be expected to lay hands on his own father? His maternal grandmother will be there too - we don't want her to have to witness any drama than she has already just had to suffer. So what would you all do?

Answer 1

I would be cordial and accepting of the father. And at the first sign of stupidity I would have the funeral director call the police . If he shows up drunk and ugly have the funeral director call the police. If someone muscles him around or hurts him HE can claim assault and call the police on you. If there looks like there will be any problem, be the first to call the police. Usually those kind of people behave themselves at a funeral. DON'T threaten him with the police just call and let them handle it . You don't have to press charges if you don't want to let the police handle him. Remember stay calm and call the police no body wants a fight seen.

Answer 2

If there's a big chance that he might become unruly due to drinking, then it's best not to have any alcohol around during the funeral itself, or anything that precedes it or follows it.

I don't think your friend can reasonably attempt to keep his father from attending. She was the mother of at least one of his children, which means there's an undeniable connection there.

But somebody should keep an eye on him. If things get really out of hand, the police can always be called.

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Answer 3

Your friend should I try to make sure that his father comes to the service sober. Try sitting down and talking with his dad and explain to him how important it is that everything goes by peacefully and calm. I hope all goes well for your friend.

By the way I never heard of a funeral bouncer but I'm sure that a deacon or someone would speak with him if he got a little out of hand. But hopefully it won't come to that. Good luck

Answer 4

Will there be alcohol at the funeral? If so, I would probably think about not having any. I've never been to a funeral with alcohol before so I think this should be alright.

I think your friend should have a couple of people aware of the situation at the funeral who will be able to deal with the situation should it arise. Not exactly bouncers, but just overseers. It would need to be people who can deal with the situation without making a scene.

That would be my recommendation.

Alternatively, your friend can talk to his dad and tell him his worries?

Answer 5

Your friend has already gone through enough! I would recommend that your friend attend the funeral without giving his father or his actions any mind, and realize that there is nothing that he can do to control it anyway... The friend cannot be responsible for protecting himself or any of his relatives from the father, and just do the best he can to get through the day. You never know, the father can pleasantly surprise him, with no bad behavior whatsoever. And, if he does misbehave, it will reflect only on himself, and not your friend...

Good luck, and Happy Turkey Day!

Answer 6

I would invite the father if they were on good terms when she died. He should be able to pay his final respects because he did love this woman and she is the mother of his child(ren). However your friend needs to make it clear that he is there to honor his former wife and he needs to be on his best behavior. If possible, I would not even serve alcohol at the reception to keep him away from it, unless you have your heart set on it. If he does cause a scene, he has every right to ask him to leave. If his father can be reasoned with maybe your friend can pull his dad aside to let him know his behavior is getting out of hand. When introducing him to people try to introduce him to easygoing people you know won't make a scene. If he still thinks not inviting him is a better idea, then don't but your friend needs to be prepared for the fallout and his dad's hurt feelings, and the strain on the relationship that will cause especially if they are close

Answer 7

Your friend can't control what other people do. Maintaining control and taking responsibility is the result of growing up as the child of an alcoholic but he doesn't need to do it. The funeral director has seen all kinds of people. Your friend just needs to duck out of the way if his dad starts in, and let the funeral director do his or her job. As an adult, what his father does has nothing to do with him.

Answer 8

He should be welcome to attend the funeral, but assign somebody to stay with him to take care of any situations before they come up. Perhaps a friend that he wouldn't mind sitting with, talking with, etc.

You could tell the friend what your concerns are and instruct him to quietly guide the father through the services, and walk him outside if it looks like he's going to be obnoxious or hostile.

Answer 9

I would designate a few close friends whom I trust to negotiate the situation if it should arise. You can't tell someone he's unwelcome at his ex-wife's funeral based on what you're afraid he MIGHT do. Feel free to kick him out if he gets out of hand. If law enforcement needs to be called, do so. But let the friends take care of it so the poor guy can grieve with his family.

Answer 10

Invite him and tell him point blank that he is not to drink before, during or after the funeral. If he does not agree to this, it is best to ask him not to come.