Could this all blow up in my face or should I go for it?

Question

Need your help again guys. All opinions and suggestions welcome
My Mum was adopted and never talked much about her real family. She had close contact with 2 older sisters but nothing else and that's who we thought was her family until last night.
I did the family tree and put it on a website, I get an email from a lady claiming to be her sister. I didn't believe her until she sent my Mum's birth cert to me and a pic of my mum when she was 5?


I now have 9 aunties and 4 uncles who my mum has never mentioned.. and I don't know how to tell my mum? If she never told us then she obviously didn't want us to know. This new Auntie of mine said she was so close to my mum she even named her child after her.
What do I do?
My mum has already had a break down. Do I bring up the past or do I leave it, throwing away the chance for my mum to be happy???

Answer 1

Oh, how wonderful for you, and at the same time what an incredible load it must be on your shoulders.
As we get older, we get a lot wiser (believe it or not) and the greater majority of us become aware that we are not going to live forever. The older we get, time suddenly speeds up and goes by at an alarming rate.
Because of this, I urge you to tell your Mum, and tell her as soon as possible. Enough time has passed with them being apart. She will be upset, frightened, confused, angry, stunned and eventually, numb, which is when she will hopefully accept the situation.
I wish you luck, I really do.

Answer 2

This is really a toughie. Your dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. I do think though that honesty is the best policy and that everything should come out in the open. Gently tell your Mum that you have been doing a family tree and that her sister has been in touch. Let her take it from there. Don't blame or accuse her of not telling you. I think the reason your Mum didn't tell you was because it was too painful for her not because she didn't want you to know. I also think there will be a happy ending to all this. Good luck.

Answer 3

You say 'she obviously didn't want US to know' sounds as if you have at least one sibling. What do they think? Also this new Aunt, what can she tell you about what divided the family in the first place. Is she older than your Mom? Maybe you could meet some of them before deciding to talk to your Mom? Was your Mom the only one 'put' into care for example? It may be your Mom doesn't talk about it because the only memories she has are sad ones and it is too painful to cry in front of her 'family'. You mention your Mom has had a breakdown do you know the cause?

After you have given it a lot of thought you might also approach your Mom's G.P. who may have advice about your Mom's health In a general way without giving specifics. Failing that you could be making tea one day in the kitchen together and say for e g ' I had a really funny dream last night, I dreamt I had an extra two brothers as triplets but we were separated at birth. Have you ever had dreams you were missing family members?'

Please be very careful, advice of any sort in dangerous I don't face the consequences if it goes wrong. So talk to people you can trust a lot before you do anything

Answer 4

Talking about such a difficult subject might hurt, true, you and/or your mother. But hiding it might be worse, for your future, your own children to come.
Hidden family secrets often resurface decades after they have been buried, hurting people who do not have any clue of the reason they feel unwell (children are very sensitive to unexpressed feelings). Therefore, I think it is always better to talk things out.
You said your mum already had a break down. Maybe all she needs is talk, let it out, finding things that way, that she has forgotten about.
Of course, you will have to be very careful about it. try not to sound reproachful, make sure you choose the best and cosiest time. If your mum had a breakdown, she might see a counsellor, which will help her talk those facts. If she hasn't got one right now, you should maybe advice her to seek counselling on the matter once it has broken out. The same might apply to you too, love: family secrets are heavy: being more that one to carry them is always good, hiring another porter to help is even better.
Ho! And congratulations to you both of you for such a big and, as it seems, nice family!

Answer 5

I would leave well enough alone if I were you. She doesn't talk about it, and is making no effort to reach out, so there may be bad blood that goes very far back. If you bring it up, your Mum may be very, very angry with you for meddling in her affairs. When you are of legal age, if you want to develop a relationship with your extended family, that's up to you. But I guarantee you there is an old hurt lurking beneath these murky waters, and if you stir things up, it could be very unpleasant. People who are supposedly that close don't just suddenly lose touch with each other. Also, be sure it isn't some kind of scam before you go too far. Good Luck!!

Answer 6

Bringing up the past is never ever easy (my mum was in same situ) but ask her opinion about her past family and say how would you feel if they tried to contact her sound her out but do it very careful and gentle respect her choice and go with how she feels if you present her with a chice she can then decide for herself you have to be careful how you handle her my mum had lots of therapy and is ok now but it took time you mum will need lots of love and support and understanding as you dont know all that went on she may want to forget her past for reasons you truly have no knowlege of i wish you all the love and luck xxxxxxxxx

Answer 7

That's a hard one, I'm adopted and the only thing I know is my birth Name I have no way of finding out who my mum or family are so If some one could tell me I would what to Know at the end of the day. so good look and I hope your mum finds the peace she is looking for.

Answer 8

This may be a part of your moms life that she does not remember, she was young in the photo, right. Go to your mum, in a non-accussing way and ask her about her past. Ask where she grew up, does she remember any of her childhood friends? Put the topic out on the table for discussion and share what you have found with your mum. She might be surprised and happy.

Answer 9

Maybe your mom didn't know she had all these aunts and uncles.
It could open up a whole new opportunity for her to come to terms with her past. Which is what most people should do - even if it was a bad one.
You could maybe print out the picture that you were sent of her when she was 5 and show it to your mom. See if that brings up any memories and take it from there.
That's my suggestion.

Answer 10

Honesty is the best policy! Bring up the work you are doing for the family tree and see her reaction, people who have painful things will be very sharp about you not doing it. If she doesn't you have the perfect opportunity to tell her what you found. Good luck!