Making the best of a long distance relationship?

Question

Its been nearly a year and a half. We've been seperated the entire time. It's starting to get to me. We fight all the time. My life has been rough, and I resent him for not being here. Its mostly me starting the fights and I dont know why. He's moving to be with me and its about 4 months left. Whats going on with me and how can I make the best of the 4 months left? I know I'm stressing him out and making him feel like he's not good enough, and I feel ashamed.

No, we met online, but we've met about 5 times. He and I aren't moving in together. I love him, but I dont believe in cohabitation.

Answer 1

What's going on with you is that you are feeling insecure about his feelings for you because he is not there to show them to you. You are starting fights because the "payoff" you get is either reassurance from him, or passionate drama that engages bothe of you. You are repeatedly "testing" his feelings for you. Stop!

The best way to maintain long-distance relationships is to maintain EMOTIONAL INTIMACY. You can do this with phone and internet. Emotional intimacy is when you reveal your deepest darkest thought, feelings, insecurities, doubts, desires, etc. This is the stuff that you wouldn't tell another living soul, and something you trust your ma with. You trust him to never exploit your feelings, to judge you, or to think less of you.

Remember that we all have our own perceptions of things. Sometimes, we perceive someone else's actions to mean one thing, when they actually mean another. We are wise to give that person a chance to clarify before reacting emotionally. Think about it like this: Perception DOES NOT equal intent.

Also, remember that not everyone thinks just like you. We are all right in our own minds, our actions are justified, and our priorities are more important than all others'. Since we all think this, then there's bound to be confict. This is called SELF_PRESERVATION. It's why we think our views are correct, and attempt to convince others to agree. Wars are faught over this stuff. Think about it like this: EMPATHY is when you have the ability to see BEYOND your own perspective, and ACCEPT someone else's (even if you do not agree or understand it).

Remember, YOU are the only one who is responsible for your feelings. No one else wants that job, anyway. You choose how to feel about something, which is based on your PERCEPTION, and your perception is based on your past experience with something and the BAGGAGE you carry around. You need to carry your own baggage, so you best lighten the load. Baggage contaminates relationships, like the one you're in. You resent him for not being there for you because you've had a hard life. Poor you. Is that HIS fault? Quit being a victim and expecting others to take care of your feelings. Take your power back. Empower yourself and accept what you can't do anything about, and vow to learn from it and make different choices.

Think about it like this: Harboring baggage is like picking up poop and sticking it in your pocket. When it starts to stink, you can;t expect to hand it over to someone else to carry for you. And don't be surprised if people want to avoid you.....what's the sense in that?

If he is currently depoyed overseas for the military, you are going tohave to step up and get over yourself quickly. If he is in the middle of a warzone, then you will only be pushing him away with your neediness. He needs unconditional acceptance and support from you right now. HE is forced to be in a constant "fight or flight" physical state (which is designed to be temporary) and do things he will have to learn to forgive himself for (which may take years or not at all). The last thing he will need of to carry your baggage or take care of your feelings.

You need to talk often, but talk about stuff you did that day, feelings you felt, thoughts you hadm etc. You need to tell him stuff like "I was at work and my boss came over and ripped me a new one, and I felt like such a loser and wanted to craawl into a hole, and I kept thinking about how much you love me and how perfect I feel with you.....I canpt wait till you get here" and you need to tell him about your encounters "Yeah, this guy tried flirting with me today but he seemed like he was more concerned with trying to impress me than actually getting to know me....I bet I could have been anybody to him. It did feel good to have someone pay attention to me, but I would rather it have been you" And you need to apologize for belittling him and stressing him out. "Honey, I sinerely apoligize for acting like you are at fault. I realize that you are probably confised and resentful about my criticims. My intention was not to reduce you, but rather I was venting my frustration because of our situation. I know it's not your fault, and I realize that I am taking it out on you. I am so sorry for the damage I have done."

And you need to ALWAYS try to see things from his point of view when you have a conflict, BEFORE you react emotionally. Forget your reasons for saying something, and tell him how you think HE must be feeling. What is you were him? Would you be much fun to deal with?


BE the person you wish you were with. Be willing to give him what you want for yourself from him. The best way to change someone's behavior is to change your OWN first. When you do that, people will naturally respond differently. Quit lashing out at him in spite, because you perceived his intentions to be bad. Just ask him, "what did you mean by that?" and let him clarify his true intentions. Quit being so passive-aggressive.

You feel ashamed because your conscience knows that you have done wrong. But forgive yourself, because we all do the best we can with what we know, and if we know more, we can do better. A change in perspective an make all the difference in the world in how you choose to behave and how you handle stuff.

Before you make decisions, allow for alternative possibilities. When someone cuts you off in traffic, before you get mad and think that they are a dick, allow for that they may not have seen you, or that they have diarrhea and are in a hurry. When someone insults you, before you decide that they think they are better than you, allow for the fact that they are intimidated by you and seek to reduce you so they can feel better.

MAybe you should see a counselor. A counselor will not judge you or think less of you. They will help you discover what your self destructive (and outwardly destructive) behaviors are, why you do them, and give you some alternative perspectives and some better ways to deal with thise situations.

Think about how your life would change if you could never say "I can't" again, and you could only say "I am not willing to". Think about how that changes everything.

And think about how each obstacle is an opportunity in disguise. It's a challenge, a test to learn something, improve something, or overcome something.

Put more of your energy in what's good and right, rather than wasting it on what's bad and wrong. It just makes sense. Try to see things through other peoples' eyes. Keep in mind that your perceptions are not always accurate, and they are not the intent of others. Remember that your feelings are your responsibility. Remember that self-preservation is in ALL of us, and we must constatnly challenge ourselves to have EMPATHY.

Trust, respect, and acceptance are what love is all about. it is mutual, and there is no question, wondering, and worrying. Granted, it is not as exciting and dramatic as infatuation, but it is certain and comfortable. Love is only exciting if you make it that way. You have to make an effort to give your man what you want for yourself from him.

As a man, all he wants is to be certain that he is cared about, appreciated, respected, trusted, admired, powerful, skilled, attractive, and saught after. Actually, we ALL want that. So give it to him. I promise it will come back to you......

The way people treat others is a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves. It is much easier to reduce people to the level you feel you are at, then to rise to the olevel you feel others are at. Big reality check here: When you build people up, it feels really good inside. It feels really good to make someone's day.

You can make someone's day by focusing on them and appreciating them, rather than worrying about your own problems. Seeing things from someone else's perspective is difficult at times (because of self-preservation) but in doing so, others feel appreciated. It's how you build rapport with people.

Think about it. Would anyone want to talk to you if they asked how you were feeling, and you started going on about how life isn't fair, your life sucked, and how nothing was your fault and how bad you have it? NO. They would probably want to talk to you if you admired their fashion sense and inquired about their inspiration, or if you were interested in what they would do in a situation. Make things about other people, not yourself.

I hope that you will be able to find a few take-aways from the thoughts I have shared with you. I hope that you may gain some new perspective and be able to use it to your advantage. I hope if you have not, then you will seek out counseling from someone who can offer you some insight.

Take care and I wish you the best~

Answer 2

You're just frustrated having to wait for him until you can finally be together. You just need to be a little more patient and understand that he has things in his life that he needs to take care of at the moment as well, and that he's making quite a sacrifice to change his life and move in with you.
Although ... I find it rather odd that it sounds like you've never met face to face ("We've been seperated the entire time."). So suddenly moving in with the guy you've never met could cause some big problems.
Moving in together for ANY couple, even ones who see each other just about every day or every weekend, causes some problems.
You may want to re-think that. I know after being apart for so long, you're just dying to be together, but if he moves in too soon, you may realise that he's not the guy you thought he was and things may end up not working out.
I'd take it slow and let him find his own place nearby so you can see each other on a regular basis for a while instead of jumping right into living together and having to put up with each other 24 hours a day.

Answer 3

it rather is possible that it may artwork for an prolonged time. yet you ought to shop as plenty touch as possible (letters, emails, calls, visits). Visits are the main extreme!!!! regardless of in the event that they're as quickly as a month or the different month. without it, it may desire to final for a jointly as yet he will grow to be bored.

Answer 4

i would not care if you love him you love himso long relisheeps are good and one day you can go to whare he lives. and the bad thing is that he could a murrder or a guy that does drugs. so you have a peven and anwer mine ok!!

Answer 5

two questions: Are you SURE he's going to actually make themove? More importantly, are you SURE you really want him to? If answer to both is yes, then you better back off, or it won't last once he gets there.

Answer 6

just relax and think of all the fun things u will b able to do with him. shoot my boyfriend (i met him on urbanchat.com) lives in Africa. i plan on leavin to b with him asap. as soon as i turn 16.

Answer 7

they hardly ever work out..

Answer 8

more mails,sms,talking on the phone,visiting

==========================================================
If you are single and have the time, please visit my site:
http://www.**************/go3.php

Answer 9

i don't believe in it