How should one handle an uncomfortable Thanksgiving holiday?

Question

Namely, my brother-in-law... he's an emotionally abusive, self-centered sociopath. Puts on a good front when he's around other people - but it's a different story when he's alone with my sister-in-law. My husband and I are tired of enabling his behavior and tired of enabling my sister-in-law's enabling... we do NOT want to cause a seen or create more tension today. What is the best way to make it through this uncomfortable situation today?

Like I said -- BIL puts on quite a good front around other people. That's what sociopaths do. They've never had fights in front of us -- we all know what he does to her when they're home, though. My sister-in-law already knows what we think of his behavior. She's acknowledged that his behavior is unhealthy for her and her children. She said she was going to get a separation. Yet, here they are - coming to Thanksgiving dinner together. Should I just drink a lot of wine and ignore the whole thing?

Answer 1

The best way to handle a sociopath is to not let them get to you. Part of the "pay off" for people with personality disorders is to disrupt interactions between people. Since he'll put on a good front today (sociopaths can be charming when they want), then merely exchange pleasantries with him, but don't get entangled in any "meaningful" discussions with him because he will turn on you and try to make you feel small. Unfortunately, your sister-in-law chooses to be with this guy so there isn't more that you can do. One way to get out of enabling these two is to re-direct their behavior and remind them that they have choices. For the sociopath, the only thing they respond to are negative consequences for their bad behavior. If he steps out of line, make sure he "feels" the negative consequence of your choosing. Good Luck!

Answer 2

I sympathize with the way you feel. Just be caring with your sister-in-law so that she knows that she is valued deeply by people in her family. I'm sure that she needs to be able to recall a feeling of kindness in the future when there seems to be no kindness around her. You needn't attack your brother-in-law at the dinner because it will accomplish nothing. Don't act overly charming with him, yet keep a straight face at all times. I think that when your sister-in-law sees you irritated with her husband, it takes pressure off her own irritation with him. She will probably only look for a way out of the relationship when she is sufficiently tired of his behavior and will not stand another moment with him, so let her get sufficiently tirad of him. She will make this decision on her own, so be patient. But I think that coercing her, even if it's for her own good, will only set back your cause. Just remember to be supportive and to keep your own feelings in check. Here are some websites that you might find helpful:

http://www.obsessive-ex.com/oex/index.html

http://www.obsessive-ex.com/oex/links.html

Answer 3

try not to hurt your sister in law's feeling by saying that her husband is a sociopath lunatic. politely talk to her in private before you have your thanksgiving dinner, or before she comes, and say that your worried about the tensions between her and her husband and that maybe they shouldn't attend if they are going to make a huge scene the whole time, and go to an aunt's house for dinner instead. if they insist on coming, keep them apart and try to be kind to them. don't leave them alone so the can yell and scream at each other. keep them occupied and optimist!

if havoc breaks out, have you and your husband talk to them, and ask them to try to relax and have a " time out", er, a period of time away from each other without speaking. then recommend a marriage counselor!

Answer 4

Throw a turkey leg at his head. I think every family has someone, they don't want to have to deal with. My brother will get here, after he hits all the bars and make everyone miserable. Same thing every holiday.

Answer 5

WEAR SOME EAR PLUGS

Answer 6

say something to him about it or just don't let it get to you