Step Daughter makes hostile remarks, out of the blue many times. How does one reply to this?

Question

I’m talking to my 11 yr old step-daughter about for example pets. She says things like “If I had a dog I would beat him every day” or if I’m talking to her about a movie that I’d like to see (ANY MOVIE even one that she originally said she liked) she says “I won’t look at it if you get it!” Sometimes we will be spending time together at the mall or out to eat and out of the blue she says, “When I go back home to visit my mom I’m going to forget all about you”. Is this just pre-teen attention seeking even if it’s negative attention? Is she just being a little b!$ch or what? Also how would you reply to this? Just ignore it? Admonish her or what?

FYI her parents split when she was 1 yrs old. I met her father 3 yrs later. Also "Teresa" you may be right. I'm not a good step mom. I'm shipping her to you tommorrow COD I'm sure you'll be much better for her (disgusted eye roll). Johnny Sunday's I think you are onto something BIGTIME! I've noticed that she seems to get some kind of little buzz out of it when I react to outrageous remarks.

Answer 1

She's going through the pain of a broken home. This is how children deal with it. They blame the person who they think is the cause of the problem. Her parents, you... the ones who were supposed to provide her with consistancy and a happy home couldnt. NOw she has a mom who's else where, and a dad who's with a different woman.

Even if it was years ago that this situation came about, she can still be waiting until now to act it out.

She needs therapy, and understanding. And someone to help you know when and how to correct her behavior. but the bahavior cant be fixed until the pain she's suffering with is delt with.

I suggest you all get cousiling together.

Answer 2

I am not surprised that you have problems with her. If you can ask if she is a ***** or what means that you have a problem and I think she is just feeding into it. How an adult can say something like that about a child (11 is a young child) tells me they are not the best step parent. Grow up! This little girl needs some counseling and someone in her corner as it sounds like she feels very unloved and alone, and you sound as though family counseling would not hurt. Blended family's take work. It may have to do with all the violence that is going on around her as in your past you talk about how hard the boys act towards each other. If dad wont go to counseling just let her remarks go over your head as she is just acting out.

Sorry if I came off a little (alot) b**ch but I do believe that if we say things like that the kids know how we feel and you are the adult. If you are just venting as an adult I was surprised you addressed it that way. I don't believe that any parent is the perfect parent we do what we can and learn as we go. Sorry!

Answer 3

Im not aware of your situation but it sounds like she is really hurting from her Mother & Father splitting up. She is most likely blaming you for it so I dont know if they split up before you met him or if they split up because you met him but either way she is turning her hurt into frustration & anger toward you. The entire family needs to go to a family counselor. Please do this soon as she will only get worse if you dont do something about it now. She just needs to understand why things happened and what the reality of life is and she needs to learn how to handle & deal with things in a better way. There are always going to be things in life that everyone will need to handle and its very crucial to give her the tools necessary to work through things. This is not just about her so please dont let your anger get the best of you and refer to your daughter as a b****, she is your daughter and whether you like it or not you need to act as her mother, not her friend nor her judge. Her birth Mother & Father, You and your stepdaughter all must go to a family conselor and also let her have some individual sessions because Im sure there are things she would tell someone else alone than with everyone around. She is just going through a hard time in life right now. Everyone needs to put aside themselves and focus on her. She will get the attention either by continuing to act out or by everyone focusing on what is going on and helping her to productively deal with the pain she is going through. The latter is in everyones best interest.

Answer 4

Don't admonish, please. Ask her, when you have some time to listen, to tell you about those feelings and keep asking questions WITH NO JUDGEMENT OF THE ANSWERS until she gives you the source of the statements. It will no doubt be a great deal of anger over something--most likely the fact that her parents split. She may also be carrying a good deal of erroneous guilt. You'll need a good deal of patience and NO JUDGEMENT of the feelings. You can and should judge and have consequences for actions but never for feelings.

Answer 5

Sounds like this is oppositional-defiant behavior -- anything to get a rise out of you.

I agree that minimizing the comments is helpful, although you need to do more than just ignore the comments. I don't know how you respond to her, however, it may be that she actually LIKES you, thus, her comment about "I'm going to forget all about you," MAY really mean she is going to miss you.

One thing that works with oppositionally-defiant kids is to turn it back on them. You might say, "Well, I won't forget about you, and it's okay if you forget about me."

I once worked with a kid no one wanted to work with who said he liked to eat road-kill (now he didn't but that's what he said and people freaked out). I suggested he make a cook book of road kill -- he was so startled that I went with his line of thought, that he actually became friendly to me -- and later I was able to help him. But our first contact was me "agreeing" with him. Maybe turn things into a joke -- you might say, "If I had a squirrel, I'd make him eat yogurt everyday -- with raisins...." or something silly, but not violent -- but certainly not the norm. Turn it around -- it will shock her, and it will make what she says less "disturbing." It takes practice, but it can be done.

There is a book out there called "The Dance of Anger," by Harriet Lerner. It's a quick easy read, but filled with tons of useful techniques, and interesting examples, of what to do when someone is pushing your buttons. I highly suggest it.

You have a marriage to save, and if you and the step-daughter are already at this stage in your relationship, wait until she's a teenager!! I'd nip it in the bud now. Good luck!

Answer 6

She is looking for attention from her broken home or what ever reason. Your best response to any to this is to not give her the attention that she is looking for from the remark. When she makes a out of line remark, just shrug your shoulders and continue with whatever you were saying or doing. DO NOT acknowledge the remark by saying anything or doing anything. Doing anything that acknowledges the remark will give her the attention that she is looking for and enforcing her negative behavior.

Instead, give her attention from positive things she does or says. This will enforce her positive behavior.

In addition, think about counseling for her (perhaps together with your spouse).

Answer 7

Gently, cheefully, calmly, disinterestedly say something in a soft murmur such as, "Really?" or, "That's nice, dear,"; something that shows you have zero hostility towards her, and zero interest in her foolish remark. Meaningless, uninterested, softly-spoken comments like this will take all the fun out of it for her.

It will get boring when you stop being interested in it. Try it, I believe it will work.

Answer 8

to me this seems like maybe she was abused. im not saying this is true, but it jsut seems like all of her anger and frustration.
i am 15 yrs old now, and i still want attention. i have done things and wanted to get caught so i can be know as the 'tough' girl in my family. to me it is either abuse or attention. talk to her, and her about what she really wants and try to communicate on that level with her. good luck!

Answer 9

I think that her behavior would confuse me soo much. The going home to mom and forgeting all about your makes me think she is really trying hard to you to love her, but the bit about the dog.... maybe she needs help!

Answer 10

hi my step daughter tried that for a while but i just ignored all the terrable jabs and stabs and eventuely when she relised it wasn't going to work she backed off and now we have a friends relationship good luck