What does "tough love" mean exactly (parents and children)?

Question

I'm 14 and frankly I'm not sure what tough love means exactly. Of course, parents say tough love is something like taking harsh measures when they think it's necessary to correct their kids. But I'm not sure if tough love is something continuous or something that's used only when required, a necessary evil. To me, love does'nt need and shouldn't be given adjectives. So, I guess tough love is just an expression parents use to justify their harsh attitudes towards their kids. That's probabby what my parents did to me almost 1 year ago and that made me so resentful that since them I've avoided them and act like a stranger, though they even say I'm proud of me (except for my resentful behavior, but which is my undeniable right).
So, if in the future my parents are in need and I'm in a very good situation, it's OK I deny them any help and just say this is for their own good, because they will learn and grow up as persons from adversity. Tough love, OK?

I mean they, my parents, are proud of me, not Im proud of me, lol. It was a typo

Answer 1

In the normal meaning, tough love means holding a person, not just a child, responsible for their actions. So, if you get good grades, you get rewards in the form of trust and additional leeway. If, on the other hand, you violate rules or do not live up to established standards (which you need and MUST know and understand ahead of time) you face consequences, which, again, need to be known in advance to you. Most folks who face tough love face it because they have not had to face the consequences of their actions and so protest, throw tantrums (as you are doing by trying to "punish" you parents by withholding affection and communication), act out, and violate more rules to be released from the rules. IF and only if, tough love is applied fairly, with knowledge ahead of time, firmly but gently, and agreement on the "rules" by both parties, it can be very effective in helping a person learn to deal with life. From your description, there is no way of knowing whether you're facing tough love. I grieve for you and the separateness you are feeling from your parents. It's got to be a bad place to be. Do you have anyone you can talk with about it? A school counselor, a minister, a trusted adult?

Answer 2

Tough love is implementing parenting measures, though unfavorable, to a situation warranting such action. Bear in mind that although these measures may be considered harsh and hence will not be appreciated at the time, they ultimately come out of a place of genuine love...or at least, it ought to. If it stems from a place of spitefulness and resentment, it is then questionable whether it is truly 'tough love'. The scenario you're describing in terms of possibly denying your parents in the future if they are in need, does not classify as tough love since you are not in a situation to 'parent' your parents and it sounds more like payback or retaliation for the tough love they may currently be dishing out at you.

Bottomline, it is the motive behind the harsh resolutions that ultimately determines whether it is tough love or not. If it's not coming from a place of genuine love but spite and resentment, then it can't be tough love.

Answer 3

On a long term scale, putting marriage first might not be immediately visible to an observer. Initially in a marriage, it means doing the basic things necessary to lay a good foundation for the new union: communicating about financial goals and issues, figuring out roles, where you're going to live, etc. Later, it has more to do with upkeep. I heard someone years ago compare putting the marriage first to laying the concrete foundation for the house, and then the frame, with the family being everything else that composes the house. I can't repeat the analogy as well as that person did. But I get it. In action, I guess it would look like a couple who takes the time to be knowledgable about common pitfalls in marriage (like resentment after a baby is born, not communicating clearly about how money will be spent, etc.). These are things that happen in most marriages, but people often aren't aware of them until things have gotten out of control. Putting marriage first means doing the difficult task of communicating about things that are difficult, need solutions, or just plain communicating in some fashion at all (my first husband was not and is not a communicator). It means setting time aside for planning, taking care of things, making sure both parents are on the same page when it comes to child care, discipline, education, and so forth. It means consciously setting time aside to do things together as a couple without the children along; if kids are around the couple is doing more active parenting than connecting with one another (which is also okay). The (hopefully) desired outcome is multi-fold: children see a healthy, vital relationship in action with adults who tackle arguments constructively, apologize, take care of one another, show one another affection, defend one another, support one another, work together for the better good of the whole family, and who provide a solid, secure place for children to do what they need to do--grow up; children model this behavior in their own relationships, both with friends and romantic partners. When problems arise, and they will, the kids see parents who might be stressed and get angry, depressed, burnt out, or whatever, but their parents pull it together, work to find solutions, and make the commitment to get the family through hard times to better times. All of this is theoretical, and most marriages manage to attain some of these characteristics. My own parents didn't do so well in the strong, healthy marriage department. And after one failed marriage, I'm now hyper-alert to any little problem in this one, but I suppose it's better to be aware than have my head in the sand. The kids (from my first marriage) are very aware of the difference in this relationship than the one with their father--they see alot more affection and humor between their step-dad and I; they protested at first to our insistence that we leave the little one in their care so we can go out to dinner. Alone. But they seem to be more secure here than at their dad's. I don't know if this answered your question. It happened to have been a topic of conversation with my husband a few days ago, too, so I had some thoughts to add.

Answer 4

Tough love.....hmmm......here is an example of tough love...... Your parents find out that there will be several rival gangs at a concert that you are planning on going to, Your mom and dad do not allow you to go to the concert. You may think that your parents are punishing you or being TOUGH on you. In reality your parents chose to forbid you from going to the concert because they LOVE you and do not want anything to happen to you.

Answer 5

As kids we are not expected to understand,every thing our parents taught us,however there experience,wisdom,knowledge and understanding,makes it passable for them to guide us in the right direction.Sure enough they can be abusive.Just remember there are professional out there that will,help us as a family to get on the right path.Never lose your self,you might end up doing the things you hate the most.