holiday hell with new mother-in-law?

Question

About a month ago I had asked my mother in law if she would mind If I do Thanksgiving my mother had no problem with it but mother in law did. She said it was her favorite holiday and she wanted to do it. I said no problem I just thought it would make things a little easier so that we wouldn't have to go to her house at 12 and my moms at 5. I have no problem doing that but my mother inlaw does. She thinks you should go to one place for the holidays I have always went to 2 familys for thanksgiving and I want to keep it that way. I like to see my family every year as well as my husbands family and I am willing to do both.
My mother-in-law is being really selfish she calls last night to talk to my husband and they are discusing Thanksgiving my husband tells her that we won't be eating dinner there we will have appitizers and stay a while but we are eating at my wifes mothers because we ate last year at your house for dinner. This is the problem my mom is flexible she will do lunch or dinn

she will do lunch or dinner but my mother in law needs to give alittle too. She wanted to have dinner between 2:30 and 3pm. I swear she does it because she is jelous of my husbands relationship with my family we are all very close and we do alot of things together. She doesn't like that. She wants us to go to her house this year and my moms next I don't feel I should give in to something I feel so strong about but I don't want to be her enemy we just got married in September but we have been together over 6 years. Ohh and when she said I couldn't do Thanksgiving she said I can do Christmas day and then she tells us she wont even be their she is going to her sisters. But we have to go to her house christmas eve

What do you think of this crappy mess. I need some advice as of now my husband is so upset with his mother we are not even going for Thanksgiving. Thaings can change

Answer 1

My mother-in-law told my husband and I she was not doing Thanksgiving or Christmas this year because of money, because her diabetes is getting worse and because she is tired of her son eating and running. She does not take into account that her son works at night and has to sleep during the day. She fixes the meal according to her schedule only. Since she told us she wasn't cooking, we made our own pans to invite my brother over, as he has no other family in the area except us. My husband told his mother when she asked later if we ever made other plans. He told her and she got ill. She went off on him because her, her husband, and her mother weren't invited over. He tried to explain that the seating just isn't there and she said we'd have to make our own plans. Now she is doing nothing but laying guilt trips on him and it's working...to a point. She will never change. Part of it is because she is selfish and needy, though perfectly capable. She is also jealous because he doesn't spend as much time kissing her butt.

You are not alone. It will either blow over or it won't. You and your husband need to come up with a plan for the holidays. The one you have sounds like a good one. Either alternate holidays each year at her house and your mother's, or do Thanksgiving at your mom's/Christmas at his mom's this year. Next year swap out.

Answer 2

I think it is time you and your husband set boundries. Holidays are about spending time with the people you love. Perhaps-you should start incorporating a rotational holiday pattern. I know you said that you like to keep them seperate, but it is sooo much easier and less stressful in the long run. I think your motherlaw is being unreasonable, selfish and perhaps is till trying to exhibit what little control she has over your family. Quite frankly-I'd be a bit annoyed at her unwillingness to compromise. What did her and her husband do? Did she create the laws of the land. At,this point in the day-it is really hard to try and salvage this. Sounds to me like your mother in law is having a tempertantrum-because she can't have things her way. The only bandaid I can think of is to call her, explain to her how much she means to you and your family, but also remind her that you and your husband have created a new life which includes the balance of other members of the family. Her feelings are hurt. She being reactionary and unreasonable. Tough to deal with people when the emotions are running high. But honestly, family relationships are complicated-but they shouldn't be this hard. Life is too short. She has systematically taken the joy out of this holiday. Manipulative-yes, Childish-yes, Painful-Yes-Your mother in law is wounded, but if you let her get away with this immature additude-you will be laying out the path for her to do this with future holidays. What happens if you have children? Will she expect you to uproot the children every holiday and concede to her rules to convience her? Okay now I'm getting mad. Good luck, console the wounded soul to try and make some happiness out of the day. Or you could look at it from a business perspective. She didn't make the cut-off. You have other meatings. Do you want to reschedule? That would definately show her that your time is valuable and so is your husbands, so if you want to make a commintment to spend time with each other-she'll have to honor her part of the bargain. You snooze-you loose. Ouch!!

Answer 3

That is always a problem on holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter don't have to be one day holidays. Sounds like you don't mind the travel so why not go to one house on Christmas Eve the other on Christmas Day. One house on Good Friday, the other on Easter Sunday. On house on Thanksgiving the other the following Sunday. Than alternate the following year. If your MONSTER-IN-LAW doesn't see it that way then I hope to God she dies first.

Answer 4

Don't feel bad. Its sounds like you & your husband have gone about this in a sound way.

It takes time to work out all of these things. You are on the right track.

My wife & I have 7 children & usualy have Thanksgiveing at our house. If they have some where else to go they do.

Our family is close & while it is hard to get evrey one together at one time, most of us get to gether often.

Answer 5

don't fret baby girl!! when i got married my hubby said "thanks giving at my moms 12:until, christmas eve, grandmothers @ 4, then to my moms, christmas day my moms as soon as we get up." there was NO room for MY family, or any of the traditions WE had.....my family is flexable too...so, when you hit a "lightbulb" age...you will put your foot down, or in his rear, and change alot of that stuff. go with the flow for now. M-I-L will eventually make it easy on herself...if or when you have kids, your story will change! hang in there! yahoo answerers are here to listen!!!

Answer 6

She sounds like a miserable old cow. Slip some Ex Lax into her appetiser, she won't be in any position to care what you do 20 mins later.

Answer 7

Lots of couple switch off years. Too bad for her. She's being selfish. Just do as planned and she'll get over it.

Answer 8

follow your plans. but after the holidays talk with her about the x mas holiday too see if you can come to an family agreement on what everyone is comfortable with,, if she cant understand its her loss

Answer 9

flip a coin.. then say.. ok thanksgiving your house, xmas there..
next year thankgiving there, xmas your house...
let them gripe.. its only about 5 or 6 hours out of the year.. you can grin and bear it hopefully.

Answer 10

Deal with it, or divorce. These are the only two options. I'd opt for the later.