I was dating my boyfriend for a year before I found out he was abusive. It took me a while to work up the courage to walk out but I did. 6 months on, he has got in contact with me again. He says he is so sorry for the way he treated me and he wants to try again. I truly believe he has changed but none of my friends do. I understand the way they feel but am upset. We've been back together for 3 weeks now and living together for 2. Things have been going so well, I know it's early days but am determined to make a go of this! How can I show people he's changed!?
2006-11-23 00:19:03 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Wait until the new wears off or he gets under pressure, or whatever that may trigger him. If you were my sister and
I found out you were seeing him again, a few mates and I might have to pay him a call....but then if we had made the call in the first place, when he did it before...
Of course it depends on the abuse, what some call abuse is not, and some take beatings and call it okay. More information really is needed.
2006-11-23 01:01:45 · answer #1 · answered by Charles-CeeJay_UK_ USA/CheekyLad 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The thing is, they are worried about you and have good reason to be. I bet when you and your boyfriend got together the first time things were great- until the abuse started. They are worried that even though things are going well now, later on, he will fall into bad habits again.
I am a strong believer in someone proving they have changed. It is very very easy to say you have and to be a convincing actor or actress. I would not take back anyone who had been abusive towards me unless he could prove firstly that he had taken genuine measures to help his problem. If his problem is alcohol I would want to know that he was seeing someone, and if it is anger and unresolved issues that led to him being violent- I would want for him to prove that he is seeing someone to sort this out.
I had an abusive father so I know all the signs and how genuine they seem when they say that they will change but if he loves you he will want to give you that insurance that he is trying to better himself and your life together.
I would not have taken him back so soon, I know you love him and as they say love can be blind. I believe your friends only have your best interests at heart. By all means support him, see that he gets the help he needs. Three weeks is not a long time at all sweetheart, it is early days and you are still in that beginning phase. Support him, and love him but see he gets help. It's important, trust me.
2006-11-23 00:28:32 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Be careful with yourself.
It's easy to feel that things have changed, but 6 months is a very short time in which a person can alter how they use to treat someone they are supposed to love.
I would also want to know who had the idea to live together so soon after getting back together.
If this is right and he truly has changed then you should both want to take things slowly to get it right.
Let your friends know that you are trying to make it work and that you need them in your life, even if they are uncomfortable with your choices.
It is rare for someone to be abusive, and to change so quickly without a major life altering experience. Give it a go, but don't be fooled. ANY sign of trouble, get out of there without a backward glance.
You are doing what you think is right - if it turns out not to be, then you know you have loving friends who'll get you through.
2006-11-23 00:41:47 · answer #3 · answered by wissy67 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You can't show people he's changed, his actions over time will speak louder than any words you could say to them. Your friends love you and don't want to see you hurt. You can't fault them for that, I'm sure you would feel the same way if the roles were reversed.
Be cautious in this relationship. You are in the honeymoon phase and only time will tell if he has truly changed. If you see any signs of abusive behavior leave.
You may want to consider relationship counseling even if there aren't any signs. There is still the underlying issue of abuse because if he goes through stress or other problems in his life he may resort to coping the way he did previously. He needs to learn new skills rather than resorting to old habits.
My husband was emotionally abusive when he first came home from the war. I really thought there was no hope, but he we both went through counseling. He and I both learned a lot. We have broken the cycle of abusive behavior. He still has some post traumatic stress issues to deal with, but he has learned new ways of coping! That is good for both of us.
Good luck!
2006-11-23 00:26:54 · answer #4 · answered by Wicked Good 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You cant show anyone hun - thats up to him.
Your friends are only concerned and so would I be.
I'm sorry but it obviously took a lot of courage to walk away the first time, in my opininon he now possibly thinks he has more control over you now you have given in and gone back to him. I could be wrong - he might of changed - but I have never heard a story of a reformed woman beater -sorry.
Just promise that your really careful and on your guard. He might of changed - but its early days. This one wont be resolved quickly with your friends - they prob all love you and are just worried that the past might repeat itself.
2006-11-23 00:26:39 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
you are the only one he has to show he has changed ---- history shows that few people who are abusive ever change --- the only advice is be VERY careful --- if he shows the signs get away quickly as he may be worse this time
2006-11-23 00:31:47 · answer #6 · answered by trader1867 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
people are just concerned for you and dont want him to hurt you again give them time but bear in mind this is the honeymoon period and he has a lot of work to do yet before you can fully trust him again
good luck
2006-11-23 00:58:46 · answer #7 · answered by bexieboo 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Only time will tell
Be careful not to alienate your friends because WHEN he turns abusive again u will need them
2006-11-23 00:33:34 · answer #8 · answered by rachel d 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Your friends care about you and they don't want you to get hurt again. Don't push your BF on your friends. Your BF has to win the friends trust back.
2006-11-23 00:24:26 · answer #9 · answered by *me* 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If he has changed then good for you. To be honest i dont think he has. Abusive people don't change jus like that. I hope he's unique, good luck, you'll need it.
2006-11-23 00:23:48 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋