Can you make me laugh?

Question

What is your funniest joke or riddle or ancedote?

Answer 1

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she toldthe repairman, "I'll leave the key underthe mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog,Spike.He won't bother you. But,whatever you do, do NOT,under ANYcircumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But,just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairmango about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name-calling.
Finally the repairman couldn'tcontain himselfany longer and yelled,"Shut up, you stupid,
uglybird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!
See, Men just don't listen!

Answer 2

I've never been too big on housecleaning but I try to keep things tidy and reasonably clean. One day I was in the bathroom and I noticed something on the side of the bath tub. Low and behold, it was a MUSHROOM growing out between the tiles. My husband and I laughed so hard I thought I would cry. A week ago I got a phone call from an aquaintence who asked me if I'd be willing to spend 5-6 hours a week at $12.00 an hour to do housecleaning. I almost told her 'make it $15.00 and I'll throw in some fungus.'

Answer 3

well lets see now...
Preparing for Santa...

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.
Please read the following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however,
there are a few differences between us...

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off!" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played
on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be:
Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It."

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209

Answer 4

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

How do you improve the gas mileage on a musician's car. Remove the Dominos Pizza sign from the top.

Answer 5

What is the one food, that dimishes a women's sex drive by 90%. A wedding cake!

This is just a joke!! I am a happily married women of 30 years.

Answer 6

4 women get together for lunch. The first woman says, "My son is a Priest and all the ladies call him Father. Isn't that nice?"

The second woman shrugs. "Well, my son is a Bishop and dignified women everywhere call him Your Grace."

The third woman rolls her eyes. "I've got you both beat. My son is a Cardinal and the women call him Your Emenince."

They all look at the 4th woman who has been quiet all this time. Finally, she says, "Well...my son is handsome, muscular, and a stripper. When women see him, they cry out MY GOD!!!"

Answer 7

Two strings walk into a bar. The bartender walks up to them and says "I'm sorry, you'll have to leave now, we don't serve strings here." The strings quite irritated get up and walk out. One string looks at the other and says "I'm not gonna take this any more, they can't do this to me!" So in an angry move he frays the ends of his string and ties himself into a knot and proceeds to re-enter the bar. The bartender approaches him, "Hey, you look familiar, have you been in here before?" The string answers "not me." The bartender responds, "I know you, your one of those Strings aren't you?" The string replies, "frayed knot!"

Answer 8

What happened when the principal fell in the copy machine?

She was standing beside herself!


--That's been my joke for many, many, many years. It's not as funny now as it was back in the day.

Answer 9

Bush and Cheney are at a diner.The waitress asks if they are ready to order,to which Bush replies with a grin,'I'll take a quicky.'The shocked waitress backs up and leaves the table in silence.Without looking up from his menu,Cheney says,'It is quiche,George...QUICHE!'

Answer 10

Pity the athies dyslexic insomniac. He lays awake all night contemplating dog.