does anyone know where i can find a monologue called "Albert and the Lion"?

Answer 1

It's one of my favourites - I recite it every Christmas.

It's actually written by Marriot Edgar, though it was Stanley Holloway who made it famous.

The site I've linked to has lots of his other monologues too

Answer 2

THE LION AND ALBERT
by
Marriott Edgar





There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool,
That's noted for fresh-air and fun,
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Went there with young Albert, their son.

A grand little lad was their Albert
All dressed in his best; quite a swell
'E'd a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle
The finest that Woolworth's could sell.

They didn't think much to the ocean
The waves, they was fiddlin' and small
There was no wrecks... nobody drownded
'Fact, nothing to laugh at, at all.

So, seeking for further amusement
They paid and went into the zoo
Where they'd lions and tigers and cam-els
And old ale and sandwiches too.

There were one great big lion called Wallace
His nose were all covered with scars
He lay in a som-no-lent posture
With the side of his face to the bars.

Now Albert had heard about lions
How they were ferocious and wild
And to see Wallace lying so peaceful
Well... it didn't seem right to the child.

So straight 'way the brave little feller
Not showing a morsel of fear
Took 'is stick with the'orse's 'ead 'andle
And pushed it in Wallace's ear!

You could see that the lion didn't like it
For giving a kind of a roll
He pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im
And swallowed the little lad... whole!

Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence
And didn't know what to do next
Said, "Mother! Yon lions 'et Albert"
And Mother said "Eeh, I am vexed!"

So Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Quite rightly, when all's said and done
Complained to the Animal Keeper
That the lion had eaten their son.

The keeper was quite nice about it
He said, "What a nasty mishap
Are you sure that it's your lad he's eaten?"
Pa said, "Am I sure? There's his cap!"

So the manager had to be sent for
He came and he said, "What's to do?"
Pa said, "Yon lion's 'eaten our Albert
And 'im in his Sunday clothes, too."

Then Mother said, "Right's right, young feller
I think it's a shame and a sin
For a lion to go and eat Albert
And after we've paid to come in!"

The manager wanted no trouble
He took out his purse right away
And said, "How much to settle the matter?"
And Pa said "What do you usually pay?"

But Mother had turned a bit awkward
When she thought where her Albert had gone
She said, "No! someone's got to be summonsed"
So that were decided upon.

Round they went to the Police Station
In front of a Magistrate chap
They told 'im what happened to Albert
And proved it by showing his cap.

The Magistrate gave his o-pinion
That no-one was really to blame
He said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms
Would have further sons to their name.

At that Mother got proper blazing
"And thank you, sir, kindly," said she
"What waste all our lives raising children
To feed ruddy lions? Not me!"

Answer 3

Here:
The lion and Albert
by Marriot Edgar (1932)

There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool,
That's noted for fresh air and fun,
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Went there with young Albert, their son.

A grand little lad was young Albert,
All dressed in his best; quite a swell
With stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle,
The finest that Woolworth's could sell.

They didn't think much of the ocean:
The waves, they was fiddlin' and small,
There was no wrecks and nobody drownded,
Fact, nothing to laugh at at all.

So, seeking for further amusement,
They paid and went into the zoo,
Where they'd Lions and Tigers and Camels,
And old ale and sandwiches too.

There was one great big Lion called Wallace;
His nose were all covered with scars-
He lay in a somnlent posture,
With the side of his face on the bars.

Now Albert had heard about Lions,
How they were ferocious and wild-
To see Wallace lying so peaceful,
Well, it didn't seem right to the child.

So straightway the brave little feller,
Not showing a morsel of fear,
Took his stick withits 'orse's 'ead 'andle
And pushed it in Wallaces ear.

You could see that the Lion didn't like it,
For giving a kind of a roll,
He pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im,
And swallowed the little lad 'ole.

Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence,
And didn't know what to do next,
Said 'Mother! Yon Lion's 'et Albert',
And Mother said 'Well I am vexed!'

Then Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom -
Quite rightly, when all said and done -
Complained to the Animal keeper,
That the Lion had eaten their son.

The keeper was quite nice about it;
He said 'what a nasty mishap.
Are you sure that it's your boy he's eaten?'
Pa said 'Am I sure? There's his cap!'

The manager had to be sent for.
He came and he said 'What's to do?'
Pa said 'Yon Lion's 'et Albert,'
And 'im in his Sunday clothes , too.'

Then Mother said, 'Right's right young feller;
I think it's a shame and a sin,
For a Lion to go and eat Albert,'
And after we've paid to come in.'

The manager wanted no trouble,
He took out his purse right away.
Saying 'How much to settle the matter?'
And Pa said 'What do you usually pay?'

But Mother had turned a bit awkward
When she thought where her Albert had gone.
She said 'No! someone's got to be summoned' -
So that was decided upon.

Then off they went to the p'lice Station,
In front of the Magistrate chap;
They told 'im what happened to Albert
And proved it by showing his cap.

The Magistrate gave his opinion
That no one was really to blame
And he said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms
Would have further son's to their name.

At that Mother got proper blazing,
'And thank you, sir, kindly.' said she
'What waste all our lives raising children
To feed ruddy Lions? Not Me!'

Answer 4

Easy! Go to Google and type in 'Yon Lions eaten our Albert'

Recorded by Stanley Holloway. Another gem is Noah's Ark. 'Three ha'pence a foot' should find it.

Answer 5

It is by Stanley Holloway. And begins
"Theres a famous seaside called blaclpool, that's noted for fresh
air and fun, And Mr & mrs ramsbottem went there with young
Albert, their Son"
Type this into your search engine and bobs yer uncle"
MONOLLOGUES BY STANLEY HOLLOWAY. Bon chance

Answer 6

in a book of Stanley Holloway monologues / on a cd of the same.

I have the book - but its too long to copy out & post here I think

Answer 7

THE LION AND ALBERT
by
Marriott Edgar

http://monologues.co.uk/Albert_and_the_Lion.htm

Answer 8

Names fairly are in undemanding terms reliable for soup. human beings attempt to label each and every of the time for my vogue opportunities of what i'm or look. My reasoning is that the term warm dogs is the very fact their served warm and with the condiments of your determination!

Answer 9

It was by Stanley Holloway and should be on some comedy collections - check Amazon

Answer 10

I know it is by Stanley Holloway...any use ?

Here you go, seek and you shall find.

http://www.tesco.com/Entertainment/product.aspx?R=636675