Telling a young child that Mummy's in Heaven?

Question

I'm a 23 year old single father of a 3 year old boy (soon to be 4). My Wife died after being hit by a drink driver when our son was a year old. I have told him mummy died (not in such a manner), and we gave her a star, which he says goodnight to before bed. I'm having trouble answering some of his recent questions, such as Why did mummy get taken away, Do we get another mom, Are you or me going to be taken away to, He's not upset while asking just curious, he asks them repetitavely, and my answers don't seem resolve his searching, i've told him what i think was approriate for his age, and didn't go into too much detail. Have i been doing the right thing or going about it the right way? Any information as to how to go about it better? IS it appropriate to be so candid (for lack of a better word) about death to a child of 3/4?

Answer 1

I am sorry for your loss.

Here is a website where it talks about a preschoolers age and explaining death of a loved one. I copied and pasted part of it.
http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/refcap/preschooler/praising/65688.html
How to explain death to your preschooler
Don't dodge her questions. It's normal for your preschooler to be curious about death, even if she hasn't yet lost a loved one. In fact, less emotionally fraught times are good opportunities for laying groundwork that will help your child cope when she does lose someone. Answer her questions about death, and don't be afraid to read stories about children whose pets or grandparents die.

Expect the subject to come up repeatedly. Be ready to field the same questions from your child over and over again, since understanding the permanence of death is a struggle for her. She's also likely to come up with new questions as her awareness of death and her cognitive skills grow, grief counselors say. Don't worry that you didn't explain the death adequately the first time — your child's ongoing questions are normal. Just keep answering them as patiently as you can.
Tread carefully when discussing God and heaven. Explanations of death and the afterlife will of course depend on your own religious beliefs. If the concepts of God and heaven will enter into your conversation, think carefully about what you'll say, since words meant to comfort a small child may actually confuse her. If you tell your preschooler, "Janie's happy now, because she's in heaven," for instance, she may worry: How can Janie really be happy if everyone around me is so sad? If you say, "Janie was so good that God wanted her with him," she's likely to think: If God wanted to take Janie, will he take me too? Should I be good so I can be with her in heaven, or bad so I can stay here with Mom and Dad? Something along the lines of, "We're so sad that Janie isn't here with us and we'll miss her very much, but it's comforting to know that she's with God now," will reassure your child without adding to her worries.
Give brief, simple answers. Young children can't handle too much information at once. At this age, it's most helpful to explain death in terms of physical functions that have ceased, rather than launching into a complicated discussion of a particular illness: "Now that Uncle John has died, his body has stopped working. He can't walk or run, or eat or sleep or see anymore, and he doesn't feel any pain." It's also important to help a preschooler understand basics such as who's going to take care of her. "She thinks, 'If Mom dies, who's going to give me my bath?' " says grief specialist Michael Towne.

Answer 2

oh wow what a tear jerker...
Try your best to explain that everyone's life is different some people will only have a dad and some will only have a mom and then there are the other kids that have both but that you will always be there for him.
I'm sure you will always try to make it known that his mom did not leave him because she wanted to and that there was nothing he could ever have done to change what happened. Tell him something that will make him okay with her being gone like....your mom was go great that God decided she should be an angel and he needed her to help him look after all the the little kids in the world especially you, she will always be looking after you from the stars....
Hope that helps some!
I really hope things get better for you!

Answer 3

Well I can tell you what my mom did for me... and maybe this will help you along.. I was 4 years old when my mom told me the truth about my father.. he died when i was 3.. so there is a bit of a difference there..but i can still remember asking her about him..about why he had to go and all that.. she just sat me down and told me that daddys body might not be here where we can see him but he is always watching over us making sure we are happy.. and that he will always be in our hearts so that he can live on with us... i hope this helps.. and i am so sorry for you had to lose your wife like that..

Answer 4

Am sorry for your loss what I would do with my kids. I have had them make her gifts. Get a cute box and let him make it any way he wants. Let him know that when the time is right and only God knows. You will have someone special that mommy sent to you.
This way he knows someone special will come some time. I would also get a photo book and let him make that for her. Later on he may give this to someone special. Let him know you and him have no plans of leaving each other. Make him feel secure the question will only build. Make her best foods and let him try them. Just a few ideas.

Answer 5

I think you've been going about it just fine. At this age its confusing that everyoone else has a mummy and he only has a daddy, I think it was good you told him the truth appropriate to his age, just don't lie or tell him fairy tales about death, that will become even more confusin for him later on. Although he probably does not remember her its still a form of sub concious greiving, just be there for him, and answers his quesions when he asks to the best of your abiliy don't toss the subject aside.

Answer 6

This is really tough and my heart goes out to you, Isabella, Imogen and Eden. The West's view of bereavement is confusing even for adults, never mind children, centuries of religious interference with this natural process for no real purpose have complicated it, leaving us all unclear about it. My view is probably the simplest one, one your children may find easier and I hope it helps. Death is part of the circle that we all go through birth, childhood, adulthood, old age and ultimately we die. All living things go through this circle, your children may identify it with flowers, pets, puppies, lambs, all new life, this eternal circle is what allowed your wife to bring them into the World and she lives on in them, they will go round this circle just like mummy did and bring new miracles into the World, in everything they do, do it as mummy would. Use a wheel or circle to illustrate this. Mummy's pain, suffering and illness are gone, she no longer hurts and would never want them to hurt, because now she is free from, it all in peace and wants you all to help each other get through this time of sadness, involve them in helping each other as an extension of what your wife would want, do it for mummy. Use this as a positive distraction away from the negative emotions of death, helping each other for mummy, empower Isabella with this to help the younger ones (and you) through though this sadness.

Answer 7

Answer as simply and truthfully as possible.

"Why did mummy get taken away?" ... "A man drank too much alcohol, got into his car and hit mummy's car and she died."

"Do we get another mom?" ... "I don't know. What do you think a good mom would be like?"

"Are you or me going to be taken away too?" ... "A long time from now, yes, isn't it nice to know mummy will be waiting for us?"

You can be candid, but remember to speak with hope and love. Also, just a footnote, don't use euphimisms like "mummy went to sleep", they get really strange ideas about things like that!

Good luck!

Answer 8

"Mummy is away and her spirit is watching over you and will always be with you. She is resting now. You won't see her but she still loves you."

Personally -- 4 is too young, I think. Wait until your child has had more socializing with kids his own age before discussing loss. He wouldn't even remember your wife anyway......so technically you could INDUCE trauma that wasn't there in the first place if you explain right now.....wait a year....

Answer 9

I am sorry for your loss! Sounds like your doing a real good job ,it is hard to explain these things to children but stay the way you have been with him.He will accept your answer sooner or later.It is really all in your faith your religion should guide you.

Answer 10

i think it is... I would just explain it to him... and tell him there is nothing to fear about it... and it must have happened for a good purpose... maybe she would have suffered a long time of something horrible like cancer later in life and God spared her that... or something

that is what i would tell him...

also if you are planning on finding a new mommy someday make sure he totally accepts her and that he knows she doesnt replace his mommy... but she will love him as much