my son was sexually abused but the police don't have enough evidence to prosecute.?

Question

He has gone through hell and I don't know how to tell him that the two guys who did it are not going to be prosicuted. He already has trouble sleeping and is depressed a lot of the time. He is now 17 and it happened when he was under 10. Anyone with any advice or experience?

My son has no reason to lie and he doesn't do drugs.

Answer 1

I'm really sorry about this. Usually it's harder to prove this kind of stuff when it happens to a guy. My step dad sexually abused me, except it was touching so it was his word against mine. There was no penetration or semen to prove that he had wronged me. The only reason it came out was because I told my friend who ended up telling the school counselor because she was worried. The police took my statement and she asked if I wanted to charge him. I said "yes" and she told me that I wouldn't need to go to court because all she needed was my statement. I guess he must have gotten charged because I overheard in family court that he was doing community service and that he got pyscologically assesed. He was considered low risk, but for a person who took university classes in psycology he probably knew how to answer questions the right way. It boggled my mind that they let him live in a house full of children. My mom had two girls with him and she also cared for three foster children. My social worker couldn't quite understand either why they were still living there, but she said it was probably because he was considered low risk and that the claims weren't against my mom. I ended up in foster care because my mom never wanted to see me again and she didn't want to believe it. I would even take a lie detector test but it is not considered evidence if it were to show I am telling the truth. The only other person that could possibly prove his guilt, would be my foster brother who was 5 at the time. I thought that if I kept my foster brother by my side that my step dad wouldn't try anything. I wrapped myself in a blanket and told the boy to sit beside me and not to leave my side no matter what. We were sitting, watching TV on the bed and my step dad came home. He came behind us and lay down. He was rubbing me as the little boys eyes were glued to the TV. He was rubbing my legs and reached into the blankets wrapped around me. He reached to my shorts and tugged at the crotch about to go in. I grabbed his hand and flung it away and started yelling and him as I was crying. The little boy got up and was watching me cry and he asked what was wrong and why I was crying. My step dad started to appologize and was trying to get my attention, I couldn't even look at him, he kept asking for forgivness and I kept ignoring him. My step dad asked for the little boy to leave because he wanted to talk tome in private. I told the boy not to go because there was nothing to say and he listened to me and gave me a hug. He pushed him away from me and kept asking me to forgive him. I told him not to ask me. I told him he should ask God for forgivness because I couldn't do that. He said "I can't live with myself unless I hear it from you". The boy was there, but I don't know if he understood what was going on. At the age of five he already had a very good memory of things that happened far before. I don't think they used him as a witness though, it wouldn't be fair to put that kind of pressure on a 5 year old boy who already had an unfair life. Later after the boy was gone my step dad told me that we could tell my mom, but I didn't want to tell it with him there. I was scared he would try to twist things around, so I said no. I tried to tell her myself, but he never let me be alone with her. I slipped a note to my brother telling him what happened and I asked him to tell my mom because my step dad wouldn't let me be alone with her. He was in shock and didn't do it. The next day as I was getting ready for school he said he would drive me and I told him I could walk. I told my brother I was scared to go and he said I would be fine. My step dad didn't drive me to school, instead he just drove around trying to talk to me and parked the car in a parking lot. He told me that he was going to leave the country in a year and told me not to say anything. When it all came out he denied everything and he never did leave the country. It's been over five years now and I lost everyone from that side of the family. If I had kept quiet I would still have my family, but who know what else he would have done. Even though I had asked to see my siblings, I never got to. My youngest sister doesn't even remember me. It's even harder with Christmas coming around the corner and seeing all the happy families getting together. I had to move on, there's nothing else that could be done. I always tell myself that it could be worse and that there are people who suffer worse. It's sad and sickening that this sort of thing happens all the time. I cannot fathom what is going on in these perverted peoples minds. All I can do is appreciate and love the people that I do have in my life. It's not easy to move on, you never completely get over it. I still get nightmares with him in them. I wake up with real tears rolling down my face, in my dreams I yell at him and I express all the pain he has caused me. I yell and say "you should be ashamed of yourself" but even in my dreams it doesn't phase him. It's because he probably has no soul. One day, I'll have my own familly and I'll always be there for them unlike my mother who turned her back on me. Recently I started talking to my brother, but we don't talk about the past. I know my mom believes me, but she just didn't know how to handle things. The justice system will fail us on earth, I just hope that there is a God and he will bring justice to what has been wronged. Karma will get the predators some way or another. You should take him to counselling, talking about what's bothering him will help. If you want you guys can e-mail me. I know my situation is different but I can be understanding.

Answer 2

That's a terrible thing what happend and i'm sorry to say but it doesn't shock me at all that the police can't help which is why there are still so many people like that out there.

Make sure your son realises that just becuase the guys wont be prosicuted doesn't mean that people don't believe him.

Sorry but i can't really offer any advice. I would have the 2 guys that did it shot but thats just my opinion.

Answer 3

That's terrible. I'm sorry to hear he's had to endure that, it makes you angry doesn't it?! As someone who's gone through a very similar thing myself the most important person right now is your son. After telling him what is happening you need to let him know that it is OK to get angry and that although it must be really difficult to talk about, it IS OK to talk about what is going through his head. Let him know that this isn't his fault - he has been so brave in coming forward in the first place ( took me 9 years!). If he needs to be alone, let him be alone. If he wants to shout and punch a wall or something, let him get it out of his system. Don't let him fester in repressed rage and get him to agree to therapy if you can, although ultimately this is his own choice. Even though the police say they don't have enough evidence to prosecute right now, because of your son's bravery in coming forward, it may encourage other victims to come forward to give more evidence so they CAN prosecute. Good luck, I hope this helps :)

Answer 4

If you aren't already I would take him to therapy. Seriously. Unfortunately the police cannot do anything if there is not enough evidence to arrest the person or persons that did this. It's angering and frustrating.

I do want to commend you on believing your son and doing what you can to help him so take it a step further and take him to someone that is trained to help people work through issues like this.

I was also molested at a young age and one of the best things I ever did for myself was seek some professional help.

Answer 5

Oh, feck suz, the only answer is private prosecution!
But if the CPS say no, this means not enough evidence, so your chances are are very slim! If you do go down this line it will cost, and if you lose the losses could be mean more than just financial damages!
You have to think of your son giving evidence etc!
Has he tried counselling or something?
I feel for you, but think long and hard about what you want to do and think of your boy's feelings, they will matter in the long run!
the other alternative, is to get someone to beat the dirty b@stards up and make sure they will not do this to some other poor kid again!
Revenge, they say, is sweet!

Answer 6

It isn't all about vengeance really. It is all about healing. So you will have to take him where he can find inner healing for what has happened to to him. Nothing these men did to him was his fault. It is too bad they are not going to be punished but many people get away with their crimes now days, this won't be the first time. The court proceedings would possibly make him feel worse anyway. Who knows. Your son need to see someone on a one to one bases, therapy and group after a while so he realizes he shares these feeling with others. Self esteem needs to be restored. Good luck. Seems like you have waited a long time to deal with this.

Answer 7

I'd suggest he finds a counsellor or therapist able to handle talking through sexual matters. One of the most important things is that he feels comfortable with the therapist. It will not matter whether the therapist is male or female, if they are good at their job they will have the skills to help.

If you google "BACP" to look for the British Association of Counsellors & Psychotherapists, or "ACC" to find the Association of Christian Counsellors, or go to the website www.tira.org to find the Traumatic Incident Reduction Association you should be able to find someone in your area who can help.

Answer 8

This is an absolutely heartbreaking situation.

My solution to that is not legal. Lets put it this way....they'd think twice before abusing anyone ever again. No I don't think violence is the answer but in this case, you've tried the right way to handle this and it hasn't turned out as it should have.

My heart goes out to you and your son.

Answer 9

Yes, make sure your son finds a personal, professional, and/or spiritual counselor to help heal the wounds on all levels. Sexual abuse transfers extremely injurious thoughts, energies, and feelings from the abusers to the victim. When the heart, mind, and spirit are all treated properly, you can contain or eliminate future repercussions, so please do not overlook any level where there are signs of continuing impact.

It usually takes a combination of professional therapy, such as psychiatrist or psychologist/psychotherapist, and I also recommend finding someone with a healing ministry who can pray for the spiritual effects to be healed. The best ones are Christian but not religious and will work with anyone who asks.

If you cannot find one near you, please contact Francis and Judith MacNutt to ask for a reference (he is a former priest and she is a licensed psychotherapist) http://www.christianhealingmin.org

Also, I believe that where the state fails, the church has a responsibility to redress its members. Do these men or their families have ANY connection to any local church or pastor?
Find the closest link, even if a close friend or cousin or anybody who knows these men, who has a loyal relationship to a pastor or church. Ask them to intercede to heal this breach, since your son is suffering unjustly for the actions of others.

Please remember there is no shame that your son bears in this. If he feels ugly thoughts and feelings, please remind him that is the shame and guilt of the two men who abused him to dump their shame on him. Please do not accept to carry it, but ask the church for help to give it back to where it came from.

Thank you for giving your son all the love and support he needs to heal of this atrocious injury. He is like the sacrifical lamb, and may he and you receive comfort and healing from this, no matter how much time it takes. All that anger and hell does not belong to you, but came from others, so give it up to God or the source. If your thoughts keep coming back to those two men, the burden is still staying with you, so please ask help of church members to take it away in prayer. Please seek all the spiritual or personal counseling it takes to let all those thoughts and feelings go back to where they came, so you and your son do not carry this burden which is not yours to bear.

For more on spiritual healing and the healing of memories, I recommend the book "Healing" by Francis MacNutt (edition 2000 or later). This books presents the best explanation of the different levels and steps to healing the mind heart and soul.

P.S. My friend with a healing ministry helped pray with my godmother to stop her night terrors due to withdrawal from sleep medications. Where medicine failed, healing prayers was the only thing that brought her peace so she could sleep again.
If you cannot find a local healing ministry, would you please call my friend? Her number is posted online at http://www.houstonprogressive.org/nothanku.html

Some people who use healing prayer in their spiritual treatment report instant deliverance and permanent cure, while others show gradual improvement over time with regular treatment; but all people tend to respond positively to some degree. I plan to help study and document the effects of healing prayer because I believe it will change the medical and mental health system.

Answer 10

I am really sorry to you and ur son for whats happened, and i know there are probably support groups for both you and ur son , and some are set out below, they are phone numbers from mind. Perhaps try counselling for your son, as others have suggested. It might help him. Good luck.

Answer 11

nope sorry cant help on that but i can say get him and afew of his mates or ppl u know that will do this but do something wrong so u get a chase of the police and lead them down an alley way or anywere were not many ppl go and then just beat the **** out of the police trust me this is so easy to do as iv done it coz the police take the piss and i cant tell u how much i enjoyed it!!!!!goodluck anyway...