Hey everyone serious only please.My mum was a prostitute when I was growing up.Now reformed.How can I deal?

Question

I was brought up by an alcoholic prostitute.I was often left for weeks at a time, family knew but turned a blind eye. I had to survive. I learnt pretty quick. I'm now 30, with 2 kids, work full time, very happy with my man. My 'mum' now wants to make it up to me. I have contact with her cos of my kids. Apparently, she saved her earnings, has lovely home, fab car, villa in Spain. I hate her soooo much. Crying right now. I know I need counselling, have no time. How do I get counselling? Where? I have younger sisters who had a totally different life.They think she is fantastic.I wish she was dead. I saw way too much, way too young for me to forgive her. She wants day to day contact with me. Am I wrong to shun her? Family tell me I should give her another chance. I can't forget, my God I wish I could. They are making me feel like I'm the one with the problem. My fella says I should forget she exists but, you only have one mum and all that. I don't want my kids not knowing their nan.

Answer 1

Hi there,
I'm probably putting my neck on the block here but; I understand totally how you feel. I was brought up in similar circumstances. Except it wasn't prostitution & alcohol it was prostitution & drugs.

This is the only way I finally came to deal with all the stuff that went on in my life too.

Up until I was about 35 I sat as the proverbial judge over my Mother, I then realised that I either get to know the Woman she is NOW & get to like her for that or forget all about her. There was no way on this earth that I was ever going to warm to the Woman she was as I grew up.

You clearly still care as you're saying you hate her, that's anger & you have a right to feel that. If she's not Woman enough to allow you to air all your feelings to her (even though she'll hate every minute of it) then I think it's a non-starter. It's important that you try to talk to her about your upbringing because it's not going to go away. I'm not saying by talking to her is going to make things better over night, but! as time goes on & perhaps you can see a way of maybe understanding what made her tick then things can slowly over time build up.

You may decide after all that having a relationship with your Mother isn't viable but you won't be able to make that decision without first attempting to see if things can be worked through. It's a difficult place for you to be right now & I don't envy you one bit (sorry)

I would often look at my Children & wonder how my Mother could be so uncaring & selfish, as I could never do the things to my Children that my Mother did to me (allowing me to see & hear things that no Child from the age of 4 should ever be witness to)
Strangely enough I didn't really think about the way my Mother had behaved until I became a Mother myself.
But! I've learned that I am not my Mother & I don't think the same way as my Mother.

It's not you that caused all this resentment & anger that you have going on inside of yourself. But! Unfortunately it is only you that can find the way of somehow dealing with it.

I couldn't talk to my Mother about my past as she would get very defensive & her cut throat answer was to call me a spiteful cow who was only on this earth to make her feel guilty. Obviously my Mother could deal with the past even less than I could.

If your Mother is agreeable to you airing the past then try to be careful that you do it with respect otherwise it can turn into a "who's the biggest bi.tch" competition & nothing positive will be achieved. This is where a councillor could come in useful. It may be better that someone else (NOT a family member or friend) is in the room & you could talk to them instead while your Mother listened. That way it's not too confrontational. If you go & see your G.P. they will be able to set up an appointment for you to see someone. Unfortunately the NHS (assuming you're in UK) is over worked so an appointment could be a long time coming. You could get a private councillor, they don't always cost a lot of money & there are some around that will charge according to your earnings. Having said that; you say your Mother has saved her earnings, well! You can always see if she's prepared to foot the bill that any counselling would incur. That would go a long way in showing you just how far she's prepared to go in order to make things better between you both.

I think on a positive note; that things have a good chance of perhaps working out for both you & your Mother, because she has been the one to offer the olive branch (so to speak) I think that takes a lot of guts & for that alone plus to finally put all these ghosts in your life to rest, you should reach out in return. Don’t listen to others advice about “forgiving” your Mother, this will happen when you can finally (one way or the other) move on with your life. It’s not something that can be forced. Your Partner isn’t emotionally involved with your Mother & seeing you hurting like this, hurts him also, his only & practical way of dealing with the problem is to get rid of it. I can’t blame him for that but life isn’t that simple.

On a final note; my Mother & I didn’t get things off of the ground & I (through choice) don’t have contact with her. Although I’ve learned to deal with things & just let them go I know I will all my life wish that the past events could have somehow been resolved. I’ve learned that to forgive is to not want to get even.

I wish you the best of luck, this isn’t going to be easy.

Answer 2

Regarding the prostitution, your mother was probably doing what she felt was the best way for her to make money at the time. She was addicted to alcohol as well.

From what you say i imagine that you can into contact with some of the not very nice aspects of her work. I agree with the others that counselling would be a way for you to work through all your feelings, and get it all off your chest. I'm sure your doctor has an obligation to help you find counselling.

Your mother is still your mother. I can't see how you can forget she exists. Your children would eventually ask about their grandmother anyway. Children always want to know their roots.

I do hope you can get counselling and feel better about this, i really do.

God bless!

Answer 3

That's a hard question to answer ,
and to give advice?well I'll give it a try.
This is how I look at things when I find myself hating how my life was when I was growing up ,well Put it this way you can forgive but you don't have to forget.
you need to let your mother know how you feel and the ruff times you had and if everyone else thinks your wrong let them walk a mile in your shoes,than they can see how forgiving and trusting someone who in the past has done nothing but let you down and failed you...
But if deep down in your soul you have this feeling that you want to know your mother and you want her to be part of your life than you should at least give it a try.(..because if tomorrow never comes)? what would you of wish for ?as for your sister she had a better life she should be more concerned about you.
It takes a better person to forgive and move on...And for counseling?there are all kinds of help out there,look in your phone book in the front of it where you get info on housing,adult self help..also clinics have free counseling for people with low incomes some places even free.....

Answer 4

To get counselling you can go to your doctor, you don't necessarily have to tell him why, just explain your feelings. Well done for getting on with your life and making yourself a somebody. I think before your kids get involoved i think you 2 should sort yourselves out first. Life is full of "what ifs" so give it a chance. Seek the truth from amongst all the lies you can see. Your children will ask many questions and pick up on your feelings, through no fault of your own. They will feel the resentment and pain inside. You must sort out yourself first. It will take time but it wil be worth it.

All the best (i've been through therapy and it works, the only miracles are those that you make happen)

xxxxxxxxxxx

Answer 5

I think you need to make yourself go to counselling, make time for it, without it you won't learn how to cope properly. Then when you do that, if your mum really wants to make it up to you she can join in on your counselling sessions and you can work through it together.

As for your sisters, it sounds to me that they were even younger than you were when all this was going on so they wouldn't know what you went through.

The rest of your family...of course its easy for them to say give her another chance, they turned a blind eye!.

Don't let anyone force you to have a normal relationship with your mum until you are ready and you are sure that is what you want.

Tell your mum exactly how you feel and tell her that you need time to get your head sorted, she will understand.

Put yourself first, get counselling and then work from there.

Good luck.

Answer 6

Wow all I can say right now is Congratulations, alhamdulillah and I'm very proud of you :) I think if they didn't care about religions in the past and they were never that religious and also about you getting drunk then they shouldn't care if you wanna become Muslim i mean if they didn't really enforced or embedded any religious beliefs in you then why do they care if you're muslim or not, it shouldn't matter to them. I wanted to say some more stuff but I'm so tired right now lol but in Islam you'll also have to respect and be nice to your parents cause jannah is under our parents feet meaning you can't upset them but just hang in there they'll see how you're improving as a person and they'll eventually accept you inshallah :)

Answer 7

To get counselling go and see your GP. I think you need to stop worrying about what other members of your family think. You have clearly been very hurt by your upbringing, and you need to do whats right for you. You cannot change your past but you need to accept it and move on. Only you can decide whether moving on means forgiving your mum, keeping your distance or having nothing to do with her at all. But you really do need to talk to someone outside of the situation to be able to make that decision.

Good luck!

Answer 8

You know I can see your in alot of pain,and what your mom did was pretty bad, but the person you are today is what matters, what you do for your family is what is important now,you should forgive your mom, so that you can go on with your life, your so bitter about what she's done to you, that your not a happy person,you want your children you have a happy, loving, and forgiving mom, you need to take the first step towards your healing process and forgive her, not for her, but do it for you, you will be a much happier person if you do, good luck

Answer 9

To get counselling you go to your doc and tell him that your past is interupting your abilityto live day to day, and you are finding it hard to cope.
He should be able to arrange it.
You have to be able to trust your counsellor and have a good rapport with them.
This will take time, but your mum must have had lots of problems herself to have led such a self destructive life. Its unfortunate you were caught up in the middle.
In the meantime, you could try to make a list of why you want to see your mum and another list of why you don't. This may help you with a decision until such time that you get your counselling.

Answer 10

Its so bad that you had to go through this at so young and no one was there for you. It must hurt like hell just now and feel like everybody is taking her side for turning her life around - dont let her jump back in to being your mum but let your kids carry on seeing her. take things slowly and if it doesnt feel right then just let her see your kids but you dont have to have a mother - daughter relationship with her.

You have done so well not having any guidance in your life and it sounds like you are a really good mother and all round person!! You havent let the bitterness control your life. well done