Is it wrong not to love my mother?

Question

I mean its not like I got to choose her for my mother..and believe me if only I had a choice! She acts as though every time I have a thought or feeling that differs from her own that I am doing her a great injustice and being ungrateful for the privilege of being her daughter. I have never been made to feel that I am allowed to have an opinion that differs from hers..and I am only just coming to grips with how that has screwed me up. We had a huge fight yesterday and I said that I thought we should stay away from each other for a while cause I was tired of upsetting her all the time. She said that was fine by her and that I could contact her "when you feel like talking to your mother"..like I'm the cause of our problems! I cant see a time when I ever will *want* to talk to her again. The only thing that will cause me to talk to her again is the feeling that I am duty bound to do so. But to do so is to disrespect my feelings and to make her appear like she is in the right. What to do?

I never said I hated my mother, I just said I didnt love her...perhaps I should have said I dont like her...although like/love I'm not sure I can separate the two. I do however respect what she has done for me. But I am angry at her for blaming me for all our problems...I have a right to feel, think and act in a way that differs to her dont I? I am 26 years old and I have lived out of home for 5 years. Nothing I do is good enough for her. Oh...and I am also seeing a shrink...it is me trying to psychologically detach from my mother that seems to be causing tension. I am tired of feeling like how I feel only matters if it is 'right' in her eyes.

Answer 1

LOVE is not based on "duty", "family relationships", "proximity", or anything other than true affection to those who are helpful, nourishing and put others before themselves. They are the people that help us grow and prosper, not those who put us down and doubt our abilities - Reserve Love for those who help us grow, become self-reliant, teach by example, and leave no doubt that they truly care about us.

To show respect is NOT anything remotely approaching LOVE. EXAMPLE - I respect my elders, but it doesn't mean that I love them. I respect what Henry Ford was able to accomplish, but I don't love him. I respect thomas edison and all that he invented, but I don't love him. I respect my mother because she gave me life, but I don't love her.

This is a tough question and I hope I helped a little. - But remember, you are NOT "duty-bound" to love anyone - only those who respect you and "go the extra mile" to help you on your way through life.

Answer 2

No matter how unfair your mother is to you, you still love her right? because when it comes down to it, you just hate everything about her, what she says to you, how she acts around you, and just her whole attitude towards you but you still love her. I wonder why she is wound up so tight, why is she so quick to judge you, and so quick to contend with you, her daughter? you've got to start thinking that she might be soooo stressed about some other matter that that could be the reason why you and your mum clash. I've found even with myself that i often clash with my mum, we fight and argue often, but there are times where we just get along soooo well, but those times when we do argue, i just feel like moving out and finding my own place. Because we are together so often, we DO clash, so the answer is not to move out as such but in your case it sounds to me that you do need a break from your mother, so try and find a time where you can get away, whether it is by yourself or with some mates, it doesn't matter but getting away for a while can be just the answer for you, and also perhaps for your mother as well. While you are away, she may just realise how much she appreciates you being around, when you come back from your little breather, hopefully the gap of being seperate from eachother will bring you closer together. I wish you the very best of luck! =)

Answer 3

I know how you've feel. I've been there and done that with my mom. What I've come to realize is that I'll never be able to change how she thinks and that because she IS my mother, I need to try to deal with it. What I do is when we have a fight over differences of opinion, I just let her stay what she thinks and go with it. It's of no use to argue with her because you know she won't accept the way you think. Let the topic move on and let it go. You know what you think and that is all that matters. If you do have a tizzy, let it happen. My mom gets mad at me at times when I don't do exactly what she wants me to do when she wants me to do it. She'll hang up on me. Instead of trying to argue with her, I'm like, Oh, Well. She gets over it in a day or so, and she'll pretend nothing has happened. I just let her do that so it's saves from more arguing. Again, would I let anyone else do this, hell no, but you've got to look at it that it is your mother and you've got to learn to just deal with it. It's interesting now because my mom is now learning that maybe being so overbearing only drives the need for me to distance myself from her. She's admitted that recently.

So again, just let her issues wash over you, don't try to talk with her with things you know you can't change about her and try to find some space you can have some kind of mother-daughter relationship. That way, she can't ever say you didn't try.

Hope this helps.
Jen

Answer 4

Wow, you could be decribing my mother and me exactly, except that I'm much older. I usually get along very well with mine as long as I don't disagree with her ideas of what is right or what she wants. Sounds like you need breathing space right now. Just be civil and respectful of her,she won't be around forever. Oh, and who told you that you had to like the things she does or her opinions? Whatever you do leave on good terms when you plan on taking your space. That way you will not feel regretful. Then go enjoy your life,maybe drop a postcard from time to time to let her know your'e alive and well.

Answer 5

does she take care of you otherwise?? is she trying to be a good mother?? my mom could easily have given up on us, but she did what she could and for that I owe her love and respect. you both sound strong opinioned and won't always see eye to eye. Stay away from things you know will cause conflict. Experience is a great teacher and sometimes she will be in the right (sometimes not). Either way, she's your mom. I am sure she loves you. you love her too, so keep trying. Good luck. lol.

Answer 6

Right or wrong, you must always honor your mother and father. First of all, no, you didn't ask to be born to your mother, but, she carried you for 9 months, and then, fed you, bathed you and dressed you to get you up to where your at right now.

My mom and I are not close, but I still love her. You see, parents are funny animals. they like to share their knowledge with their kids in hopes they don't make the same mistakes they made growing up. If your mom tells you something, or makes a suggestion, I bet if she took the time, she would tell you she had an experience like that and the outcome was bad.

I have a son and do the same thing. He knows that if I tell him the stove is hot, he don't have to walk up and touch it, get burned, to realize dad told him the truth.

Your mother is doing the same, in her own way. She don't want you to get burned in life and is trying to pass to you, the knowledge to make a life for yourself. In years to come, you will do the same thing for your kids, its a natural instinct when you are a mother or a father.

Answer 7

I think its ok to hate your mother. There are many different reasons to sometimes. No one can tell you how to feel. Thats your choice to make. I hate my mother for many reasons. I stay in contact with her when i need to say hello or something. I have respect for her, even though she doesn't deserve it. But she is my mother and i have to. And even though your seem to be very mad at her right now. You'll get over and realize she is what she is. Everyone has opinions , just as everyone has ........

Answer 8

i didnt talk to my mother for years after my dad gained custody of me. she was then a drug and alcohol abuser and was a great influence on me. after moving with my dad, i realized how much danger she put me through and how much my life would be deprived of a decent lifestyle. i went 7 years without talking to her in a civilized manner. we always argued over the phone, or face to face and it got physical at one point. i decided that i just needed to temporarily forget about her and worry about what is best for me and my future. i concentrated on school and what i needed to do to get to college. i set my mind frame so that i was working towards success inlife, which i thought she would never have.

im almost 22 now and ive recently started talking to my mom since last yr nov. and now that im much older and mature, i can understand the dynamics of our relationship and how it got that way and i could take back all the mean things ive said and done, but i wont. what i did was necessary then and it might not have been the best decisions ever, but it helped build me and get me here where i am today.

we never really talked about the past and ever said sorry to each other. it was easier to make amends and move forward with a whole new outlook which is just getting to know each other as different people now. she's be clean for years, and i started my own family. one day i might talk about the hurt and the past, maybe i wont. but i know that i can handle and deal with it with her.

you have to make your own decisions based on what you think might be best for you and grow on it, learn from it, live it. you cant expect something to happen if you do not put action into it. be smart, and be true to yourself.

Answer 9

In your case I don't think it is right to hate your mother! Trust me your mom just wants the best for you! Your mother doesn't sound half as bad as mine! Mine was abusive in a mental and physical way! She treated me like dirt and I swear I was only in her life so she could take her hate of everyone else off on me!

If your wondering I hate my mother and always will! I am sad I never got to do mother/daughter stuff with my mom and that she never let me even talk to her like your mom actually lets you do! Be thankful that you have her and one day you will love her for caring and listening!

Answer 10

just by asking this question i think that you love your mother, but you just don't like her. But that's ok not to like her. Both of you are human. It sounds like mom has her own issues, but is taking them out on you.

I would suggest calling her weekly, to say hello, and see how she is doing, but try to keep the conversations short and sweet.

But first and foremost, be true to yourself. If you don't think you can talk to your mother, then give it time. Do what you feel. The answer will come to you when the time is right

Answer 11

Yes it is wrong not to love your mother.
According to the bible, you are to love your enemies... (Render help\care when in distress)
However you don't have to take their trashy behavior nor do you have to like them.

I highly recommend you put up with your mother until you can care for yourself.
This world is full of love, and I guarantee you that you will find love if you continue to give out love regardless of how people treat you. It is hard to do and sounds easy, but in time you will be a happier and forgiving person while your mother will be filled with guilty feelings.