Should I stay or should I go?

Question

I have been married to my wife for 13 years and I can no longer accept her addiction to alcohol.
Psychotherapy-refused treatment.
Pharmacotherapy-receiving 300+mg cocktail of different drugs every day.
I have attempted to talk to her about her problem but she keeps getting drunk every week, drinking about 1 75cl bottle of spirits in one session. By the way, she has OCD too. Should I cut her loose? Or am I being cruel to somebody I still love? I am only 43 and am frightened that the rest of my life will be wasted looking after her.

Answer 1

I have no idea what your situation is like.
From what I have read you are already trying everything you can possibly do. Its a question of time how long are you willing to continue with this? I dont mean to sound cold there but thats the bottom line in a way. She hasnt been to threapy yet but she may never go. Try everything you can first , every possible thing imagine how you would feel if you left her and later found out she did thouse things because she was abused as a child or somthing terrible. Again I cant imagine how this makes you feel but a marriage is always worth fighting for. When the time comes and you feel you cant be with her anymore im sure you wont need to ask anyone there opinion you would just know.

Answer 2

I agree with "Dr. David". Many women (and men) have problems like these because something has happened to them as a child or even a little later in life. Most people drink to escape something.

It's a tough call. Letting things stay status-quo can be a little enabling. Sometimes it's actually cruel to be kind. Are there other people around that could help you with something like an intervention? This way she hears that many people love her and want her to get better but they can no longer accept her choice to remain dependent on alcohol.

If there is a way you can get her into a rehab program (involuntarily if you have to) it might be your only chance. If that doesn't work you might be able to say to yourself that you have done all you can.

I would also suggest doing something that my mom did when she couldn't get my dad to stop drinking. She went to Alanon for family and friends of alcoholics and she found a lot of support and strength there.

Good luck to you.

Answer 3

I'd suggest one last chance, tell her you're leaving her for a set amount of time during which she needs to sort herself out. Tell her you will still support her as a friend but you will not continue living with her or being a husband to her. If when your time-limit is up she still has done nothing to get help i think you need to leave. If you are sure you've done everything you can to help her then its comes down to that old saying 'you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink' (no pun intended). You can't put your whole life on hold. However, i don't know all the ins and outs of your situation so maybe a councellor would be better. You can see relationship guidance alone or as a couple.

Answer 4

I'm going through the same thing with a dear friend of mine. She had stopped drinking after collapsing from cardiac arrest and having a stroke last year-but she's started up again with a vengeance. I've tried to talk to her,used scare tactics-and I've since told her that as long as she's drinking I can't be around her-and I definitely won't allow my daughter around her. (Which is sad as my daughter thinks of her as her aunt.) Thing is,if you leave your wife,her drinking will probably get worse. You're in an extremely tough predicament,and I do sympathise as I know how stressed and upset this is making you. All I can suggest is when she does bring home alcohol,physically take it away from her. Sit her down and tell her in no uncertain terms that you can't live with her drinking,and if she doesn't get help and stop drinking you'll have no choice but to leave. Hopefully that will shock her into getting help. Good luck.

Answer 5

We cannot make decisions for anyone else, nor can we control anything or anyone other than ourselves. However, you may be able to check her into rehab yourself. She needs to get dry before she can make any clear and rational decisions. Once she's clean, perhaps the two of you may be able to communicate. At that time, you can make your decision.

On the other hand, you know her better than anyone here. Is she relying on the fact that you are still there helping her? Does she see this as you always being there no matter what? If you were to leave her, would that make her stop drinking?

Just some thoughts for you to ponder. Please, listen to some advice, but follow your own guidance. Best regards to you and your wife.

Answer 6

Alcolhol ruins families and I should know - both my parents were alcoholics. I always resented them for this, but what you have got to remember is that it is an illness and they need help. Having said that they can only be helped if they want to be. Your wife is also making your life a misery. There comes a point when your own mental health will suffer. Try and get her as much help and advice as you can, but the decision to leave is up to you. If there are children involved they will also be suffering. I wish you all the very best.

Answer 7

Living with a addictive and mentally ill person is hard. I know that you love her, but how do you think she would react if you left her? The other question I have for you is, do you have children, because do you want them left in her care while she is drunk and you aren't there. I believe that you should talk to a professional person about this situation. I am sure people in AA have heard similiar stories. Good luck with everything!

Answer 8

I feel that your wife may have a deep rooted problem from her past, that she is trying to keep from you.

She may be holding this back to avoid hurting or loosing you.

Please try again to talk things over, but be patient, it can be difficult for someone to discuss bad things that have happened in the past.

Seek advice from your doctor, and make an appointment, but try and visit together, so you can discuss things openly and honestly together.

Things may come to light that you may not wish to know, but stay with her, and give her love and support.

I do hope you can sort out your problem, and I wish you all the best for the future.

Answer 9

Hi,i know that's a hard issue to deal with on a daily basis, sure that you love your wife very much ,13 years of marriage , its not common in these days, about now you have reach your (i cant take it anymore ) point. do you have children ?
if you do then you need to be there for them,, if not then you need to really think about what you want to do, you cant be living a unhappy life , if you know for a fact that your wife doesn't want to help herself and stop her addition ,well then its a sorry to say, but you really need to do something ,, your marriage is not healthy ,you need to do what is best for both.
i am sure that if your not suffering with depression, you will be very soon and that's not good , you can love someone and still cant live with them that's OK ,, you cant spend the rest of your life helping her when she doesn't want to help herself,, your not being a bit cruel to your wife if you where to move on and don't think that for one second,, you have tried over and over again talking to her and nothing that you have ever tried work. sure that you love your wife,but you need to do what you believe in your heart is best for both.
i hope that everything works out well for you.
good luck
Leena

Answer 10

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