How much do you spend on unruly older stepdaughter at Christmas?

Question

She is 18 and does not live with us because she moved out after we refused to accept her dropping out of high school. She will call or come around when she needs something, but other than that, she is jumping from relative to older friends to relatives homes. It's so disappointing and sad. The bio mom is not concerned with her behavior. Anyway, back to my question - What should we get her for Christmas? My friend suggested a certificate for the cost of her taking her GED, but I want other responses.

Thank you for the suggestions/criticisms. Let me say that she left her/our home because of our #1 rule (stay in school). How is that bad parenting? Besides what people think or assume, we are good parents and we have a good relationship. We will always have an open door for her return. We've offered to pay for the GED and college as we pay for other items right now. It was a friend's suggestion, just like the suggestions offered here to include an amount of money for the GED. Basically, my question still stands at: how much to spend at christmas for an 18 y/o?

Answer 1

VERY good idea but paying for her to get a GED will be a waste of your time and money. That is not what she wants to do right now. The bio mother and father are not concerned so neither should you. They should be the ones pushing her to get her education. Unless she asks you to do this for her, she will resent YOU and not appreciate the gift. You should give her a normal Christmas present or a gift certificate for necessary items like food, clothes, ged books, morning after pills. ; ) *kidding*

Just give her a card with money in it, Im sure that will be helpful.

Answer 2

I wouldn't spend anything, she is way pass that Christmas gift age. Since she is moved out, your gift to her is a home cooked meal. I would try to embrace her though, it is the holidays, suicide and car accidents are the leading causes of death this time of year. And since she is being seen as a failure she may become depressed if you treat her like that when she drops by for a visit. The GED certificate is a idea, but I think you should wait, I am not her and I don't know how she feels, but I think that it could be taken in offense, and that's the last thing you want. You don't want to push her away, she needs support, through that you can reach her. Good Luck

Answer 3

Continue to be giving. It doesn't matter if she is 18 or 88. However, due to her problematic background, I would get her a gift directly related to here emotional and spiritual needs (the academic needs should follow) Possibly giving her the GED certificate your friend suggested might do more harm that good during the holidays...
Some suggestions:
a journal to document her problems... aspirations... etc.,
candles to represent the light you will always have lit to lead her back home, an opportunity to audit a real college course to see if she may want to persue a degree one day, or maybe a chance to take part in local acting, film, dance, art, mentoring, or business classes that speak to her desires as an individual. She may possibly come around to the realization that she must finish her GED in order to live in such a challanging and unforgiving world.
If you disguise the gift or choose a gift that represents your feelings for her and her needs, she will be better suited to take the gift to heart. Do not get her a gift that will feed into her selfishness and her rebellion. Although she is an adult, dropping out of highschool not only shows disrespect to herself and her future, but disrespect to you. She sees that she can't make it in the world by her own will, so she constantly seeks the help from you and other family members to keep her alive and kicking. Give in direct relation to her will and her aspirations. She needs to be built up in these areas first. Do not continue to dance in this co-dependency tango. Start curtailing your monetary help to a degree. She should not keep running to you whenever she needs something. This only breeds more selfishness and ultimately resentment on both sides. Still give the GED certificate, but at a time when you know she is ready for it. And please ignore those who say not to get her anything. Follow your heart and continue to give, just do it with consideration and with love.

Happy Holidays and many blessings!

Answer 4

Sounds a lot like me when I was 18! I just wanted to be myself. I was a good kid, I didn't smoke, have sex or anything. I was an honor student in fact and a cheerleader. I rebelled because my parents were too strict and untrusting for no reason!!! So don't be so hard on her....I do agree that she should have finished school though! There is nothing more important than an education. Sometimes we have to forgive, forget and move on. Now the gift. I would consider getting her the certificate but it may just irritate an already delicate situation. Seeing that she is in such a difficult situation and if she is responsible maybe just simply get her one of those Visa/Master Card gift cards.

Answer 5

I ask you this ... How much value is she worth to YOU!! I am not talking monetary value , I am talking emotional support.. I see this case and I see where its gonna go..
Real life scenario..
real mom doesn't care
sounds like dad doesn't either
well you ,of course not.
end result
as you put it unruly older stepdaughter
The fact that you called her your step daughter leads me to believe that you are not interested in her either..
Why not pay for the GED and get her a gift of love ..hmmm there's a thought Step mom.......
Don't blame the child .... Blame the parents ..This is gonna take more help than just wanting to know what kinda gift to get her..
This is a therapy case and I feel for the girl,, Cuz she is getting the crap....her parents are separated and step mom seems distant too,,,, Lovely.. I think I would have left too...

yes yes poor poor parents .. having to DEAL with such a child.
She may be 18 but she is not a woman she is a child still..

So I say this
GROW UP PARENTS AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.. YOU wanted the man now accept his children too,,,,,that means good/bad and the ugly....

Answer 6

Christmas is a time for love, not redemption, and especially not a time to give her a slap on the back by offering to pay for the cost to get her GED. It is not a holiday to try and be political by offering her something like that.

18 year olds can be incredibly stubborn, and she's not going to come around if she knows you're going to rub it in her face when she finally asks for help to get back on track. Just try your best to kill her with kindness without being taken advantage of. Welcome her to your home for a Christmas dinner and don't mention her dropping out the entire day. It is a family holiday that should be celebrated without fighting. I feel it is a good time to put things behind you and focus on just being together for the holiday.

I would personally just treat her with warmth for the whole day, let her know that you and your husband still love her and that you are always open to talk to if she has anything to say.

Eventually, she may come around.

Examples of gifts would be simple but sweet - clothes, movies, etc.

Answer 7

She didn't live up to your expectations, so she is unruly? Her bio mom isn't concerned with her behavior, exactly what behavior? Does she do drugs or break the law?

That she has to jump from home to home isn't the saddest part, the saddest is that you forced her to have to. Did you ever ask why she dropped out of school?

To answer the question, you buy her whatever you would have bought her a year ago if she hadn't so disappointed you. Christmas is a time for love, not a time to say, "hey, you screwed up, here is a gift certificate to fix your mess".

Answer 8

I would get her somewhere in the equivalent of whatever you give your other kids. The idea of only getting presents if you are good is for people who still believe in Santa Claus (which I assume you don't since you know you have to be the one to buy her presents). At this point she needs your unconditional love and while presents aren't love, if you deliberately don't get her presents because you're trying to punish her for misbehaving that will be like withholding love. If anybody is going to help her get her life back together it should be you. I like the gift certificate for the GED but don't schedule the test for her- let her schedule it when she feels ready. But I would also get her a few other little things that are more fun.

Answer 9

"christmas is for children. you are 18 and a legal adult who wants to be treated as one. you don't get gifts any more. have a nice day. are you staying for dinner?"
if she was a child living at home and not an 18 year old running the streets she would have gifts under the tree.

been there , done that with my stepdaughters. i spent around $300 on her with grocery gift certificates (so she wouldn't starve) and gas card and things. everything was lost or stolen. a total waste of my money. she hasn't gotten a gift from me since. (except for the 'here and there' things through out the year)

Answer 10

i say get her something like a basket of little things one needs when they are on there own like several different things that she likes and may need being on her own. Like shampoo, makeup perfume etc things she uses daily. Just have fun with it. Also, give her a coupon in there to come home if she agrees to get her GED