Is it appropriate to give a religious-themed birthday card to a recipient of another faith?

Question

My grandmother always sends me religious-themed birthday cards, knowing that I am of a different faith than she is. I appreciate her thoughtfulness but am hurt by her obvious disregard for me and my choices.

I can't talk to her about it because she's very manipulative and blow everything out of proportion, make me feel extremely guilty and then go tell the rest of the extended family (700+ people) about it.

I am considering "accidentally" sending her a religious greeting card (for people of my religion) for her birthday, but feel this may start a quarrel. Is there proper etiquette for this situation and if so, what is it?

There are lots of good answers and sage advice here! However, there are two points I'd like to clarify:

1) Just because I feel hurt and angry at grandma doesn't mean that I don't love her or appreciate that she thinks of me! If I didn't care about her and her feelings, I wouldn't seek a public consensus or take time to cool down before (and if) talking to her about this.

2) I left our respective religions out on purpose to remove as much bias as possible. I didn't want people "taking sides" based on a preference for beliefs. I learned that lesson the hard way when I asked my mother (sides with Grandma--same religion) and my husband (sides with me, dislikes that religion) about this issue. They both have an agenda, and who wouldn't? Religion's a touchy issue that affects everyone, no matter how objective they try to be. I wanted to keep this a matter of etiquette, not religion.

When I first wrote this question, I had no idea that it would generate over 200 answers! (Picking a best one out of so many good ones is going to be difficult.) Most of these have been very helpful, but a few (and it's a very small few - less than 10 - thank goodness!) have been downright awful, but I knew I was taking that risk when I posted, so it's no biggie. I'm no stranger to cruel people.

For those who have said I'm petty and must be a teenager, my age is clearly listed on my profile. Do not mistake a strong view on a seemingly trite thing for pettiness or immaturity. There are complex interpersonal dynamics at the heart of this matter; the card issue is merely the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back".

For those that have similar tales to tell, I am glad that I am not alone. I thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart.

Answer 1

Proper etiquette...In this situation you really need to take a good look at things, and view the conditions from as many perspectives as possible. You must carefully consider the possible outcomes. You should respect her beliefs, whether she chooses to respect yours or not. Love and respect her for who she is as a person, irrespective of her faith. By sending her a religious greeting card for the people of your religion would only result in your stooping down to her level. Be the mature adult here, and don't let her disregard bother you, and just be accepting and respectful of her beliefs, whether you agree with those beliefs or not.

You're absolutely right, this should not be a matter of religeous differences, but a matter of etiquette, or, moreover, religous etiquette.

Is it possible for you and your husband to calmly speak with your grandmother about these differences, and tell her you feel hurt by her unacceptance? You're her grandchild after all, should she not accept you for who you are, irrespective of your beliefs?

As long as you are comfortable with who you are, strongly believe in what you believe, and accept your grandmother for who she is, there's no reason her improper etiquette should bother you. I realize this is easier said than done.

I wish you well in this, and I believe that talking things out with your grandmother would be the best way to go, or possibly writing her a letter. Be kind and genuine, but realize when you do need to put your foot down.

Good luck,

Sincerely,

Kiara

Answer 2

2) I left our respective religions out on purpose to remove as much bias as possible. I didn't want people "taking sides" based on a preference for beliefs. I learned that lesson the hard way when I asked my mother (sides with Grandma--same religion) and my husband (sides with me, dislikes that religion) about this issue. They both have an agenda, and who wouldn't? Religion's a touchy issue that affects everyone, no matter how objective they try to be. I wanted to keep this a matter of etiquette, not religion.
Update 2: When I first wrote this question, I had no idea that it would generate over 200 answers! (Picking a best one out of so many good ones is going to be difficult.) Most of these have been very helpful, but a few (and it's a very small few - less than 10 - thank goodness!) have been downright awful, but I knew I was taking that risk when I posted, so it's no biggie. I'm no stranger to cruel people.

Answer 3

I have the same problem and I learned a nice little trick.

You know that the bottom line is that the two of you love each other so, when you recieve the envelope bearing the card then you'll probably know why she's sending it to you.

Then don't open it. You know who it's from and why and that it's contents will most likely be offensive or contrary to your faith. So just don't let that happen.

Instead, thank Grandma for remembering you and for her love and then say no more on the matter. Then, throw the card away, shred it, burn it....doesn't matter....only DON'T ever open it.

This way, you focus on the love and the well meaning if not offensive quality of it all. She gets thanked for her efforts and reminded that you love her and appreciate her. And then you can focus on her love and appreciation without having that mental image of disrespect getting in the way and ruining the moment.

Good Luck!!!

Answer 4

You ARE kidding? When I saw this question, I thought the asker was moaning about one of their friends or someone outside of the family sending them a birthday card that's religious themed, or sending someone else a birthday card that's religious themed.

If you were going to send someone else a card that you KNEW wasn't of whatever religion, that would be inappropriate.

The way it looks right now, is that your grandmother doesn't even know you're different in beliefs than herself, so she can't make a judgement like that. You're being unfair.

How cruel it would be for you to send your grandmother a card that was froma different religion when you ACTUALLY know that she isn't. That makes you petty and immature.

The proper etiquette for this situation could be one of two things. The first: be grateful that she sent you anything at all, and stop whining about it.
The Second: be honest with the old bat and tell her how you feel. And get over what the rest of the family is going to say.

Honestly, this sounds like a problem YOU'RE starting. No wonder Christians thing all other people of other religions are screwed up. Grandma can't be appropriate until she knows she's being inappropriate.

Answer 5

It basically is cross culture.I mean why is it that we will always
say "Merry Christmas" or have Christmas commercials on TV.
Its like that.People really do not consider Christmas a religious
fest anymore but a cultural festival.Afte all its your grandmother
so im sue she will understand.If there was another person maybe
an Athiest who got that card I would start to worry.If it really
has some meaningfull quote from a religious text like "and god
said let there be light" I don't thnk its really that harmfull I mean
heck we have light and god is said to create everything in the Universe no matter what faith.Maybe if it was rather not a philisophical quote that is not harmful to whatever religion like the given example I would worry.Like if it sent a message saying
"Allha a Akbar" (Allah is great) then I think it may be somewhat
offensive or if it sends a message that praises your religion or
sondemns your grandma's or praises your lord alone.It all really
depends on if it is philisophical and has a harmless view point like Christmas holiday in which you can never find a hint of religion unless studied.But again remember she is family.Unless
you are used to her starting issues I would be afraid.If
she is generally nice then your good.If I had just a little more info like how nice or mean your grandmother is or your faith I could answer better.

Answer 6

We are Jewish but all the rest of our family is born again Christian. My grandmother stopped sending such messages because she knew in her heart we will be saved so she's not going to try and push us by sending us religious cards anymore.

Answer 7

This is definitely one of those pick your battles moments. If she's going to make your life miserable over a birthday card to be honest it is not worth the hassle.

Answer 8

However, it sounds like you are truly hurt by her decision. The best (most adult) approach would be to speak with her privately. This assumes that she is open to discussion and that the two of you are very close. If this is not the case, and the probable outcome is an uncomfortable family argument the only solution I can suggest is accepting who and what she is.

Answer 9

While it could be viewed as inappropriate, especially if you've told her not to, chances are you won't be able to change her. If she's old and religious she's pretty stuck in her thinking. She probably hopes, deep down that you'll come around to her way of thinking.

In the end, just be glad that you have a grandma. Many people do not. I don't have any grandparents.

If you need to, feel free to send her a card from your faith. But what's important is the INTENT. If the two of you are sending cards back and forth not out of love and compassion but rather to change each other, neither of you are honest and truly honoring what the card signifies.

Answer 10

Religion is a very personal choice and it would be great if everyone could respect each other's feelings - but they don't always.

When I was younger I wasn't exactly "religious" and like you, I had a relative who insisted on sending "religious" cards to everyone. It upset me, and some of my friends really resented it. Now that I'm a grandmother myself, I wish I had taken a little time to talk to her when I'd had the chance rather than let it annoy me so much.

Maybe your grandmother doesn't realize how much it "upsets" you. She may not be deliberately "disregarding" your choices. If you talk to her with being "accusing" or "angry", she won't feel a need to be "defensive". Try explaining to her that just as you respect her choice in "religion", you would appreciate her respecting yours.

If you really can't talk to her because she gets manipulative and blows everything out of proportion, then write her a letter. In a letter you can ensure that you say things the right way and you will be able to get your feelings across before she "cuts you off". Without being directly in front of her when she reads it, she won't feel the need to "defend" her own beliefs.

We all have the right to worship in our own way. She should be happy that you have your own beliefs. It doesn't really matter which beliefs they are, as long as you are doing your best to be a kind decent human being.

I wish you the best. Even if it doesn't work, don't let it upset you, pray for her.