Cannot let it go?

Question

I was always a rebellious child but yet loved my parents very much. I just had different views on how wanted to spend my life or what I wanted to do in the future. When my father died, I was just 19, and an only daughter of my parents. Naturally, I was deeply hurt. then, one of my nearest relatives who was like a mother to the family said that I was responsible for my father's heart attack and death as I was such a problem child always and never ever tried to do a thing to please him. That hurt a lot. I remained away for her for about two to three years and gradually I forgave her for what she said. It seems she does not even remember what she said. But I can ever forget the pain. Now, whenever I miss my father, the guilt and pain takes over and all my happy moments with him are lost in its gloominess. I just cannot seem to let it go, even after eight years! Perhaps I will carry the burden to my grave.

Answer 1

This relation that made that comment...was she close to your father?
Sometimes when people loose someone they love they feel they need to blame someone or something. They are just totally unable to deal with the pain themselves, unable to accept what has happened. They lash out and say things that thay don't really mean....and apparently don't remember.
The fact that she doesn't remember saying that implies that more than likely, she didn't really mean it. Usually people remember saying things they mean, especially something like that.
Since time has passed and she has dealt with the loss by now, maybe you should talk to her about it. Remind her of what she said and let her know how it has hurt and affected 1) your life as of today and 2)your quality of the memories of your father.
But most importantly....always know....your father KNEW you loved him, he still knows. And I'm sure that he would not want you to still not only grieve in this way for him, but also over something mean and thoughtless said by someone who was also hurting.

Answer 2

You can only "let it go" when you're ready, and only YOU will know if and when you're ready. You might not ever be ready.
I think if she at least remembered and apologized to you, you could move on, BUT, it hurts you that you can't get the apology you deserve because she doesn't seem to remember.
My Dad passed away and my older sister spent his money, and never even got him a headstone! When I said we should pay together, or I can pay for it myself, she claimed that the only reason I wanted to buy the headstone was because I must be feeling "guilty" because I wasn't by his side when he died. (I didn't make it to the hospital, but I spoke to him on the phone.)
I never felt guilty because I'm the only child out of 8 children that spoke to him everyday after our parents divorced, so I spent plenty of time with him!!
She tried to make me feel guilty, and it actually worked! I was so angry, and I still am, BUT I thought of my Dad.
He is looking down on me, and HE knows the truth, so why does it even matter what the next idiot thinks?? He is all that matters!!

Answer 3

Please just let it go. I understand how badly it will hurt you, but still, you must let it go! There is no way that you have to carry the sorrows and the pain with you throughout your whole life! You must forgives yourself and try to be happy everyday on with your life, okay. Remember, forgives yourself and your also your dad. Always try your best to remember the happy thing what your dad had done good in your life till now! Also remember your mom and thanks her very much for being a mom!

Answer 4

People say alot of things when they are under stress. You obviously made more of her comment then he did. I think she said it in the heat of the moment because she had to have a reason in order for her to deal with the pain. Don't let it bother you, it is medically impossible for you to have cause your fathers Myocardial infarction.

Answer 5

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! You weren't inside his body...you couldnt control what happened to him....you had nothing to do with it...sometimes things like that just happen...& whoever said that to you is WRONG....it was none of her business & you shouldnt let what she said bother you....people say a lot of mean things...you just have to let it go in one ear & right out the other...im sorry about your father...but you cannot keep living your life thinking it was your fault cuz it wasnt!

Answer 6

Obviously her harsh words took a powerful impact on you and although it has been a few years the pain is still there. You need to seek counselling to help you through this to sort your thoughts and to accept the fact that it was not your fault. I sincerely hope you seek help and realize that this was not your fault

Answer 7

darlin it seriously isn't your fault. My friend has a similar problem but it isn't his fault either. Its easy for us all to say just forget it it isnt your fault i doubt that us all saying that is going to change your view on things. When your ready and only when your ready you need to sit down and talk to the person who blamed you. She probably said it as she was hurting that your dad had died and wanted someone to blame but sweet heart no one is to blame for your fathers death. You need to take your time to deal with it and only talk to people when you feel emotionally ready take your time with things. I promise you it isn't your fault.

*big hug* xXx all my love xXx CHARLIE xXx

Answer 8

i can relate to the feeling of guilt.. i lost my mother recently to ESRD ... my father was out of country at the time of her demise and the first thing he said to me on seeing me was that i did not sufficient care of her..

later again after a few days when i sat down and talked with him and said that i generally dreamt of mom he said that is coz i feel guilty for not taking enough care of her...

all i can suggest to you is ignore the guilt... it will come and go...

just cherish ur father's memories... u always tend to feel guilty for a loved one's loss under traumatic conditions..

hope i have helped you.

Answer 9

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. Don't let that woman ruin what good memories you have of your father. This is probably easier said than done...you have to let it go or you'll always be unhappy.

Answer 10

thats really sad.... maybe you should talk to your mother about it and tell her that it hurt you... try to think of the happy times you had with your father instead of the gloominess caused by your mother.