How do I deal with the tantrums?

Question

She's 4 and started school in august. She has tantrums over the slightest thing and ends up hysterical. If we tell her no she instantly cries or if we ask her to do something she doesn't want to such as get dressed or come to the shop etc. Her dad is quite hard on her and punishes her each time she's naughty whereas I try to talk to her but neither seems to work. Just now her dad has taken 2 toys away stopped her watching tv in morning and stopped her going to her school disco tonight. i think thats too much. She was good during her school half term so i think its the pressure of school but need to know best way to handle things before me and her dad fall out over it.

Answer 1

ignoring the tantrum will help enormously...children act for attention...show attention when behaviour is good and none when bad....watch super nanny on tv too...

Answer 2

Firstly, you and her dad need to talk this through and be a 'united front' about the whole thing. There is no point in you both having your own agenda and panicing when the child responds to neither - if you were that small and being told different things by different people (dont forget, she will get a different set of rules and rutines at school, or any other family she stays with!) I'm sure you would get confused as to who to listen to, what to do etc. You really cant underestimate the importance of consistency when enforcing rules and routines with kids.

Tantrums should be ignored and the child placed somewhere to think about what they have done. (like a specific chair or bottom of the stairs) Dont be tempted to leave her there for a long time and dont speak to her. It will give you both chance to calm down. After 4 or 5 mins (no more) you can talk to her and discuss why she was sent there and how you both felt then she can come back to what she was doing. It's one of those things that will take an awful lot of doing and feel like you are getting nowhere but eventually she will realise it is much more fun not to be on the step.

Kids have a natural desire to please - work on that. Istead of telling her to do something say that 'Mummy really needs some help and you are the only one that an help me. It would make Mummy really happy/show how grown up you are if you could....'
Reward her with stickers on a chart, when she has enough stickers she can have a treat (decide what the treat will be together). Make it fun too - if she doesnt want to put her coat on, say 'Lets have a competition - i wonder who can button their coat up/get to the car/get to the door first'. Maybe dad could 'help her' whilst you 'struggle' and they win - everybody will be happy and giggly! (oh, and make sure you tell her explicitly when she has been good - even if it what you expect, it is nice to be told 'you are behaving wonderfully today' or 'you tidied up just like i asked' followed by a cuddle. )

Good luck. Hope some of that makes sense or is useful.

Answer 3

Well, I have 3 children and each was different when it came to Tantrums, so what worked with my kids might not work with your child, but I figured I always liked ideas to try when my kids were this age so here goes.

She's becoming a "big girl" she's streatching those tiny little wings and heading off to pre-school. It gives her a taste of independance from you and your husband, but it also can make her more clingy and needy for your attention. So, Maybe the tantrums are a way of getting your attention? Sounds like it REALLY works with your husband? Ignore the tantrum something like... Get down on her level and look her in the eye if you can and as calmly as possible (don't through a tantrum yourself) tell her that her behavior is not appropriate and that when she calms down that you will talk with her about it, than walk away if you can.

With my son I walked away the first time he had a tantrum in a store and that nipped it in the bud. He was so shocked that I was leaving him that he stopped. I knew he'd be safe cause I would be able to hear him if I went 2 blocks away. (Just kidding on that part, but he was really loud. Lol)

Oldest daughter she had tantrums 2yrs and on and she still has them at times and she's 9. *Shrugs* Alot of her's I think was not being able to express in words how she felt. I should probably ask for some advice on my daughter next. hehe There were a few times when she was little and we just didn't know what to do that a pan of COLD water in the face just stopped it out right. Looking back that probably wasn't the best choice.

Youngest daughter she clearly has tantrums for attention. So I really try and catch her doing something good and give her lots of praise and attention and that cuts down on tantrums ALOT. When I get busy and haven't given her much attention for a few days she will start in with the "negative attention" again.

One suggestion is a book... "How to behave so your children will too." This book is my Manual. I think everyone should be sent home from the hospital with this book. Or maybe at the 1yr check up be given this book. LOL

Good luck and hang in there. :) As my Mom always told me..

"This too shall pass"... She won't be 4 forever.

My children are now 12, 9 and 7.

Answer 4

You question reveals a lot. I think that your parenting approach, whereby you each take different approaches which you clearly disagree vehemently about (so much so that you are willing to tell millions of total strangers) is a major part of the problem. You MUST agree on an approach and (more importantly) you MUST support each other, totally, to the hilt. Do NOT allow your 4 year old to rule by dividing you. Personally, I think that your husband's approach is closer to the ideal - it must be made clear that it is the adults who lay down the law. And she's only 4 - how much is she going to understand reasoned discourse, especially if she is in the middle of a tantrum?

As for the tantrums, best thing to do is ignore her and them totally. Do not give her the oxygen of attention. It will run its course soon enough. Make it clear that she will ONLY get attention, love, hugs, kisses, etc when she STOPS misbehaving, crying, screaming, etc. Perhaps painful the first few times but she should get the message soon enough.

Parenting is tough. But ultimately rewarding (when they leave home! - Just kidding. I LOVE kids, but it is really important to be tough and consistent and present a united front). Good Luck

Answer 5

As before, she's seeking attention and it's best to ignore her.
You & Dad need to agree on a procedure. As soon a tantrum starts take her away to a quiet area, like the bottom of the stairs. Get down to her level & explain in a firm voice why she's there and that she has to stay there for time out (usually 1 minute for each year of age). If she gets up keep taking her back but avoid getting into a conversation & never shout. Start the time from when she's calmed down & you MUST ignore her for the duration of her 'time-out'. At the end of her time remind her in a calming voice why you put her there and give her a hug to show there's no hard feelings. It make take a while but it will work.

Answer 6

Since she started school she has obviously had some social sucess. This means that, although nice at school, she might be a lot more challenging at home.

The best way I can think of is to offer a united front when dealing with tantrums. Rather than playing good cop bad cop, if you both are bad for a given behaviour and good for positive behaviour this may show results.

Other than that, ignore bad behaviour, like tantrums. Be firm when you have a deadline and priase/reward where necessary.

Because of school, you are right, it is a difficult time and this is a transitional stage that yshe needs to go through.

Thats all I can tell you.

Answer 7

It does sound like her dad does have the right idea. But your right hes taking it too far. Programs such as Nanny 911 and Super Nanny (CH 4) surgest using a naughty corner for 1 min for each year (4mins for your little girl).

You need to sit down with your partner and have some set rules that you follow for punishment.

Keep at it, But do ignor her tantrums, tell her that its wrong and put her on the naughty step/in the naughty corner for 4 mins and dont let her out unitl she appologises in a calm manner. Dont forget to tell her why you put her there, and do it calmly. I know its hard.

I've got 3 kids. ages 9yrs 6yrs and 10 months. The older one used to be very bad until i started the naughty step/corner.

Your hardest challenge may be talking it through with your partner, do this when your little girl isnt around.

Good luck!

Answer 8

It is too much! Taking away a toy or privilege when your daughter throws a tantrum is not a logical consequence. It will only cause resentment and anger. The punishment needs to fit the crime committed. For example, if she spills her milk, she cleans it. If she breaks a toy, she puts it in the trash. You should only take away a toy if she throws it or is destructive with it.

Could it be the pressure of school or are there any other changes in her life (new baby, move, family issues, stress)? If there are, give her lots of extra love and support. It could be that she came to the realization that school is permanent. Often times children start school and it’s great fun at first and then that realize that it is permanent. It can be very stressful for them.

Temper tantrums are caused by children who are not getting their needs met. If they are not throwing a tantrum because they are feeling ill, tired, or hungry, they will throw a tantrum because it feels powerful for them, they get attention for it, they are testing limits, or they are feeling frustrated.

Avoid punishing or threatening your daughter when she throws a tantrum. Do the unexpected. Either walk away or move her to a quiet place (her room, the couch) and say “When you are ready to calm down then you can come back.” Say nothing more than that. This is not a time out because you are not setting a time limit (you controlling her). She returns when she is ready to control herself. You may have to return her to the designated spot before she gets the message. Be consistent!

Empathize with her. “I can’t tell that you are feeling (frustrated, mad, upset, hurt, angry). What should we do about that?” She will learn to better express her feelings and notice that you understand her.

Help her to feel powerful by saying things like “You did that by yourself!” “You used so many colors on you painting!” “You can swing super high!” “You worked on that for a long time!” These phrases are intrinsic rather than extrinsic (“Good job”, stickers, treats) rewards. They are great confidence builders, great ways to show attention, and great ways to help her feel powerful.

Set limits, follow through, and offer her choices, not chances. Pick you battles! You can say “Do you want to do that by yourself or do you want some help?” or “Do you want to wear the pink shirt or the red one?” "No" should mean "No" the first time you say it. Say "Yes" as much as possible. Be patient and consistent. Good luck!

Answer 9

I know it sounds simple and rubbish but "ignore the bad, praise the good" really does work. It's easy to give back as bad as they give and to threaten them with this and that and get frustrated. I found in the end that just simply ignoring the tantrums and refusing to speak to her until she'd calmed down worked. Also if you give in even once to a tantrum they think that all they have to do is keep going long enough and you'll give in.

Answer 10

Ignore them. Tantrums are just a means to get attention and even disciplining her is still giving her attention, although negative attention.

My almost 5 year old is quite good at tantrums. She stops after awhile when she realizes I will not communicate with her when she acts that way.

Answer 11

Punishing a tantrum never works. What Works is to ignore it. My friend used to put she son in the bathroom when he would start on his. She would say to him if you cry to much that you have to pee you can and if you need a water it's here too. Now come out when you can talk to me. If he came and throw a tantrum she would calmly put him back in the bathroom. It took time but it worked.