I am having problems with my 19 year old and her step dad fighting?

Question

i have been with my husband for 15 years and he and my 19 year old daughter fight to no avail. recently she lost her license to a dui, not real bad but bad enough. I am a recovering alcoholic. My daughter used my car twice in the last week and didnt get it home until after I had to leave for work in the a.m. I have now grounded my daughter from the car, currently she is a full time college student, so is her younger sister of one year but she is working hard. He says very nasty things to my oldest daughter because she is not working and threatens to take me to court to get her support payment. I feel very guilty because she blames me because i was an alcoholic during her growing up years, although I maintained my job and make decent money. I am so torn up between the two, they wont go to counceling. he thinks we should throw her out and make her learn her lesson but I dont want her to quit school, it is stressing me so badly i am drinking mildy again. who is right and wrong

Answer 1

No one right or wrong, but she is your child. What bothers me most here is that you are referring to your daughter as "your" daughter and not "our" daughter. If you have been married to this man for 15 years he has been around your child since she was 4, you need to find out where the animosity stemmed from. She is blaming you because as you stated you were a drinker yourself, and she is now following that road. She needs help, you need to help her. I'm sure no one kicked you out when you were losing yourself to the bottom of a bottle. You need to establish with your husband that she is your child and you WILL NOT put her out so that she can be alone. You also need to establish with your daughter that your husband is just that deserves respect. Tell them you all have to find a way to get along or else!!!

Best Wishes!!!

Answer 2

1) You can't change other people. Your husband and your daughter have a well established pattern of behavior that isn't likely to change. They will do what they will do and there really isn't anything you can do about it. You can however do something about how you react and how you interact with the two of them. That is where you need to focus your energy.

2) You have loyalty to your husband and to your daughter so you are caught in the middle. Taking sides won't work.

3) Probably the hardest thing to do may be the most powerful and that is to openly admit to your daughter that you failed to be a good mother while she was growing up. Tell her that you realize how difficult things must have been for her and that you are working on being better. You will likely still make mistakes along the way, but you are taking responsibility for yourself.

At 19, your daughter is old enough to experience the natural consequences of driving drunk. Don't try and spare her from these as she will never learn to be a strong and responsible person until she can face up and take responsibility for her behavior. It may be painful for you to watch and she will likely attack you for not rescuing her. Don't give in. Some tough love may be in order.

As far as your husband, let him know how it hurts you when he doesn't get along with your daughter. Don't tell him to get along with her or try and change him in any way, just share your feelings without attacking him.

I hope this helps and good luck!

Answer 3

Seems like your daughter is following in your footsteps, and your certainly not helping by starting to "mildly drinking" again. There's no such thing as that for an alcoholic. You do'nt say how long you have been a recovering alcoholic,do'nt back slide,that wo'nt help you or your daughter. You need to stay free of this.I'd say she is rebelling and targeting you, seems like she's trying to show you what she felt like growing up with an alcoholic parent so she's doing it to show you how it hurt her growing up.Alot of kids not all , follow in the path that is set out in front of them, she is definitly a bright person being in college but I feel a very spoiled one also. I have to agree with your husband,she should get a job to help out, instead of depending on you for everything.Support payment, who does she think supported her so far. College certainly is'nt cheap let alone everything you provided her growing up. I would suggest some tough love ,maybe not throw her out but give her so long to get a job, then maybe the tension wo'nt be so heavy around home. You did'nt mention her real dad, if he's still living why is'nt he helping.If she does'nt get a job, then maybe it would be best to try it on her own ,it time for her to take or learn some responsibilty. It might be the best thing you could do for her.Good luck and stay sober.

Answer 4

The difference between you and your husband is that as a mothers we are prepared to handle just about anything our own kids do, whereas a step parent is not. You just know you would jump under a train for her. Hide the car keys - easy. She can have the excuse of youth for her stupidity but your husband can not. Tell him his nastiness isn't helping anything. And it would help you if he tried not to be antagonised by your daughter. I'd say the same thing if he was her real father.

Answer 5

you know you cant start drinking again. thats wrong. if yu care about your daughter, fix that first. Maybe she blames you and maybe that is the root cause of some of her issues but she is a big girl now and it is her who has to do the hard work of getting her life on track. you need to be there for her. that doesnt mean you say what she does is okay. it means you will love and support her anyway. maybe while you were drunk, your husband was able to be as nasty as he liked and this is as much of his creation as anyone elses. dont let him be the wedge between your daughter and you. she may make mistakes but dont let her feel that she is the mistake.

Answer 6

1- Do not fall to alcohol.
2- Find a trusted guardian for your daughter, preferably at some distance from you and your husband.
3- Keep supporting her with education.
4- Have her seek counsel ling along with yourself, leave your husband out of this.
5- Continue to relate with your husband as usual, do not react and don't let him react.
6- None of you are at fault, every one is a victim of their circumstance. Stresses of life are to be blamed.
7- Love shall win it all.

Answer 7

The past must be the past. Now it's time for the 19 year old to grow up, and you to leave the drinking alone. I don't know your husband but If your marriage is important you have to put it first and if your 19 year old won't accept your help you can't force it on her. She should not be putting herself between you and your husband and you shouldn't support her in doing that. Sounds a bit like she has been using your guilt to manipulate you . Tell her you will support her if she gets some help but you are not going to join her in the bottle.

Answer 8

Why is counseling always the answer, you husband rode that roller coaster with you during your drunk years and now he does not want to do it again. You daughter seems old enough to make decisions to get dui's so she should be able to make decisions in her own apartment. Take your husband out to dinner and discuss how great he has been how you support him and how your going to tell your daugher " We tried our best, we didn't do a great job but we tried, Your Step dad and I do not have many years left but we want to make what we have left happy times, so you have got to go............best of luck and send christmas cards, now go and be you!

She has no right to blame only herself to choose what she does.

Answer 9

the whole family actually needs counseling. you already know this. your daughter is blaming you for her choice. and i bet when you were dranking you blamed some one else too. takes the way it goes. you know this. she can blame you, but she can't name you. she has to come clean and be repsonsible for her self. even tho she's your blood. you have to say to her," i have made mistakes in my life, i am clean now, i do not hold myself for you actions. you are a grown woman. and you must face a grown woman's jury. you ****** up and just like me, you will have to pay. who says you are above the law? not you, 'cause you're not responsilbe. it's called tough love. and believe me, i know it hurts. i got 3 of them. good luck

Answer 10

As everyone knows, admire should be earned. But, as a Christian, it's viable to admire his authority as the daddy, senior guy of the condominium, your mother's husband, and so on., and but nonetheless realize and feature exceptional distaste for his man or woman as a person. When I used to be within the U.S. Marine Corps there have been tons of officials and NCO's that I disliked, however I needed to study to admire their authority, despite the fact that I disliked them as humans. Little Brother, the foremost factor you'll do to aid your mom and your doorstep-father is to retain to hope for him. Pray that God pulls out all of the stops to get to this guy's center and difference it. That He does anything it takes to difference his man or woman and his disposition into whatever that resembles a person of affection, sincerity, and devotion. God will retain to Bless you and your loved ones as you retain to like, obey, and worship Him even as you move throuhg this trial by means of fireplace. I realize in my center that you simply all will pop out the opposite aspect more potent, extra faithful to one another and God, and extra inclined to do His Will. Oh yeah, if you'll as a loved ones, while he isn't round, celebration and sing hymns and worship songs to God. It will absolutely aid alleviate one of the vital pressure. . The simplest cause I mentioned, "...while he isn't round..." is due to the fact that he won't admire your efforts and rationale extra crisis that you simply men shouldn't have.