How can I improve my relationship with my dad?

Question

For the last few years I have really been hurting because my dad doesn't want anything to do with me. He doesn't want to spend holidays with my sister or me because we both have done things he doesn't agree with (she got pregnant when she wasn't married, and I've done some things with my boyfriend, but I've never been pregnant). I never meant to hurt him, but he says that we have brought shame upon the family, and he can't sleep at night knowing what we have done. He talks to me sometimes, but it's in an artificial tone, and he usually finds a reason to leave the room soon after. We have never been that close, but I want to have a better father-daughter relationship with him. I am going to get married this summer and I want him to be at the wedding...at this point, I don't think he'll show up, and I don't know if I can handle the situation in which he's not there when I get married. How can I help to improve this relationship? Thanks in advance for your advice.

Answer 1

It really sounds like he is an emotionally stunted man, not capable of having a real relationship. By wanting it so much, you are setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment.

Let him know when you're getting married, and tell him that you hope that he can honor you by being there. Then drop it. Don't let HIM be the focal point of your wedding day, though. You and your husband-to-be deserve better than that.

The less you expect from your dad, the less you'll be disappointed. Expect nothing, and then any small thing he does will be a pleasant surprise.

Answer 2

You are in a tough spot. Have you ever just asked your Dad if there is anything you could do to make your relationship better? Is he looking for an apology? Can you get him to identify exactly what it is that you have done to "shame" the family? Has your father never done anything "wrong"?

What was his relationship like with his father? Is there a history here?

A relationship is not repairable if both parties are not willing. Your Dad may fall into that category. If that is the case, then there is not much you can do to improve your relationship...because no relationship actually exists. You want a relationship...but your Dad does not.

So if you ask him if there is anything you can do to change the nature of your relationship and make some improvements, and he does not have any ideas, then you might as well accept that he is unwilling to work on making things better. So invite him to your wedding expecting that he won't attend, always be polite with him, and expect nothing less from him...and just get on with your life. Both of you are missing out, but the fault will not be yours if you have made the appropriate overtures.

Answer 3

Ask your father if he is ashamed of himself for making adult choices and for having an adult relationship with your mother.

Then tell your father that you are an adult and enjoy being in a relationship with someone who cares for you.

Your father needs to mature as a person. This won't happen if his girls pander to his behavior.

Print this entire web page and make him read it.
It will show that you are concerned about your relationship and want to do more than hold a grudge for the rest of your lives.

Answer 4

hey .. i think your dad really loves you both a lot.. and i am sure that he will be there holding your hand on your wedding day... i think your father trusts you more then himself .. go talk to him , you have to break the ice some or the other way.. i can tell you one thing .. dad can be a real cool friend.. just try to know him better try and set a surprize picnic and just sort it out.. tell him that you need to discuss some wedding details and his oppion is very important in it.. inshort all i can say is go talk to him. you have to bring out that courage in you.
just go and talk to him... and hey congratulations.. have a nice (weded...) life..

Answer 5

Sounds like my situation but with my mom! How old are you by the way? My mom and I always had hostility between us. It may have alot to do with your dad's up bringing (his relationship to his parents) and also his feeling the need to control you guys and failing to do so. That's where the "you've brought shame to the family" speech comes in. Sounds all too familiar!! Go with the flow, and stand your ground. You did NOTHING wrong. We grow and naturally, it's a different era a new generation. Our parents need to trust us to grow in the way that best suits us. I got married 7 months ago. And my mom was soooo against it. But I knew there wasn't anything wrong with what my heart was saying. Now she cooled off. Time heals any wounds. Give him time to see things from a different perspective.

Once your on your own and living your normal life, reality will set in and he will feel a bit foolish to have tried to control you guys. Congradulations on your marriage!!

Answer 6

you need to talk to him face to face. tell him that you understand that hes mad with you and your sister, and says he cant forgive and forget the past..but what will happen if something ever happend and you wouldnt be able to make peace with one another again..could he live with himself because you cant. tell him that you want him in your life, that people are going to make mistakes your only human, tell him you are asking for his forgivness and you want a freash start with him if hes willing to do so. tell him you dont want this to go on and have any regreats in your life. Let him know that you are willing to make peace with him if hes willing to give it a try. If he does not want to , than all you can do, is put on a smile, call him and tell him you love him now and than, and no matter how mean he is, just pretend hes not, just keep showing him your love even if its hard, this way you wont have any regreats and you tryed your best and never gave up.