how do I comfort my daughter who is very angry at my mother's insensitivity??

Question

MY 9 YR OLD DAUGHTER COULDN'T STOP CRYING LAST NIGHT DUE TO THE FACT THAT HER AND I JUST DON'T GET ALONG WELL WITH MY MOTHER. MY MOTHER IS A NEGATIVE, DEPRESSING, BITTER & MISERABLE WOMAN WHO LIVES WITH US NOW. MY DAUGHTER IS TIRED OF HEARING MY MOM BAD MOUTH ME. I'M TIRED OF MY MOM BLABBING TO EVERYONE AND ANYONE ABOUT THINGS THAT GO ON IN "OUR" HOUSEHOLD. MY DAUGHTER AND I HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GIVE HER WHAT SHE NEEDS. SHE JUST SO DEPRESSED AND I WANT TO BE COMFORTING BUT I WASN'T BROUGHT UP BY A WARM COMFORTING MOTHER. I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD JUST HOLD MY LITTLE GIRL OR TAKE HER OUT TO A NICE DINNER SINCE THAT'S WHAT SHE LIKES. I'VE NEVER SEEN HER SO SAD. I'M WONDERING IF IT'S MY FAULT FOR LETTING HER SEE MY ANGER TOWARDS MY MOM. MY MOM'S BEEN SNAPPING AT MY GIRL & WHEN MY GIRL CRIES MY MOM JUST TELLS HER TO SHUT UP AND GO CRY IN THE BEDROOM. PLEASE HELP!

Answer 1

Wow -

Why would you bring your ultra-negative mother into your household? It must have been a desparate situation.

If I were you, I'd have an honest sit-down discussion with my mother about where she's going to move to.

Make it clear she IS moving, but try to work with her as kindly as possible to make the transition as painless as can be.

Whatever you do, don't let her negativity poison your happy home and ruin the positive dynamic you have with your daughter. You've been working a long time to build the great relationship you share with her, and you've probably done so by remembering what NOT to do from your own childhood. Don't let those lessons go to waste, and don't let the cancer of negativity get a foothold in your home.

There must be a better place for your mother to live. If this means an old age home, so be it. Let her gripe and complain somewhere else, but make it clear this behavior will not be tolerated under your roof.

Once you've got a plan together, be as kind as possible when explaining it to your daughter, too. She may not be capable of understanding it all now, but she needs to know something of what's going on.

Best of luck with this one...it's a tough deal.

Answer 2

You need to have a chat with your mother at a time when your daughter is not around.

You need to lay it on the line. You will not tolerate the way she acts towards you or your daughter. You need to tell her the effect it is having on your daughter. You also need to own up to your part in the rows. Then you both need to set some clear ground rules.

It probably has not helped that you also have shouted at your mother in front of your daughter. I think you need to explain to your daughter that your relationship with your mother is maybe not so good, but it shouldn't affect the way your daughter interacts with her grandmother as they have a different relationship.

If you and your mother cannot compromise, then maybe other arrangements should be made for your mother as it's not really fair on your daughter.

As for what you can do for your daughter in the meantime, if you've never been cuddly then she might not appreciate being cuddled straight off. But maybe when you're talking to her you could start by holding her hand.

Make sure she has time away from your mother, well both of you really together doing something fun. But do this on a regular basis.

Ask your daughter what changes she would like to see and include these ideas when you talk with your mother.

Best wishes

Answer 3

NOT AT ALL!!! I have a 13 year old daughter and she has a friend who has been in trouble and her mother blames my daughter. My daughter has never been in trouble and wasn't there when the friend was caught shoplifting, but she still gets the finger pointed at her as being the cause. I believe that these girls have enough going on between them without mothers getting involved with the petty stuff.

Answer 4

Why are you being around your mom so much? If you live with her, move out and focus your life on living in general. There are so many other things to do; you will be so busy you will not think of your mom. You are responsible for getting your daughter away from such a negative situation. This is your responsibility to take charge and handle the situation. Why is this simple problem of doing this so hard for you to do? Unless, for mental reasons you like this type of drama in your life.

Answer 5

you know that you need to put your daughter before your mother she is a child and mom is an adult ..I am not sure why your mom lives with you but you need to straight forward with your mom and tell her you are raising your daughter and she has no right to put her 2 cents in.. if your mom is in a dementia state or something that she can't be left at home alone then you need to find an alternate situation for your mom..your responsibility lies with your daughter..and she will hate you if you don't put her first...you need to respect your mother but if she can't respect your parenting then she needs to step back..my mother lives with me because of my medical issues for a year and I thought i was going to die...it was impossible to be a mom with a nana there..in my case my mom spoiled my children therefore they didn 't want to listen to me or do their household responsibilities...however our mothers both know what its like to be a mother ....and i am a single mom and assuming you are too..you need to sit down and put it out on the table if she has a problem with your daughter she need to talk to you privately she needs to respect your athority as a mother ..you need to point blank tell her that if she doesn't have anything positive to say about you,your daughter, or anyone else don't say it..i know this will be hard ..i have done it but you know what??your mom will be proud of you..she will look at you in a different light, she will be proud( after a little bit of hurt and selfshame) that she has a daughter who would do anything for her family and to be a good parent ...sometimes the best things to do are the hardest...but your daughter deserves to have a fight free home..and a grandmother who loves her and supports her and if that doesn't happen then ..grandma has to be second and your daughter first! good luck

Answer 6

Get yourself and your daughter out of there. As fast as you can. Nobody should have to live like that. At that young age, your daughter doesn't need to be around that destructive force. You are describing emotional abuse. Like they say, 'You don't have to hit, to hurt.' In the meantime, listen to her. Just listen. You can tell her that it makes you feel bad too. The best thing you can use right now is empathy. Just put yourself in your daughter's shoes.

Answer 7

Blah sounds like my grandmother... and I dont talk to the woman anymore... better to stay away that to feel like crap al the time.
It may be time to get your mom a new place to live for your daughters sake.

Answer 8

Take her out for a mother daughter out for a day with just you and her. And just explain things to her. Be nice and use a clam voice. It will all work out.

Answer 9

Why dont you all sit down together and try to resolve your issues with each other. If that doesnt work, perhaps you need a moderator. You're talking 3 generations here.

Answer 10

O.K............THIS WOMAN IS LIVING WITH YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER IN YOUR HOME??? YOU GET MOM OUT!! YOU CAN'T LET YOUR MOM HURT YOUR BABY GIRL!! IF A STRANGER OR ONE OF YOUR FRIEND SPOKE TO YOUR DAUGHTER LIKE MOM DOES, WOULD YOU STAND FOR IT???????? START CALLING ELDERLY HOUSING, GET MOM ON THEIR LIST AND GET HER OUT ASAP!!!!!!!! IN THE MEAN TIME STEP UP TELL YOUR MOM SHE WILL NOT TALK TO YOUR CHILD THAT WAY.SHE'S A GUEST IN YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTERS HOME!!!!! YOUR HOME IS SUPPOSE TO BE A SAFE PLACE FOR YOUR CHILD!!
PUT THE OL' GAL IN HER PLACE, THEN FIND HER, HER OWN PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ONE MORE THING, YOUR DAUGHTER WILL GROW TO HATE HER GRANDMOTHER IF THIS CONTINUES!! SAVE YOUR DAUGHTER, GET MOM OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!