my wedding is just few months now. my fiance just confessed to me that he had a son ,i asked him how. He said he left the mother because she was too troublesome but they already had a son . i dont know how i will tell my parents about this because my parents especially my mother will not allow me to marry him if i should tell her that my husband to be already had a son(my mother use to tell me that the experiences she had in a polygamous home ,that she would not allow me to have it).
But what surprises me most is that my husband to be use to call the ex-wife and they will talk for many hours which i believe could affect my wedding.
I want you to advise me if to go ahead with the wqedding or get out of it
2006-10-25 06:10:00 · 31 answers · asked by rolly f 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Well... I think he should have told you about his son; by concealing this information, he was being dishonest. Yes, there could have been good reasons why he may have not mentioned it. My ex-husband had a biological daughter; at the time we were dating and getting married, he had not seen her for almost 20 years (he was a youngster when he had her); she was adopted by someone else, and he had no role in her life. He did tell me about her, tho. I mean, in a situation like this, it is as if the person doesn't even have a child.
However, your fiancé's situation sounds different. It seems that he still has a place in his son's life. And, wait a second... He calls up his ex and they talk for "many hours"?? Red flag there, girl. I mean, it's normal if he chats with his son's mother every once in a while... but for "many hours"?? It is ridiculous.
Bottom line is... It's up to you. Your parents cannot allow or disallow your marriage, as long as you're over 18. However, they CAN make things difficult; you have to take it into account. The fact that there's a child in your fiancé's life is something for you to deal with, too; keep in mind that this child is not going anywhere, he will be around, and you have to decide whether or not you're up for it.
I would say - if it doesn't "feel" right, in the long run you will be happier if you call off the wedding; you will pay the price now, but believe me, later you will be thankful. Give it some thought, and listen to your gut.
2006-10-25 06:37:32 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a decision only you can make.
You can allow other's opinions, including your mothers, but don't let other's decisions be your choice.
Questions to ask yourself:
Why did he tell you now?
Why wasn't he involved in his child's life? If he was, how did he do it secretly? Child support?
How you didn't know he had a child when he was in contact with ex wife? Maybe that was explaining the reason why he called OR he would talk due to "unfinished business" with her? Even then, do you feel he would be hiding too many things?
Does this situation show he is ready for marriage? Why?
How will this affect your marriage? (as you already stated in an expression of fear).
I would recommend putting the wedding on hold for now until this issue is brought up and delt with. It is a major issue and it would be best to address the issue and deal with it before going into marriage already with marriage problems.
Then once all out and open, see if placing another date is on the agenda or if you feel this situation is not want you would like to remain in. Doesn't make you a bad person to leave.
Everyone has their future goals and dreams to achieve. Some people are not ment to be, even at the last minute.
2006-10-25 07:30:16 · answer #2 · answered by Mutchkin 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, him having a son does not mean that you would be in a polygamous home. It would only be polygamous if he was married to her as well (or otherwise seriously committed) while married to you, and you both know and accept it.
Right now, you're marrying a single dad. That isn't such a big deal in and of itself.
If you can accept that he has a son and welcome the son into your life, then go on with the marriage. If the fact that he hid this from you, has a child, and still communicates with the ex is something you can't get over, then it's time to postpone the wedding.
But don't worry about your mom. There would be no reason to tell her until after you've figured out what you want to do (or until after the wedding).
2006-10-25 07:59:51 · answer #3 · answered by Pink Denial 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why has he waited just months before the wedding to tell you this? This is something VERY important that should have been discussed before there was ever a proposal. This affects THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. He has been dishonest with you. What else has he not told you? Postpone the wedding, until you are sure, without a shadow of a doubt, that this is the man he says he is.
As far as your mother & this "polygamous" relationship, I'm not sure I would go quite as far as to call it that, but when there are children involved there are far more events that will affect your marriage, and this child's mother will be always be a factor for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.
2006-10-25 06:30:55 · answer #4 · answered by weddrev 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all your mother should have no say in things that affect YOUR life. However I do relize that not everyone who posts on here is from the U.S. and there are differing cultures.
Secondly if HE could not have been honest about his son in the beginning then he is not to be trusted. Can you go into a marriage knowing you will never be able to trust this man? I know I would not be able to. A good stable marriage can not be built on a foundation of lies and that is exactly what is happening here. It is your choice whether you go ahead with it or not but for myself, I would back out and if anyone asked the reasons I would tell them the truth, that he kept the fact that he had a son from you and that you can not marry a man who would lie about something like that.
2006-10-25 07:03:13 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think the best thing to do is call off the wedding Then tell your parent's your mom can't make you not marry him that's your choice but I say don't marry him until you know more about him.
Look at your problem he diden't tell you any thing about this other relationship until now. Qustion is why why did he wait until week's before your wedding to tell you. Also I don't know him but if he waited till now to tell you about this son of his Can you trust him in not doing it agian or worst walk out on you on your wedding day . Think honestly he basicly has been lieing to you he made you think that he was child free and all that. And now hes not. How do you know that all this stuff in the past month's that he's told you is not a lie to if he diden't even bother to tell you in the beginning then how much of what he has said Truth.
Your Mother can't stop you from marrying him. But i would think on this hard before marrying him. Cause you could marry him and think all is good but then you find out he's got other girlfriends. If he had really Loved you he would have told you about this when he asked you to Marry him. Becarful don't merry him until you know he whole truth.
2006-10-25 06:40:58 · answer #6 · answered by Somone 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are an adult and your mother really doesn't have a say in who you get married to. It is totally up to you. I would personally feel extremely betrayed. Why would he wait until now to tell you? Why is he talking to his ex-wife for HOURS? How long have you known this man? I would think long and hard about your life and how this is going to affect it. I would possibly put off the wedding. Postpone it to a date when you can figure out why he wouldn't tell you from the beginning, and why he is still having such lengthy conversations with his ex. Good Luck
2006-10-25 08:01:01 · answer #7 · answered by **hope/faith**1744 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would be troubled since he waited until after he proposed to let you know that he has a child. That shows that he doesn't trust you. Now, you shouldn't trust him. What else could he be hiding? Why would he wait so long to tell you?
I don't think your mother's opinion matters. Who cares if she was in a polygamous relationship? That's not your relationship at all.
Whether he talks on the phone may not matter. What does he talk about to her? Do they talk about their child?
I would postpone the wedding and find out the answers to these questions.
2006-10-25 06:50:18 · answer #8 · answered by sillylittlemen 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's not with his sons mother anymore so why wouldnt you go on with the wedding? It's not like he cheated on you and made a baby with some other woman. The fact that he has a son shouldnt affect your disision to marry him. It just means that you are going to have to accept his son into your life. If you dont have a problem with that than go ahead and marry him. If you cant accept that then Don't. As for your mother, it's not like he's married to both of you women so what is she worried about. Just reassure her that everything will be ok, and that he's not a poligamist. Good Luck!
2006-10-25 06:21:22 · answer #9 · answered by Candace T 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Apparently you should not be married, because you apparently haven't discussed everything that needs to be discussed. I am assuming that the reason as to why you haven't been told about his son, is because he isn't in that child's life. Is that what you want for yourself and the possible children the two of you may have together? Whether or not he has a son isn't the issue, the issue is, are you both on the same path. You apparently have a lot of discussion left before you consider marriage.
2006-10-25 06:23:11 · answer #10 · answered by heather d 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋