My mother in law is in her mid 50's and in perfect health. She is in a commission based job in which she has not made a sale in about 10 months. She has lived on credit cards since then and has pretty much maxed those out. We are paying her household bills (rent, utilities) since we are living in her house, but may have to start paying her car, insurance, credit, etc. bills to keep her out of financial trouble and repossession. She will not get a regular hourly job as she insists that the market will pick up and that she is not qualified to do anything. We have 3 kids and would like a place of our own with our family. If we leave, she will lose her house which is really well priced if she were to be able to support herself and live alone, but it is much too small for all of us. We cannot pay rent and bills for 2 houses. Should we feel obligated to support her financially? If so, would you stay and pay a cheaper rent or move to a bigger place in a better area? Please help!!
2006-10-25 05:32:54 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Well, I think this all depends on your and your husband's heart. This is a real difficult situation. If it were me, I would only help if I could. I wouldnt want to see my mother in law loose her house. The thing is, we have troubles of our own, and most of us dont have the luxury of having extra money lying around. I think helping your mother in law until she gets back on her feet is a nice gesture, but make sure you set a limit. Tell her for how long you are going to help, and stick with it. Otherwise she is going to get used to it. She really isnt that old. She can make descent money cleaning hotels, she could be a waitress part time, there is so much she could do. I think that one shouldnt have to be financially responsible for one's parents until they are disabled and cant work. Its not your guy's fault that she didnt plan for retirement.
2006-10-25 05:40:08 · answer #1 · answered by pda_tech_guy 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What saints you and your husband!
It is time for "Mom" to grow up and pay her own way. You are not obligated to do anything more than love and respect your elders, and you both have gone way above the call of duty there.
You have 3 children that deserve their own home..what happens when "grandma" gets tired of the noisy teen aged antics..or becomes one of those, she can't date until she is 23??
This is your life, your husband spent his childhood with his Mommy, now it's time to take care of yourselves and your children.
Maybe a good dose of responsibility will also help motivate your monster in law into realizing that she can get a 9-5 job, and she does have valuable skills..almost anyone can clean a house or walk a dog..enjoy it not likely, but it will help pay the bills!
2006-10-25 05:41:07 · answer #2 · answered by kat k 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A 50 year old woman is supposed to take care of herself. You should not be burdened by her problems.
This will be hard, but you need to sit down with your husband and wirte down a plan and then stick to it.
You need to answer these questions:
Where should mom live?
How can she get a better job?
What will happen to mom if she does not pay her bills? And that is her fault and not ours?
Should we give her any money and why?
Is she just using us for support?
How can we get our freedom and stay in good grace with her?
Does her feelings about us really affect us?
We need to thing about what is best for us and the kids first?
Your Mom seems to be irresponsible and this did not happen overnight. She is taking advantage of her son and his family. You are being an enabler (enabling her to use you and be in a bad situation). Just like alcoholism she has a spending problem. She may like her job but if it is not paying her bills she needs to move on. She needs to be self sufficient and not take from you.
I think you need to have a meeting with her. Let your husband do most of the talking since if you do you will be the bad guy. Use you notes. Tell he your first priority is your family. You are moving out (give her a date about one month or two away). Tell her you will not longer be able to help her with any bills as you need to get your family secure and you are saving for your kids college fund. Tell her you feels she is a great person who can work a number of decent jobs (give her a list) and she needs to find a new job. Also tell her you feel she needs counseling to straighten out her affairs and her spending woes. Tell her you are not changing your mind and you mean what you say. Tell her you are doing this for your family and kids. You should not be burdened with her troubles. She needs to grow up and take care of herself.
Please get out of her home and start again. If she loses it let the government put a roof over her head (welfare and low cost housing). I know we all want to take care of our parents but 50 is too young and she is not handicapped. Motivate her to stop being the victim and take charge of her own life. If you keep paying her bills what motivates her to stop spending money and sitting around waiting for money to fly her way. Move on for your kids sake.
2006-10-25 05:48:36 · answer #3 · answered by Nevada Pokerqueen 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should check in to her job---10 months without a commission.????She's young enough to get her a new job. if you are paying the house note, keep records so you can get some back, when she gets on her feet. I smell something stinky with her.If she were to lose some of her possessions, then she would see where she's headed.Tell her to sale the house, you buy one big enough for all to live in comfortably, then everyone is happy.Her credit is staying good because of you.(they have nice homes with mother-in-law housing)
2006-10-25 05:52:48 · answer #4 · answered by Maw-Maw 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should help her but not to the extent that you are, you also have a family to look after.
Your mother is taking advantage of the fact that you feel obligated to pay her bills to do what she wants when she wants.
You need to tell her that you love her dearly but that you cannot financially pay for her & your family & that you have to put your wife & children first, then perhaps you could get her an appointment with a financial advisor who will help her to see what she has to do to stay solvent.
You are a parent yourself and as much as you will love your mother your childrens future has to come first
2006-10-25 05:43:48 · answer #5 · answered by madamspud 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
At whichever age they are no longer considered kids, and are legally implacable - at this age they will probably be quite capable of supporting themselves, at any rate. Now, if their parents decide that for some obscure reason they don't want to support their genetic proxies, they can, of course, contact the government and have their offspring adopted by another couple. It is, of course, highly unlikely that a parent would do that, due to the genetic programming of human beings, but it might happen.
2016-03-28 07:17:03 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
1. You are not responsible for the career choices your mil makes or how she chooses to spend her money.
2. Is there any reason you can't find a home or apartment of your own? The more dependent she becomes on you the harder it will be for her to live independently of you, and for you to stop feeling obligated.
3. Tell her to go to her local employment office and have her skills tested and get career counseling.
4. Show her on paper where she is financially and where she'll be if she doesn't get her act together. THIS STATEMENT SHOULD NOT INCLUDE YOUR CONTRIBUTIONS!
5. You have to think of your future. Your mil is not incapable of doing what she needs to, its just that her hand hasn't been forced.
6. In terms of where you should live, find a place that meets most of your needs and where you can afford to live. Don't go beyond your means.
Everyone is accountable for the lives they lead. Your mil has to live with her choices. You owe it to your children to get them out of this stressful situation and begin building your life.
2006-10-25 05:41:07 · answer #7 · answered by Le_Roche 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your mother is an adult, and fully capable of supporting herself. If you were in her circumstances because you didn't manage your money and credit wisely, would you expect her to bail you out? Make her sort things out and get back on her feet, or you'll all be miserable for a very long time.
2006-10-25 05:34:58 · answer #8 · answered by MOM KNOWS EVERYTHING 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If your parents are finacially irresponsible, never.
Fortunately, my own parents have always been very conservative and are now quite well off, but if your own have been squandering money for years, why would you let them drag you down too?
Let them barely get by on Social Security if that's what they've planned for...support them as much as you have to, just as they did when you were a child. Anything beyond that is your own decision.
2006-10-25 05:36:43 · answer #9 · answered by drumrb0y 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
that sucks. i would tell u to that while u r living with to help her pay for the house and food. but not the extras, mid fifities is still pretty young she needs to find an hourly job, thats not right she is creating a mess.
2006-10-25 05:35:56 · answer #10 · answered by Miki 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋