Forgiveness?

Question

ok here's the prob. my father is an alcoholic i havent talked to him or seen him for the last 5 years.honestly i dont want to see or hear from him because ever since i was a kid he made my life a living hell! no he didnt hit me or molested me but emotionally i was scarred as hell. there was a time where i thought drinking and cheting was ok this was when i was 10. my mother cannot see how traumatised that made me, i didnt have a good relationship with men because of that and since my mother every single time would forgive him for cheating i had such not hatred but intolerance for cheating bfs. the woman actually told me that if she ever saw my bf/husband cheating on me she wouldnt tell me. how can someone say that to me? ur mother! and i'm her only child! now that same mother of mine wants me to contact my dad and forgive him! that is not ******* fair! why? if that asshole wanted to contact me he would have! she's like alcoholism is a disease and not his fault! i'm like bullfuckingshit

yes we are catholic and we have to forgive but some stuff i just cant forget or forgive...friends and family couldnt come over cause he was so drunk, people would look at me and pity me or a bunch of ****! i just cant, i honestly cant! what would u do?

ALCOHOLISM IS NOT A DISEASE! if it were why doesnt everyone who touches alcohol not an alcoholic??? i dont belive that and never will

Answer 1

sounds like you all need some serious councelling! Your dad should be the one phoning you and begging your forgiveness, what about your mom? Does she know how she has hurt you? Has she asked your forgiveness? You didn't ask to be born to that family, but none the less, family they are, hard to turn your back on that. Maybe you could forgive to a point, have some guidelines on your relationship, like, no drinking when you are around. Sounds like your parents are pretty messed up, do better for yourself, you deserve it, respect yourself and wait for that special person to come into your life, they are worth waiting for!

Answer 2

I feel for you. I was as angry as you are now. I was sure that I will never talk to my father again. Sure that I can not forgive him. I have carried the hate in my heart for 16 years. A year ago I got so pissed that I had to let him know about all the hate inside me. I did not hold back. He also told me his side of the story. Though I don't know if my father has changed, I have started to talk to him. We are not the best of friends but it's an improvement. I feel better. I guess this is forgiveness. I have not forgotten what he did but I have accepted what happened and put it behind me. I didn't want the burden of hatred all my life and I didn't want my daughter to have the same hate in her. I wanted to teach her to be a better person. My husband helped me a lot. His father was the same irresponsible immature dad that I had. Keeping grudges only hinder your emotional growth hence your problem with relationships. Forgiveness is not easy. It takes time. Forgiveness should be complete. You can't say "I forgive you" today then next week bring up the past. That's why I say it is hard. I have not forgotten that my dad was an absentee father but I don't hurt anymore. He was not perfect and he knew he was not a good father. We are trying to rebuild a relationship. It may not be picture perfect but it's a start. Try to forgive not because you are catholic but because it will heal your relationship with your father and it will also heal you.

Answer 3

If you at some point decide that you would like to forgive him than that should really be your idea and not your Moms. You have to feel it in your heart and when your ready, not when your Mom tells you too and she is ready. She seems to have taken an awful lot from him and made excuses for him all the time. She can see why HE has done certain things in his life but cant understand why you have done things in your life.She doesn't see that his neglect over the years has made hurt and resentful. Don't be pushed into anything by your Mother. She obviously has allot of issues. Your Father needs to understand what he has done and that walking back into your life isn't as easy as he thinks. Try to forgive him if you can and understand that everybody has their reasons for being who they are good and bad. But forgive in your own time.

Answer 4

First of all I would like you know how old you are before I answer your question. Then if you are old enough and mature enough. Yes, go to your father and sit down and TALK. It is the only father you will ever have. Listen to him with a open mind. Everyone has a story. Maybe you might want to know him before you judge him. You was a kid. Kids don't know best. If and when you become a parent things change in our hearts and it may become to late for you. The problems with families now days they all judge each other and lie on each other to keep the favor of another.Maybe he has changed in 5 years. Yes he could have reached out to you all these years and you could have too. Maybe he feels like he failed you and not worthy of your love. It's not to late to talk and find out. Better go it now before you turn 50 plus and he is dead and gone. You can't go back sweety. At least try. Put the first foot forward and talk. And if I was you, I would clean up my language before I go. It wouldn't be very lady like to cuss and scream. Find out what is in his heart before you judge. Show him that you have grown from his mistakes, and remember always love your parents. You don't know what they are thinking either. It just might be a new beginning to a great friendship. If it doesn't work, live your life full and learn from other people so you yourself don't get sucked into a bad relationship. Pray for your father.

Answer 5

Forgiveness is certainly good for the soul, that's true, but has he even asked for it? It's possible that, at some point, you may feel the need to deal directly with him. In the meantime. I would strongly recommend some type of counseling (have you looked into Al-Anon?) to help you deal with all of this. Recognize this: you haven't done anything wrong, and your mother needs to back off and let you deal with this without her warped advice on how a daughter ought to act in such a situation. Shame on her.

I wish you peace, and strength in the coming days.

Answer 6

Your mom is in a Catholic "fog" as I call it. She wraps everything in religion. You did not say whether they were still married. I am guessing not since you said you had not seen him in 5 years and you obviously see you mom. My own dad was and alcoholic and worse. I have not spoken or seen him in 10 years. He has not asked for forgiveness, repented, shone remorse or anything else. I have not forgiven him either, but nor do i worry to much about him. Your mom has some problems and she needs to deal with them through counseling. You seem OK and you do not have to forgive him for being the selfish prick that he was and still is.
Find the back bone and tell your mom to stuff her idea of forgiveness. she could blindly follow a stupid man but you do not have to.

Answer 7

I feel ur pain...my dads an alchy..used 2 hit my mom. They r still married..she doesnt realize how scarred my sister & I r. My sis went thru 10yrs of abuse from her hubby. I am the youngest of 3..I'm the only 1 who put him in jail 4 the night. I HATE my father SOOOO much but yet how can I LOVE him SOOO much? I remember more bad times than good times. I don't see them as often as I should. I've told him b4 how I feel that I know the things he's done behind my mothers back while she was working. He denies it all. I still talk to him..cause hes my dad & my children love him. I will never forget & he knows that. You can MAYBE forgive him but you will NEVER FORGET. I don't forgive him for what he's done nor will I ever forget..but I know that if I don't stay in contact w/him...they day he passes away I will hurt.

Answer 8

My opinion is that you can not forgive him until that is something that YOU decide to do. I don't think it is your moms place to ask you to forgive him.
Weather you are Catholic or whatever, forgiveness has to be something you want for yourself. I don't think you are any less of a person because you don't want to forgive him.
Eventually, you may decide that being hurt & angry over how he was is not worth the energy. That would be the time to approach forgivenss. One of my favorite quotes on forgivess is "forgivenss is nothing more than letting go of all hope that the past could be any different." When you get to that point, you get to that point - no one can force you there. If you never do, that is ok too.
Give yourself permission to be yourself, and do what you need to do for you. I think that is all God ever truly asks of us.

Answer 9

I feel your pain. I have been there done that..but I never quit talking to my Dad. And he did molest me. No one knew until I turned 29. I still haven't told my mother and won't...she is 73...why should I at this late date? He is 77 and on a feeding tube. Yes, he made our lives miserable. Yes , he made my life horrible....and I have had ALOT of problems since because of all of it. For some reason, after I got married and moved 800 miles away, I still kept in contact with my parents. I didn't hold a grudge. I held in a resentment towards my Mom for not knowing things and not divorcing him and making my life better....but I never showed it. I hate confrontation. I just held it all in.
Now I am married with 3 kids....after 23 yrs. of living with an emotional/mental/verbally abusive husband, I had an affair. I met a man who was good to me. My husband locked me out of the house and is trying to take my 12 yr. old from me. My daughter. My parents are siding with my husband. Even though my Dad would not allow my husband in his house for 8 yrs., ALL OF A SUDDEN they are buddies and he is allowed over. I am so mad. Because I looked to someone else for real love and attention that I never got....I get shunned and cut down. I did do wrong....but unfortunately I feel justified after all those years of abuse. And I know God doesn't see it that way. But I do.
Have I forgiven anyone? No. The older I get the harder it is not to be mad and angry and it is affecting my life...all aspects. I know forgiving everyone, especially my husband and Dad and maybe myself, is the only way to have peace. I just can't let go of the anger....why is that? I have gone to counseling but it just makes me madder...and it makes me mad that someone might ask me to forgive and forget....sorry, I am sure I didn't answer your question....I just wish I had the guts you have to express your true feelings....I just keep it all inside. I am 45.

Answer 10

You do not have to forgive your father---sounds like you have the problem with the mother. Women put up with a lot of bull when children are involved...Talk to your mom.Forgiveness should only come from the heart, if not you are only fooling yourself.Best wishes....