Through many words of advice I've been told not to go back to him because of his past behavior and patterns when he is in a relationship. He is going to jail for 90 days because a year and a half ago he got his 4th offense drunk driving. We have been apart for a year seeing each other of and on. He asked me to remain faithful to him while he is in jail and when he gets out we will see if we can mend the fences so to speak. Is this fair to me? I've wasted 4 years of my life begging him to quit drinking and now since he as quit he wants me to forget and move on. He also made a comment to me that one day he may be able to social drink again. Should this scare me away? I'm very confused and I just want to be happy one day. Your advice please?
2006-10-25 04:22:39 · 8 answers · asked by Marianne2006 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Hi, I am married to an alcoholic. He has been to jail, AA, every substance abuse class the state has for convicted DWI drivers. This has been hell for my family and I. Now, he is court ordered to stay/live in a rehab facility. He has not drank for 6 months now. He has finally admitted with in the past year that he is sick. That he knows he can never go to a bar and "socially" drink.
It should scare you. This is not a lifestyle I would have chosen. My husband is a good man who has made poor choices. YOU have to ask yourself if he is able to stay sober- is he someone you still want in your life? Or are there other issues? Believe me, the road toward sobriety is rough, but I am truly glad I hung on and did not give up.
Until HE wants to be sober- you are fighting a losing battle. The alcohol wins everytime until HE fights it. Even then it still wins sometimes. Probation has squat nothing to do with it. 48 hours for alcohol free urine- maybe less.
2006-10-25 04:57:25 · answer #1 · answered by rottymom02 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry that you and your son are living like this. This is not your fault. You can't change her and clean her up. That is her job. She is about as low as she can go if she's on probation. Too bad therapy wasn't a condition of her probation. Alcoholics only think of themselves. They're selfish and full of excuses and love to blame their problems on everyone else. She will never give you the love and the kind of home life that your son should have as long as she's drinking. The only solution that I see is for you and your son to move. Tell her it is temporary until she's sober for at least 6 months to a year. You can wait a year to start the divorce paperwork. Since you're out of work I hope you can stay with a relative, even if it's just for a week or two to get some balance and peace in your life. She can only visit with you and your son if she is sober. That has to be a condition. Don't let her make you a slave. She is manipulating you. It would be better for her to spend her evenings at AA than night school. Her degree is meaningless until she's sober. Good luck. Be strong. I hope you find some help in counseling for yourself and Ala-Non and church. You can't live like this. She'll make you crazy and your son unstable. She may not be able to stop on her own and will need a 30 day in-patient treatment program. If she does that, then you and your son can stay in the home. If she refuses, start packing. It will get worse before it gets better.
2016-05-22 12:53:20 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I assume that he is on probation and that is the only reason he hasn't drunk anything for 10 months. If he gets caught drinking, he will serve more jail time. You have every reason to be scared at the thought of him drinking socially again. He has put you through alot over the last 4 years and sounds like he might be one of those drinkers who likes to control others. And you waiting for him while he is in jail seems to me he is trying to control your life.
There are many people who have quit drinking and have stayed sober for years. But, those people admitted to being an alcoholic and worked on getting better for themselves. Right now, I think you should only remain friends with him and go on with your life. You can support him as a friend to help him remain sober. I wouldn't trust him if he is thinking about drinking before he even goes to jail. You deserve to be happy and not be scared each day of your life not knowing what will happen. Your relationship with him has been rocky over the years and it may never change to the better. I hope everything works out for you and wish you the best of luck.
2006-10-25 05:28:31 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I do believe people can change but the fact that he is trying to find a way to drink socially again isn't a good sign. He's made it this far, he should just give it up for good since he sees that alot of bad stuff happens when your drinking gets out of control. If I were you I'd encourage him to go to AA meetings while he is in jail and think about the fact that he is lucky that nothing worse happened like killing someone while he was drunk driving. I don't think you should make any promises to him right now. Remain in contact as a friend and tell him you'll see what happens when he gets out.
2006-10-25 04:31:11 · answer #4 · answered by vanhammer 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you want to be happy one day...run, run away. Fourth offense drunk driving!
The only reason he's not going to drink is because he'll be sitting in jail. Any alcoholic who has himself convinced he can "drink socially" has not come to terms with his illness, and is certainly not ready to stop. He has to hit his own rock bottom, you can beg him to stop drinking till you turn blue in the face, it won't change a thing. You can't control him or his drinking, but you can choose a better, more productive life for yourself. You've wasted 4 years of your life, move the heck on, don't look back.
2006-10-25 04:42:32 · answer #5 · answered by Ceajae 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You ask if it were fair to you? NO. Hun the only reason he's not drinking now is because of what he's facing....JAIL.Alcohol is an addiction, you need to let him alone. When he's in jail, just get on with your life. He just wants to keep you hanging on. If he was serious about quitting, he would have done it, for you, a long time ago. A leopard doesn't lose it's spots, they can try to hide them. Think of your happiness ...........ONLY
2006-10-25 04:49:46 · answer #6 · answered by Maw-Maw 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Did he go to AA classes or did he quit cause he went to jail? I tend to say I would not go back to him because if he feels he can social drink it can only lead to full on drinking. I would talk to him and tell him drinking would be off limits all together and if he can not agree I would not stay.
2006-10-25 04:32:38 · answer #7 · answered by lpdecca 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As one who is familiar with AA, I would live you life now. Don't make any sort of commitments to this person until he has been clean and sober for at the very least, a year.
2006-10-25 05:24:41 · answer #8 · answered by Maddie 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋