When your child comes to you as an adult, and tells you this?

Question

If your child came to you once they were grown and married, and they come to you and tell you my husband/wife and I are having marital problems, do you send them back to work things out with their spouse, or let them stay...after all, it is STILL your child? I don't know what i'd do but I do know that sometimes it's not the parents business to be in their child's relationship. Are all parents supposed to take a neutral stance in their children's marital affairs? Isn't that hard?

Oh sorry! I meant to add that they had left their spouse, and came to stay with you.

This is NOT my situation, I am just posing a question. I would help my child, but I don't think it's my business to interfere with their marriage unless something life threatening is going on.

Answer 1

Sure it is hard, it is your child. The neutrality stuff is to keep parents from being problems, so don't get too tied up into neutrality. If they ask, tell. If they hurt, listen. While you are listening, make sure you aren't about to help the bad guy be the bad guy, which is not neutrality, its a responsible parent saying yet once again, "I didn't teach you that, straighten up and do what's right kiddo."

Answer 2

You are supposed to be neutral in their marital affairs, but you are also there to support and comfort your child. If they need a place to stay then if able you provide it, but encourage them to seek marriage counseling and to try to work things out. If they want to open up about what happened then listen and offer support but not advice, it will come back to haunt you! Never bad mouth and when they do don't agree, remain neutral in that aspect as well. Hugs and a place to get your head on is what you should provide! Good Luck!

Answer 3

I think you let them stay.

It's certainly not the parents' business to be in their child's relationship under normal circumstances. But if it's going so badly that they have split up, then you - as an older person with experience of relationships - should give your child the benefit of your advice. That's not interfering, that's trying to help.

Just be careful, it's never appropriate for you to say negative things about the other partner. Try to stand back and think of the two people involved impartially.

Answer 4

I applaud the parents who realize they need to stay out of their kids' marriages. I think this is a big reason why so many couples have problems--parents and in-laws butting in and giving unwarranted advice. However, if your child came to you and ASKED for help, I don't know why you wouldn't want to give it. At the very least, you could be a sounding board. If they came to you and said my wife and I are splitting up, I need a place to say for a while, and that was it, drop it. Let them move in and if they want to discuss it with you, they will when they're ready.

Answer 5

My middle daughter did just that. She was allowed to move back home, but was told that resolving the difficulties with her marriage was up to her. We did suggest marriage counselling. There was a small child involved - our granddaughter - who needed shelter too, which certainly influenced our decision to let her mother move back home. My daughter was informed, however, that as an adult, she was expected to pay rent and contribute to the food budget if mom and/or pop did the cooking for her and grandchild. Daughter got work, and has just completed her Associate's degree and is looking for better work. She chose to divorce her husband, and we did not interfere in any way. Hard? Sure - no parent wants to see their child fail. But life happens, and it ain't always picture perfect.

Answer 6

As a parent I would allow my son to move back home if ever he needed to... for whatever (reasonable) reason. And I like to think that if I ever needed a soft place to land... my parents house will always be "home" (that is if my home with my hubby no longer was).

It would be one thing for a parent to allow their child to move back home in a bind and another to get involved in the relationship with the spouse. One can choose to remain neutral and as unbiased as possible. And it would always be beneficial to remain neutral in regards to others relationships whenever at all possible... since people break up and reunite often.

So... to answer your questions...

1. I would not "send them back to work things out with their spouse". I might ADVISE that they do this... but I would try not to turn my child away in a time of need.

2. All parents aren't "supposed" to do anything... other than what they feel is in the best interest of their child. It would, obviously, be best to remain as balanced and neutral as possible... but as parents it's not always as cut and dry as that.

3. Yes, it is hard to remain impartial when it comes to your kids.

Answer 7

i would let him or her stay with you, and try to find out what the situation is...try to talk to him or her and get both sides of the story, maybe mom can act as a counselor....sometimes it just takes a little wise advice from someone who's older and wiser. I think giving them a break apart, might be good so they can figure things out in their head. By the way, you sound like a good mother-in-law anyways,always being neutral and offering advice is not bad thing, as long as it's not one sided.

Answer 8

you should be an ear and a shoulder to cry on, but I would avoid passing judgement or giving your opinion or advice because it will always blow up in your face every time. However, if abuse is a factor, be very clear that you are against reconcilliation, but try to get some support for you and your child from an organization that helps battered spouses.

Answer 9

if they needed a time out to think of what they might want to say to their spouse - one night seems sufficient. Anything over a night becomes them hiding from their problems and you would never want to be an enabler.

feed them and let them be, anything negative you say would be hurtful, especially if it was just a heated argument and they made up and all was well, your child would always think that you secretly hated the spouse . . .

Answer 10

I would let them stay and support them however I could without taking sides. Sometimes all they need is a little space, time to think. and a shoulder to lean on. Just don't make the mistake of pointing out their husband/wife's faults, that is really not your concern. All you need to do is listen.