help me with my grieving boyfriend!!!?

Question

my bf and his ex had a baby that died 2 days before she was delivered, they found out IN delivery. and now he and i experienced a miscarriage too. but it was in April. he hasnt said a word about it since i recovered from my DNC. i feel that it eats at him and i sure want to talk about it so how do i bring it up. my bf is alll funny, no serious romance, no feelings, except when i was pregnant. i want to have a baby but not before we resolve the last ones death. afterall how can we plan a pregnancy knowing our pasts that are unresolved

Answer 1

At the risk of sounding unsympathetic, I wonder why you would want to have a child with someone who only showed real interest and affection when you were pregnant. You want to have a baby, but you have to look beyond what you want and consider what kind of life your child would have with your boyfriend. Just because he shows interest in you while you're pregnant does not mean the interest will continue once the baby is born. Will you be able to count on your boyfriend to support you and your child financially and emotionally? Will your boyfriend be involved in and committed to your child's life or will he become just another "Baby Daddy"?

A conversation about the end of your pregnancy is long overdue. If neither one of you has been able to discuss it since April, you may not be ready for parenting. Your relationship may not be in a place where having a child makes sense. First, he may not have said anything about it because it's not eating at him in the same way it might concern you. If he's "no serious romance, no feelings" he may figure that it's over and that's that. Where he's concerned, there may not be anything to resolve. But, since you want to talk to him, I'd say something like: "We really haven't talked about my pregnancy since we lost the baby. How do you feel about what happened?" I would also ask him if he wants to try again before getting pregnant.

I think there's a lot more to be considered, and a little more at stake, than talking to your boyfriend about how he feels. You may want to consider how staying with him, and having a child at this point in your life, will make your life better.

Answer 2

I am sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I am also sorry to hear about the baby. I cannot imagine what he is going through, nor do I ever want to experience this. My wife had a miscarriage last year with a D&C. Does your boyfriend feel that these misfortunes are his fault? If he does that is very unfortunate. Since they are noones fault. There needs to be some time that you feel comfortable talking to your boyfriend about everything that has gone on in his life. Whether you plan a special night where it is just the two of you, or go out hiking or something. I am not very good at giving advice!

Just to let you know, my wife is now 23 weeks pregnant after her miscarriage. At least you know that you can get pregnant, that is after all the hardest part of pregnancy. Your BF needs to be reassured that it is not his fault and there is another chance.

Whatever happens, best of luck to you and your boyfriend. I will keep you in my prayers.

Answer 3

Do not have a baby to solve the problem. You are absolutely
correct to hold off on conception until this is resolved - assuming
he is ambivalent. If HE wants to have a child and you think it
is for the usual reasons and not to just make the pain go away,
then ... maybe ...

I do not want to make light of this - but you grieve over what you
grieve over. It can be a pet, it can be a potential person, it can be
an event ... it is not for any of us to judge what his grief should
look like.

It is possible that he may not be able to handle this himself
without help - or he may take a really really long time. You
will not be able to "make him happy" though - this is something
that you can be there for him, but you cannot fix.

I think you should be honest with him - tell him that you need
him to be a full and functional partner and that it is OK to hold
off for awhile while he works things out.

Tell him that you're not going anywhere - and that you want
to have children ... and that he's worth waiting for.

Answer 4

You have to talk to a Doctor. Many more girls than you might think have miscarriages during their first pregnancy.

It may be morbid, but a grief councilor with some medical background can help him to understand that it is not his fault or your fault, but it is the way of the uterus. Sometimes, it really does happen quite frequently. It is horrible for a man to have to internalize these feelings because they are so far removed from understanding the female anatomy to begin with.

Just make an appointment, ask him to come with you and just bring him in with you. Don't ask first because pain sometimes prevents us from being able to deal with the very things keeping us from dealing if you see what I mean?

Don't wait for him to become "ready." because I don't think anyone ever gets over that... I lost three before I had my oldest son. One (my first) was lost six months into the pregnancy.

It is hard but it honestly does happen much more than people think.

Peace to you and deal with one another lovingly and compassionately with understanding.

Answer 5

I had two miscarriages before having my son. We both felt some sort of personal blame for it. It sounds crazy, but when you don't know why, you blame yourself. Your boyfriend might have a lot of that going on in his head.

My OBGYN at the time tried to explain it from his medical "side" for the tragedy. He told me that only 70% of all pregnancies result in a "live" birth. Nature is not always perfect, and sometimes it corrects itself in ways that hurt us. Know one ever thinks that "my" pregnancy won't end with a chubby baby in your arms.

It did not make me feel better, but it did offer a different view of what I could not control. Time will help, but talking through the disappointment and hurt helped the best.

Answer 6

Maybe he is just feeling overwhelmed right now. And maybe waiting to get pregnant again is the answer, and you should go to the doctor and find out the reason you had the miscarriage and she should go to the doctor to see why her baby died two days before she was delivered. Give him some time maybe he'll come around to being his old self again.

Answer 7

First off, why arent you married, instead of him being your "boyfriend"? He has bigger issues than that, if he cant commit to you or his "ex".

It sounds like he needs to grow up and become a man, instead of trying to make babies all over the place with a dozen different women.

Take some responsibility in his life, before he brings in "new life" into the World.

Whats he going to do, after you get a baby, then give someone else a couple too?

Sorry for being so critical, but, he needs counceling for more than the loss of a child. He needs counceling on adult responsibilities.

I wish you well..

Jesse

Answer 8

What makes you think it's eating him up inside? For many people, a miscarriage is not a loss they can relate to. He may think he went through something in that delivery with his ex and that you haven't a clue about his true suffering. I'm not saying I agree with that, I'm just saying it's best not to have imaginary relationships, but real ones.

You talk to him is how you talk to him. Honey, I think so often about my miscarriage. How are you doing with the losses? Then, I don't know how the miscarriage is affecting you, or if it is. Can you talk to me about it?

I agree with those who say you should consider marriage before having a baby. Babies do much better in a married, two parent family. Babies need a mommy to stay home with them, nurse on demand, really devote herself to them. These mommies need stable, steady daddies proud to help their baby get what he/she NEEDS. Typically, it's the dad who's willing to marry who is up to providing that support. There's exception, and I'm just an old fuddy duddy, but I can't even begin to imagine why one wouldn't insist on being married before making a baby.

Answer 9

I think the first step is to focus on yourselves. You are right. You need to sit him down and tell him your feelings. Tell him that you feel that you both need to talk. If not for his feelings but for yours. Mabey talk about getting married first? This will make for a more secure future for your next baby. I am very sorry for the losses you both have had, I have had losses of my own, but can only imagine how the pain could be for any mom and dad. Everyone deals with things differently. And mabey he just needs time. tell him you worrie about his feelings. Also mabey leave out some information on dealing with the loss of a baby. Like this:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/pregnancy-loss/PR00098

just print some info out and leave it on the counter or something. Give him time alone to read. then mabey tell him it is ok to cry.

Answer 10

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I have a one year old daughter and cannot imagine. I am not sure if this will help or not. My husband recently lost his mother for days i wasn't even allowed to look at him. Let alone smile (even at my daughter) It hit him so hard for weeks I couldn't laugh, not for anything. In time he came around. I tried to really push it out of him after some time. I told him over and over just to cry and let it out, I would hold him and tell him to talk to me. I know he doesn't like to talk but I do bring it up. I know he can't hold it in forever. In time I hope your b/f will come around. Have you done anything for the baby? A funeral or memorial? that may help having somewhere/something to morn over. I wish the two of you all the best. My wishes to you both.