I'm really bored?

Question

Can someone please tell me a good joke?

Answer 1

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when suddenly...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet."

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that.....Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, with Pepe following more slowly at a distance, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.. . . .

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....


"Ees.....





Ees.....






Ees.....

Ees, a Ham Bush"

Answer 2

advantages and disadvantages!!

BEER VS ***** "= other word for a cat"

It is time to do a comparison between two things treasured by men, beer and a woman part (= *****)
Sourche: http://www.crazyjokes.tk

A beer is always wet.
A ***** needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A ***** tastes better served hot.
Advantage: *****.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold ***** makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
***** does not.
advantage: Tie

If you get a hair in your teeth
consuming *****, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: *****

24 beers come in a box.
A ***** is a box you can come in.
Advantage: *****

Too much head makes you mad at the
person giving you a beer.
Advantage: *****.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is
still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer,
your wife may get mad. If you come home
smelling like *****, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

Answer 3

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her
husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her
husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black
suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank
check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the
coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the
director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left, another deceased was brought in,
this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the
same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her
husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with
her. So . . . I switched the heads"

Answer 4

I can't remember how it goes exactly, but I'll try to tell it well anyway

3 guys where driving in the desert when their car broke down. The guys decided that they might as well try and find civilization. The first guy went to the car and took all the water.
The other guys asked him "why did you take all the water?"
He responded "So when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink"
The second guy goes to the car and takes all the food.
The other two guys asked, "why did you take all the food?"
He replied, "So when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat."
The third guy goes to the car and rips off the car door.
The other two look puzzled and ask "why did you take the car door?"
He replied "so that when I get hot, i can roll the window down."

When I first read that, I couldn't help but laugh.

Answer 5

theres abesr, a lion, and a chicken all sat together talking when the bear and lion start discussing how scared other animals are "when they roar" this carrys on for sometime when the chicken interupts and says "is that all? all i have to do is sneeze or cough and the whole world s***s its self"

Answer 6

I like the Mexican joke!
Here's a short one for you:
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lickalotapus

Answer 7

So a guy goes to a psychiatrist wearing cling-film shorts and before he can tell his woes the doctor says "sir, i can clearly see your nuts"

Answer 8

So am I, babe. Not very good at telling jokes, though.

Answer 9

Mary had a little bike
She rode it round the front
Everytime the wheels went round
The spokes went up her .... (inside leg)


Mary had a little bike
She rode it on the grass
Everytime the wheels went round
The spokes went up her .... (back)

Answer 10

How do you turn a duck into a Blues singer?

Put him into the oven until his bill wither's.