Heard any good jokes lately?

Question

Make me laugh!

Answer 1

An American, a Russian and a blonde were sitting down discussing whose launch was greater.

The Russian says, "We are better because we circled the globe first!"

The American replies, "No! we are the best because we went to the moon first!"

The blonde says, "You guys are both wrong. The blondes are the best because we are going to land on the sun!"

The American and the Russian look at each other in horror and state together, "You can't land on the sun -- you'll burn and die!!!"

The blonde just laughs at them and says, "We're not stupid. We plan to go at night!"

Answer 2

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

Answer 3

Two guys are sitting at a bar, guy A and guy B. Guy A says to guy B, "You know, the updraft around this building is so strong it can carry the weight of a human being."

Guy B looked doubtful and said nothing. The bartender however, gave guy A an awkward look.

"No, I'm serious, watch....." guy A takes two shots, runs over to one of the full length windows, opens it, and does a suicide dive through.

"HOLY S#!T!!!!!!" guy B heads for the window but before he gets there, guy A is suddenly thrown back in, rolls to his feet, and takes his seat at the bar.

Guy B is convinced at this point that he's had too much to drink. "Great, now I'm seeing things..." The bartender frowns at guy A. Guy A raises an eyebrow in response. Again, he takes two shots, runs to the open window and jumps out. Seconds later, he's thrown back in again, rolls to his feet, sits at the bar.

Guy B is floored. "I didn't imagine that." Guy B ponders for a moment..... "F**k it..." He takes two shots, runs to the open window, jumps out, and falls twenty stories to his death.

The bartender shakes his head, pours a smiling guy A a shot, and says, "You know, you can be a real a$$hole when you're drunk, Superman."

Answer 4

Blonde in a Car

A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, ''I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?''
''Why sure,'' said the manager, ''we have something that works especially well for that.''

A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice. ''No, no! A little to the left,'' said the other blonde inside the car.

Answer 5

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"

Answer 6

Ok here's one.
Last night I was down the pub, when this bloke came running in, he went up to a man and asked, Excuse me, but is that your rottweiller outside, The other man said Yes why? The fist man said, I'm really sorry but my poodle has just killed it. The man laughed, how could your poodle kill my rotweiller? The first man said, Your rotweiller choked on it.

Answer 7

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The b oy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says,"$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

Answer 8

A priest, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up at them and says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Answer 9

if you want funny jokes click my avatar and you will laugh for a very long time

Answer 10

what does Michal Jackson like about 28 year-olds?










the fact that there are 20 of them