My husband works full time (night shift) and after taxes, makes enough to pay my mom for watching our two kids during the week, with maybe $100 left over for "incidentals." The only drawback is that we get a discount on our auto insurance through his employer. What do you guys think of him refusing to be a SAHD? My solution was for him to work weekends--basically enough to keep our auto ins discount, put a few bucks in his pocket, and have some "adult" time with friends/coworkers. He is adamantly refusing. He's working to pay daycare, basically. Right now, we pay all bills off my salary, and other than the auto insurance discount (which would continue if he worked weekends) there is no drawback that I can see to him staying home. Opinions? Advice? Reasons why he should/shouldn't stay home? I'm going to show him all answers, so please be honest (no matter what your opinion is!).
2006-09-28 07:35:20 · 21 answers · asked by brevejunkie 7 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
As for bringing home the bacon, I don't know that this is an issue as I am the bread winner in the family.
2006-09-28 07:40:49 · update #1
jt brought up the point I forgot to mention--time with kids is priceless. True they're being cared for by my mom, but she's MY mom--not theirs. Why work if it's only to pay daycare, and you are physically and mentally able to care for your own kids?
2006-09-28 07:44:03 · update #2
Many respondants seem to feel that I'm FORCING him to do this. Quite the opposite. (Guess I should have mentioned this in my original post.) We talked several months ago and HE decided he was going to quit work, take care of our boys full time, and go to school part time in the evenings when I arrived home from work. Now all that has changed, and I'm not sure why. And I've never rubbed it in his face that I'm the breadwinner. He knows it; I know it; but that's that--I never mention it.
2006-09-28 07:58:41 · update #3
I wouldn't want to force him to stay home full time with the children if he is adamantly against it. They would sense his reluctance and perhaps interpret it as a lack of love. Not a lot of men can be stay-at-home Dads. It is an extremely difficult job. If he wants to work full-time to pay for your Mom to take care of the children, then so be it. Good luck to all of you, this is a tough situation.
2006-09-28 07:46:37 · answer #1 · answered by Ms. G. 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
my opinion is that I think he needs to know what he is getting into. Being a stay at home parent is tough. I have always been the family bread winner, (my husband was in school) but now he is graduated and I am the stay at home mom. He works all the time and expects alot out of me because I stay at home. Depending on how many kids you have is how hard it will really be. I have two girls, 4 and 5. And they go to school, witch means volounteer hours there, and helping with homework, and cleaning house, and feeding time, and bed time, and reading time, and doing all the laundary, and dishes and total house work. When my hubby took over the work thing and I took over the house thing, It has been hard trying to get everything done. I refuse to let my hubby help all the time becasue it is my job to maintain the house. I think if your hubby thinks he can handle this big job then great. But I would make sure he knows that you will not be helping all the time. I think that if one person stays at home(mom or dad) then they have to take responsability of the whole house. Not just being a babysitter. This means he should have to do all the house cleaning, kid watching, laundary doing, responsabilities. But my hubby did it and I am sure yours could to. My hubby is thankful that he did. He spent good time with his kids, and they all have a great relationship now because of it. Here are some links to look at also.
http://www.slowlane.com/
http://fatherhood.about.com/od/stayathomedads/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stay_at_home_dad
http://www.fatherville.com/Articles/Stay_At_Home_Dads/
2006-09-28 07:52:55 · answer #2 · answered by sr22racing 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, quite a long time ago I gave up my job to be a SAHM, not only because of the money factor (same situation as you) but also because I didn't want strangers raising my children. So in an argument for him to continue to work: at least you have your mom watching the kids, so you know what kind of values she is instilling. Secondly, although I don't regret staying at home with them at all, after several years of doing that, I definitely lost out on the opportunity to climb the corporate ladder. Therefore, also lost out on pay increases, increase vacation time, benefits, etc. You have to consider that when he goes back out to the workforce that his resume will have a period of time which is void of employment. However, the plusses of him staying home are that it is definitely less stressful, it's for a short period of time until they are in school, and he can pursue other interests while home with the kids. The children will benefit from having a hands-on Dad and you just can't get that kind of time back should you choose to be out of the picture. As a result of my being at home, I became an entrepreneur and haven't looked back. I believe you have an advantage in having your mom provide the daycare you require, and that your husband should look at both the pros and cons of leaving his position and you should discuss it together and be respectful of his decision either way.
2006-09-28 07:52:30 · answer #3 · answered by ? 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The two of you should make separate lists of the benefits and drawbacks to each situation and then discuss them with each other.
Think about the ways you were raised- how did your care arrangements make you feel? What hopes and dreams do you have for your kids?
It'll be a LONG talk, maybe one that needs to be spread out over time, but in the end thinking about these things will help you come to the decision that's right for your family.
Remember: not everyone is cut out for work outside the home, and not everyone is cut out for working inside it, either.
2006-09-28 07:51:45 · answer #4 · answered by craftladyteresa 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why is it so important for you that he stay at home? If your kids are happy, your mother is happy and your husband is happy what is the problem? Now, if your mom has an issue with continuing to take care of your kids then I think you might want to sit down and talk to your husband and come to some sort of solution together. Or maybe this is an issue of you are tired of him working the night shift. If that is the problem you need to tell him that you want him home at night. Otherwise it seems to me like you have just decided what should be done and to heck with what anyone else might think or feel. And that is not going to work for anyone...
2006-09-28 07:50:46 · answer #5 · answered by Barbiq 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What kind of atmosphere would the kids be living in if you MADE your husband stay at home with them? He has already told you that he doesn't want to do this. It is enough that you already put him down by making comments like "I am already paying all our bills now, so his bringing home the bacon is irrelevant" or however it was you worded it.
Your husband is a man who feels he has to be allowed to contribute what he can. And what he is contributing is enough of a salary to pay your mom for looking after your kids.
You have no more "right" to push him to become a housewife, than he has to demand the same of you.
Does your husband put you down as easily as you do him? Maybe what he should be doing is looking for a woman who won't treat him as incidental, and worth nothing but a way to save on day care and car insurance!?
Shame on you.
2006-09-28 07:55:11 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I think SAHD are great IF that is what THEY want! For some men, they feel that they must provide and see staying home as a failure to provide for their families. For others, the time spent with their kids is worth everything. I am a mom who is working to pay daycare and provide insurance for our family (I have one child who will be uninsurable if he loses insurance coverage or in about $10,000 in our current coverage). I need to work for my mental health, but admire stay at home parents. YOu and your hubby are the onl ones who can make this choice, because you are the only ones who know what is right for your family. I'll pray for you as you make this difficult decision.
2006-09-28 07:44:24 · answer #7 · answered by sm2f 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's an ego thing. Most men don't feel it's cool to stay home with the kids. Just tell him that times have changed - stop being a boy and be a man. An extra $100 these days really isn't worth much. Time with you kids is PRICELESS. OK, cheesy, but true!
2006-09-28 07:40:59 · answer #8 · answered by jt 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You mean he's refusing to do what you want to force him to do? Isn't that a decision you both would have to come to? You are there, but if he is not, then it won't work. He doesn't want to do it. Most men feel that they need to work to support his family. He is contributing. That is good. That is where part of his WORTH is. Without him having a sense of worth and honor, you've got much bigger problems on your hands. You have looked at both of your incomes and made a DIVISION, a separation. Those two things are a LACK OF UNITY. Don't go splitting hairs. You feel that your solution would be a logical, economical solution, but there is obviously more to it. You didn't tell us his side other than he refuses to do what you've proposed. Be glad FAMILY and not strangers keep your kids. That is very important. My suggestion is to be sure to meet in the middle, not just on your side of the highway. Peace.
2006-09-28 07:40:51 · answer #9 · answered by Sleek 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
personally i cant stand not to work....maybe this is his stance also...although i must say that i would love to be able to have someone at home taking care of the domestic things....women are more instinctive about these things though and it may be hard for him to let go of his responsible end of your monetary matters...if it aint broke dont fix it...if youre able to pay your bills and still have some funds left over, what do you care what he does with his time so long as it supports the family unit...if you only want him to stay home because he'll be home at night with you then either he would need to find a day job or you would have to learn to be a little less selfish......hey you asked for honesty no matter what
2006-09-28 07:48:42 · answer #10 · answered by cookiesmom 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋