HELP! Overbearing future mother and father-in-law?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 and a half years. We are totally in love and are both laid back so we just fit perfectly together. For the past 2 years I have been in grad school and just graduated in May. We have discussed getting engaged once I was out of school and I remember earlier in the year I couldnt wait to graduate because he and I really wanted to get married. Now, 4 months past graduation the last thing I want to do is get married. Why you ask? His parents are starting to pressure us into planning a wedding. His dad said, "The biological clock is ticking". Why is he talking about my biological clock? I am very close to my parents but they have never pressured me into anything so I am having a hard time taking in the comments his parents make. It is starting to scare me into not wanting to get married at all! And worst of all, I dont want to go visit them because I know the issue will be brought up. My boyfriend always defends me but they wont stop! What do I do

Answer 1

I know what you mean with in-laws. Well sortof. I love my in-laws to death. I would do anything for them, and we even live beside them. But sometimes they irrate me really bad. But we have really good communication and I just have to put my foot down. Sometimes you are the one who has to be the one who has to speak up and not your man. When it comes from him it sounds like you are telling him what to say. I would say it is time you stuck up for yourself if you want to really marry this man then you need to get some things straightened out or a few things are going to happen:
1) you will walk away from the love of your life and hate yourself
2) you will ignore and be miserable and avoid your in-laws
3) your fiance will say everything and you and your in-laws will fight like cat and dogs for the rest of your life.

So, here is what i suggest set up a dinner with you, your fiance, and his parents. Then sit down with them and tell them that you really want to get along with them but you feel like they are putting a lot of pressure on you. More then likely they will ease off and not even realize they are doing it because it sounds different coming from you, but you do need to tell you man what you are going to say (not word for word)
Good luck!

Answer 2

I had the same situation, minus the father-in-law. My Mother in law took it upon herself and decided she would plan the wedding and invite anyone she wanted. Here are a few things that we wanted-my husband wanted a groom's cake that was yellow cake, no icing, no decorations. She was appalled. It wasn't "classy". We didn't want to invite one of his aunts who said "she's not going to wear white is she". His mother forced the issue that the aunt had to be invited. She even asked me to give her the invitation and she would mail it. Well, guess what-we got the cake the way he wanted it and we didn't send an invitation to the aunt. Do you know why? Because my husband has balls and I let him handle her. He even blew up on her the night before the rehearsal dinner. Trust me on this, don't let it get this far. It was horrible. I couldn't stop crying. I wondered when had it stopped being about me and about who was going to win. Tell them as politely as possible, thank you, but we have our lives handled just fine. If he wants another kid, tell him to go get his wife pregnant. Don't let them ruin anything for you. Congrats and good luck.

Answer 3

As a matter of fact you can't ignore it, you can't just do what you and your boyfriend want because these people, like it or not, will be in your life, involved and there one way or another every day for the rest of your lives.

More people need to realize that you can't escape the in-laws no matter how hard you try or want to.

So, if you want to be with him for the rest of your life, you get them too, package deal. It's best to deal with this head on.

They make you uncomfortable and not want to be around now, imagine when you're married, imagine if/when you DO have kids...it honestly just gets worse. So, you need to make your stance very clear and do it now.

Either your boyfriend says, look, lay off (not just defending you but standing up for him, his right to not have them ruin his relationship with you) and everyone moves on or you have to say something yourself. Tell them you are not comfortable with their questions or comments. It may be difficult but it will make THEM uncomfortable for a change. It doesn't need to be confrontational because you will have the consequences to deal with for a lifetime but it's time to suck it up and speak your mind.

Answer 4

WOW his parents are completly out of line. if they wont stop even when their son tells them there is definetly a problem. you should tell your fiance that his parents are ruining everything and making you not even want to get married! tell him the truth that will give him some motivation to push the issue deeper to his parents. if they are really a problem let them have it! tell them that they are disrespecting you with the comments they make and you would appreciate if they would stop!
you are a grad school graduate you deserve mor erespect than that, not some dumb old man talking about your biological clock to everyone!

Answer 5

His dad is very rude for asking so bluntly about your fertility. Next time he says that, look him dead in the eye and say firmly, "Mr. Smith, I know you are eager for grandchildren, but my body is my business. I would appreciate it if you refrained from this issue."

His parents are probably just eager for him to make a commitment; they are afraid the relationship will drag on for a long time and then you will break up; then their son will have to start all over again and it will take that much longer for him to get married, have children, and be happily settled. Take them aside and reassure them that you DO plan on marrying their son someday, but neither of you are ready to set plans at the current time. Ask them to please trust the two of you, and not to pressure you.
Try to be firm but friendly - after all, these two are going to be your family someday.

Answer 6

simple, keep not going to their house for many months, even if you bf ask, you tell him they are scarying you and you love him. Tell him that you can live with his parent when you get marry and it is okay to take care of the older people, but I can't be disrespected in this way. What they say is making you sick. Tell him that I don't want to marry you one day and go back home for 2 week and coming back to the house for one day and going back home 2 weeks.
see where i am leading into. as this continue it will be like what my brother did, buy his own house and move out.

Answer 7

I had 2 reactions to this (I'm in a similar situation)..

First, if you love him you'll deal with them.

Second, you're going to be a part of their family for the rest of their lives if you do marry him, so you have to be sure you can handle it.

Right now, my fiance's grandmother and I are not speaking. She's crazy. She's so negative about our wedding, my ring, everthing...I couldn't take it. I told her to go b*tch somewhere else, because it's our WEDDING and we don't want to hear it.

Everyone in his family just keeps telling me I have to come up with my own way of dealing with it because it will never go away. If you love your boyfriend and want to marry him, you'll do the same. Tune them out, walk out of the room.....don't let them ruin it for you.

Heck-my mom's been asking my fiance for 2 years when she's going to get a grandchild! He told her to ask my 16 year old brother! You can't let it get to you (even though it's hard not to). Make a joke out of it, be honest with them, or just leave the room when they start talking about. Hopefully they'll get the hint.

Good luck! And be happy you have a boyfriend who defends you to them...it could be worse.

Answer 8

Where is YOUR backbone? You have got to stand up to them and say what you feel. If you are not ready for kids then tell them that straight up. Also tell them the more they make comments the more scared you get and the more you don't want to have them or this marriage. Be forward and firm and honest. if they choose to not like your answers, just remember it is not them you are in love with, it is their son. You might also want to have your man with you while your talking to them for moral support. Don't let him back out of this either. Good luck

Answer 9

This is a great example of you don't just marry one person, you marry the family. If you don't love your boyfriend enough to see past any perceived faults you see about his family, then break it off and don't marry him. However, if your dude can intervene and speak to his parents, enough to pacify you, maybe you can see your way into the family. Good luck. Just make sure you aren't putting drama into things....

Answer 10

They want grandchildren, they are ready. Just be gracious and tell them that they will be the first to know when you both are ready.

Tell them that you are not even engaged yet!!! and that that is not your fault. And that kids talk is out of the question since you are not engaged or set a date.

Good luck