How can I get on with my mother AND except her partners?

Question

I have always got on well with my mother, we're more like best friends, but she constantly asks me for my opinon on things & then rubbishes the opinion and moans about her partner to me then gets angry when I feel I cannot to talk to the man because of how badly he treats her. I feel like I can't win. I try everything to try & support and protect her but she throws it back in my face.

I have younger sisters and a brother who still live at home & even they are old enough and savvy enough to realise this man is wrong for her and treats her awfully. They get scared when they argue (my mother has already been in a violent relationship once before) & I am called to come round because the kids want to leave but my mother tells me to go & mind my own business. Two weeks later she's sending me cards & presents saying she misses me. Its very confusing.

My stubborness won't let me contact her, I don't feel I am in the wrong, but she guilt trips me with presents. What do I do?

I am 19 years old, I feel the weight of this problem on my shoulders daily. I would appreciate honest answers as I am planning to write my mother a letter and just want to be sure its not my fault this stuff happens. I try very hard to help her but it falls on deaf ears. I know it may sound like a role reversal where i perhaps treat her too much as a child but when she acts like one and asks for my help i'm put in a very difficult situation. My relationships are affected because i'm constantly thinking that what happens to my mum will happen to me. The waryness is tiring.

Answer 1

Sorry to say until your mom wants help, and gets it, she will not stop seeing these kind of men. I too am in an abusive relationship. I have just started counseling and my goodness I am really screwed up. My kids suffer because of it and it was for them I knew things had to change. Especially when they were the ones telling me to get a divorce!!! Though it may be hard you need to be the one to say, hey mom...just like what you wrote in your question...I love you, but I can't handle the quilt trips and your moaning about your partner. You may have to repeat this a few times especially when she starts the moaning part again and again! It sounds like you have lived this way before with your mom. You didn't mention how old you are, but most likely you too are affected by the kind of relationships your mom had. Take care of yourself. If mom knows she can push the right buttons she will...it is just human nature, doesn't make mom a bad mom. But, she has issues. Good Luck.

Answer 2

Ask mom to come to your place. As the conversation turns to her relationship ask her how she would feel if it were you in that situation. Lovingly explain that you want to see her with someone who treats her with respect. Someone who will be her best friend. Someone she doesn't have trust issues with.

Tell her all the things you know about her that are to be valued. Then ask her to dump the dude and make time to create a person who will attract a respectful person. Help her discover a person within herself worthy of respect and love. You may have to do this more than once or twice. Keep telling her what it is that is precious about her, remind her of who in her life respects her. Encourage her to spend time with those people.

Help her get the kids under control. They need to focus on their own responsiblilites. Homework, getting home on time, chores. Eventually they will all have to assume financial responsibility for themselves and that starts with doing what has to be done in school. Give them an avenue that is acceptable when they need some space....stay at grandmas overnite, go to a friend's house, seek out their guidance counselor at school. This may need tobe done as a family pow-wow, probably at your place. Repeat as needed.

Your mom doesn't have anything left of herself to motivate her to make a change. She's stuck spinning her wheels and doing laundry and the dishes. Help her to see the good things in herself and remind her that you only want what is best for her and the kids. Tell her you love her. Help her to develop the tools that make daily life liveable.

This apparently is going to fall on you. Your role now is Teacher. Calmly evaluate what you need to say, make notes and follow them. Repeat. Respond to issues, don't react. Stay calm. Breathe.

What you do now can influence the rest of your siblings lives and is important. They need mom to be with someone eventually who will work by her side, not tear her down. You do the same. Break the cycle deliberately and with complete assurance that this is the right path. Don't argue. If she's not in a place of acceptance just keep repeating.

I commend you for not just dumping the whole lot and taking the first train out of town. You're someone very special and the world is a better place because of you. Thank you.

Answer 3

It doesn't take any degree of skill for a parent to "Guilt Trip" their kids. Your mom wants it both ways it seems. She asks for your opinion, but she doesn't want to hear it. She whines to you about her relationships, & then tells you to mind your own business.

You are out of the house, but you still have an equal footing with your younger brothers & sisters because you are ALL her children.

As her children you don't have to acccept her partners, especially if they negatively impact your lives.

Form a united front with your sibblings, & go to your mother, not as her pals, but as her children, & tell her all about the environment you all live in because of her choices in men.
As a mother she ought to know that it's her job to provide ALL of you with a safe, happy, & nurturing enironment.
Don't tell her what she ought to do though. Just have each of you tell your own story, & how each of you feels when she makes bad choices that impact you.

If she's making bad choices in men then she needs to figure out why, & what she needs to do to stop it on her own. If she can't do that, then she may have to go see a councelor to get to the root of her problem.

Best of Luck.

Answer 4

y advice to you is,stop accepting the presents and cards,and stand your ground,think about your siblings,and tell her to grow to hell up..Your her child who seems to be the mother in this case,i do give you credit for trying but until she decides this relationship is wrong ,she`ll keep on being the victim,as hard as it might be,stand your ground and perhaps she`ll get rid of the dirtbag

Answer 5

your mom misses you and realizes that you love her and wants her to be happy. if she doesn't get out from him he might harm her in the future, and it's going to put out alot of grief on your brother & sisters . i hope she makes the right decision, and puts the kids 1st...

Answer 6

you'll have to keep an eye on her, but wait for hers decisions. if you must intervene, do it by the legal ways.