Should I tell my daughter about her father and when ?

Question

I loved my daughters father very much , but we just could not be togather. I can not be angry about that.
He has made no move to be in my daughters life and shows no desire to do so ( she will be born in less than a month) , my current SO desires to adopt her at birth. Should I ever tell her about her biological father. and if so at what age ( I have a small box of stuff that used to belong to him that I have saved for her ).

Thanks
InVis

Answer 1

My biological father and mother divorced when I was a baby, and I have absolutely no memory of him at all. My daddy adopted me when I was 4, and he's the only daddy/father I've ever known. My mother told me when I was around 12 or 13, and I didn't believe her at first. Actually, I didn't believe her until my daddy confirmed it. My biological father disappeared shortly after they divorced, and was never a part of my life- so it hadn't been a real issue. My parents decided to tell me when I was able to understand things a bit better, and I think it was a wise decision. I wouldn't have really understood any earlier I think, and probably would have just been confused. My parents told me together, and my dad was really nervous about how I would feel. I was never upset that they didn't tell me earlier. I realized my daddy was my daddy, and that was what was important to me. I've never been curious about the other man, as he was not really part of anything important beyond creating me. I wouldn't want anything of his, belonging wise- as it would have no meaning for me.

I know folks think total honesty is the best policy, but young children don't really understand the complexity of adult relationships. It will be extremely difficult to explain to a child the difference between father and daddy, and in the end- daddy is the one who is most important to have. When she is old enough to understand better- and that is something you and he will need to determine, then by all means tell and explain. But until then, daddy is the man who is there when it counts, and daddy is all she needs. If you start in with well, he's daddy but not your father, it will just confuse things needlessly. Then you'll be stuck trying to explain why one man wanted her and the other one didn't, and if it can all change again.
I'm much older now- getting close to middle age I suppose. I know things have changed, and it's not uncommon for children to have more than 2 parents- but while you are still too small to understand it all, one mom and one dad is all your little world needs. I'm glad my parents told me, I'd hate to have found it out accidently or from anyone else- so I am in favor of telling, so she hears it from both of you and you can explain. It will also be reassuring to her if your SO explains that he thought she was so special that he wanted to be her daddy. I wouldn't harp on all the details of why things didn't work out with her biological father either. First off, she doesn't need to know all the gritty details. Some parental info should just remain that way. It's mind blowing enough to realize your parents have sex anyway- so spare her the nitty gritty. Ditto on anything that suggests he didnot want her- that's just a big guilt trip with no good answers. It's enough to say he couldn't hang around, or things just couldn't work out.
I can't say if she will be curious to find him or not. I have known adopted kids who did seek out their birth parents, and the odds of happy endings are not that good. Although I could would not advise it, as long as she is well prepared to accept whatever she does discover- I would at least support her if that is what she chooses to do. Don't make her feel like she has to be deceptive about it, or by doing it she is having to choose between her daddy and biological father.
I hope this helps you make a decision. I'm glad I was told, and I'm glad I was told once I was old enough to understand. I'm also glad I wasn't the one who had to do the telling, because it seemed a lot harder on them than it was on me.

Answer 2

I personally would tell her the truth from the beginning. If your current man wants to adopt her she will still grow up with a loving father and the knowledge that her parents respected her enough to be honest.

In 18 years time or 16 even, people will be able to search things out even more than they can do nowadays and she will probably find out.

Or you could lie on the birth certificate, but what if the real dad comes back in the future when he has grown up and matured? She will have the shock of her life, at least if you are honest she will still grow up having learnt honesty and feeling loved and still be on the ball if her biological father ever turns up, knowing all the facts.

If you dont tell her, her real father could use this against you in the future, telling your daughter how you lied her to her.

I think honesty is the best policy here. Maybe you could agree with the father about the new man adopting her and see if he reacts. Maybe if he really doesnt care, you can both agree to say he left before he knew you were pregnant so your daughter doesnt feel too rejected.

Answer 3

You should tell your daughter... because it is a part of her and it's never good to deceive a child - that could just come back later and be really messy.

It is hard but you should gradually make your daughter aware of the situation as she grows up. When she's little and asking where her daddy is... explain it in terms that she would understand. Break down hard concepts into ideas she can grasp and be patient and answer her questions to the best of your abilities. There is no exact age that defines when you should tell her but you should from the beginning make it clear that your SO as a "daddy" is different from her biological daddy. Maybe by saying something like "well, this daddy is here for you every day and loves you very much. your other daddy is far away" - maybe not exactly phrased that way but something that makes a distinction. This way, when she's older and can understand abstract thoughts, it won't be as much of a shock the day that reality clicks in her mind. The transition becomes much smoother and it avoids feelings of abandonment, especially if she's got a loving mother and father in the picture supporting her. Hope this helps & good luck!!

Answer 4

Hiya

There are two things here - It is great that you have a new partner who wants to be part of the childs life. He can play a good constant father figure.

However biological dads who dissapear have a habit of turning up sometimes they are always untrustworthy but sometimes they change. THis is very stressful for the mum who feels messed around and p"£$ off and is worried about the dad hurting the childrens feelings.

If the dad agrees let your new partner adopt. However i wouldn't refuse access to the dad or his family. I have had friends whose mum did this (often for the best intentions) but the dad later spins it round and says the mum never let me contact you its all her fault blah blah.

This can be why its good to maintain contact with the dads family even if you don't keep contact with him.

You can start mentioning it to children from a small age and then it becomes a fact of life - one man gave birth but this man is your daddy and is always there for you etc.

Keep the box of stuff and give it to her. MY friend has a box of stuff from her adopted mum and a photo of her. Its just kept with all her boxes of memories.

Concentrate on providing a good loving home for your kids and then you will be able to cope with what ever the ex throws at you whether it means he never comes back or he pops in and out of the childs life or straightens his act out.

Good luck.

Answer 5

I think it's early to make any kind of decision about telling your daughter--she hasn't been born yet, and even after that it will be years before such questions will be asked by her. In the meantime you may find that the father comes around when he sees her for the first time--or not. In any case, I'd save all the stuff and wait it out--soon you'll have more immediate problems in the form of a needy baby!

Answer 6

Always be honest with your children,but do it in a way they can understand at each age.Be gentle.The sooner,the better.
My grandson never knew his father & now he is 14.His mom is making a new pick from her past all the time & trying to make him think he has a dad.The latest one is a guy who just passed away!
Now she is telling everyone he was the dad.I think I know who his father is,because my friend has a daughter by the same no good beast!
If I push the subject,he will be disapointed either way!God knew what He was saying when he said Thou shalt not "pork"around!
Kids get hurt & pack emotional scars for life!

Answer 7

I think you should tell her, SOMEDAY. It is not something that she will even have a chance of grasping for many years, so do not rob her of the bonding that she will be doing with your current significant other. Trying to explain it to her will confuse her. I would say that at an age where she can understand life and genetics and is able to fully express herself, then you can break it to her. the box of momentos is a nice thing to give her. Be prepared for her to want to meet him after she finds out. She has the right to know though, as I said, genetics play a factor here. Good luck to you, and your new family!

Answer 8

Tell her ASAP. It's never too early to start. Make it a part of her life, try to answer all her questions. That way, when she's older, she would have already come to terms with it.

My father died when i was two months old, and although my mom remarried a few years later, she made sure i knew the truth from the start. I love my stepfather and i have learnt, through my experience, that a father is someone who takes care of a child and teaches them right from wrong, not someone that just leaves your mother pregnant.

Answer 9

I think it's only fair to tell her about her real father when she will be able to understand. I feel that if you don't tell her, and she finds out from someone else, she would be angry that you kept the truth from her. I'm not sure what the right age would be, but when the moment comes, it will present itself. It's great that yoursignificant other wants to adopt her at birth. You don't find many guys who want to take that responsibility. Goodluck!!!

Answer 10

as a child, i was aware that i had a biological father out there and naturally asked about him. he was with my mom for 4 years but left her and married another woman before i was even born. i got a great stepdad that was like a real father to me when i was 10 and am grateful. you daughter should know, but its up to you to watch her and know when the right time is. i didnt meet my real father until i was 18. we had never even talked. now, hes only a TINY speck in my life, and i am GRATEFUL, not hurt that he wasnt around when i was a child. i know he wasnt right for me and my mom. so just do your best and your daughter will love and respect you for it. she may have a hard time when she is young, but as she grows up, she will see things for how they really are