Assuming Bin Laden is actually dead, as the rumors have stated today...?

Question

Is he in Heaven with a river of wine and 72 virgins?

What? I'm not allowed to ask a religious question in the R&S section? Must I be making a point, or am I allowed to ask just to see the answers I will get?

Answer 1

they mistranslated that verse

its a 72 year old virgin.

you know one of those angry old Catholic nuns ;)

Answer 2

It seems that that the report in the French news paper indicating typhoid may have killed OBL, was not substantiated. In order to fulfill the role of the mahdi (divinely guided one) of Islamic eschatologic prophecy, he must escape death. OBL is not dead, yet.

I think that Osama is in Qom, Iran, the same place as Iran's Supreme's Leader Sayyid Ali Khamenei. Remember Osama wants to bridge the gap between Sunni and Shia. The US has some control over the Musharraf government in Pakistan but not over Iran. That makes Iran the safest place for Osama. Qom and Mashad have important Muslim shrines so they are the safest cities in Iran for Osama. The Wali al Asr was hidden at Masjid Jamkaran in Qom. It would be the perfect place for Osama.

Even if the US or its allies take military action against the underground nuclear research facility at Natanz, the heavy water nuclear facility at Arak and the nuclear power plant at Bushehr, there will be no attack against the holy shrines in Qom and Mashad.

72 Questions on the 72 Virgins

By Martin M. Bodek
http://www.martinbodek.com/

Muslim fundamentalists believe that a "martyr" (shaheed) who dies while fighting in the holy war against the infidels (jihad) goes to paradise where he is given 72 beautiful virgins for wives plus a number of never aging boys for slaves (apparently, pedophilia is allowed in paradise as well as slavery and polygamy). This is the eternal bliss that the suicidal Islamic terrorists crave. In an interesting twist, if a woman dies as a martyr, she is rewarded with only one husband since women are supposed to stay monogamous even in heaven -- according to the same Islamic doctrine.

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1) What if the bomber wants girls with more experience?
2) What if one virgin is no good in bed? Does she get replaced or is he stuck with 71?
3) If he's gay, does he get male virgins?
4) What if he's celibate? What does he get?
5) What if he hasn't reached puberty yet? Does he get 72 Xboxes till he comes of age?
6) If he's bi, does he get 36 of each?
7) If he blows himself up while building the bomb, does he still get credit?
8) What do you call a relationship with 72 women, a menage-a-soixante-douze?
9) Are they like 72 wives or 1 wife and 71 concubines?
10) What if he's ugly or smells bad and the virgins don't want anything to do with him?
11) Is there viagra in paradise? Ya know, just in case?
12) Is there an age of consent?
13) When they're deflowered, do they get replaced by new virgins or are they "born again"?
14) Do they become his common-law wives eventually?
15) If he has a tryst with a 73rd virgin, do the others consider it cheating?
16) Do the virgins have a union? If so, can they strike if they're not satisfied?
17) Is there a temp agency that replaces virgins if they call in sick?
18) What if the bomber's into animals? Does he get accommodated?
19) Why 72? Is 71 too few? Is 73 too many?
20) If it was a female bomber, how do the male virgins prove their virginity?
21) What happens when paradise runs out of virgins?
22) Can a bomber make reservations on specific virgins before he blows himself up?
23) If there are no virgins available, is he put on a waiting list?
24) If he's a catholic priest, does he get 72 little boys?
25) Would you call a female bomber a bombshell?
26) Would you call a child bomber a bombino?
27) Is it not 73 out of respect for Barry Bond's home run record?
28) If the bomber previously dated one of the virgins, does it get awkward?
29) Do they have a bomb squad in paradise just in case one of the charges didn't go off?
30) Did they start using female bombers because they ran out of virgins for the guys?
31) If she's a lesbian, do they "convert" the virgins, or will straight girls suffice her?
32) Does a hermaphrodite bomber get hermaphrodite virgins?
33) If so, are there 72 available?
34) If they run out of virgins, do they get inflatable dolls till they find more?
35) If a bomber finds an infidel in paradise, can he blow him up and get 72 more virgins?
36) Could the Koran have had a typo and it actually provided just one 72 year old virgin?
37) Is Muslim hell being one of the 72 virgins?
38) Instead of 72 guys, would a female bomber settle for 1 man who does dishes and garbage?
39) Do the bombers go broke on Valentine's Day?
40) If he's monogamous, does he pick one of the 72 or does he get a supermodel?
41) What if he doesn't like either gender? Does he just klutz around in paradise?
42) Eternity is long, and eventually he'll grow bored of his 72 women. What happens then?
43) How does he pick the 72 to begin with? Lottery? Beauty pageant? Police lineup?
44) Is he allowed to covet his neighbor's virgins?
45) Do the virgins have agents and/or contracts?
46) If so, can a virgin request to be traded or put on waivers if she's unhappy?
47) What should he say if one of the virgins asks "Does this Burka make me look fat?"
48) If he gives the wrong answer, is he uh, screwed?
49) How is anyone expected to handle a catfight amongst 72 women?
50) Did the 9/11 hijackers who didn't know they were going to die get 72 virgins too?
51) Are scouts employed to find virgin talent?
52) Do the virgins ever retire, or do they remain virgins forever?
53) If they retire, what kind of pension plan do they get?
54) Wouldn't it be interesting if they're virgins because they're ugly?
55) So is it 72 Muslim girls or like 1 virgin from every culture?
56) Wouldn't it be sweet if Lorena Bobbit got hired as one of the virgins?
57) What does Gloria Steinem have to say about all this?
58) When he gets home, does he have to say "How was your day?" to all 72 virgins?
59) Do they have counseling for sexual addiction in paradise?
60) If the virgins start hogging the remote, is he in hell?
61) They must take up an entire theater when they go to the movies, huh?
62) Are there restaurants in paradise that can accommodate a reservation for 73?
63) If a virgin suffers from multiple personalities, is she considered two virgins?
64) Does he get all the virgins at once, or do they have an installment plan?
65) Is the bomber entitled to subsitutes, exchanges, or refunds?
66) What if all the king's horses and all the king's men can't put the bomber together again?
67) Is "not tonight, dear, I have a headache" a valid excuse in paradise?
68) Do the virgins come with a warranty?
69) If so, does paradise replace defective parts and provide on-site service?
70) What do you call a lifetime warranty if you're dead?
71) Do siamese twin bombers get 144 virgins?
72) Who gets to clean up all those nasty sheets?

Answer 3

I think you drank a river of wine, and someone tapped the empty bottle on bin laden's noggin. He then fell silently asleep.
I think Gratvol was right though. I also think they misquoted martyr for garter, and a lot of them will end up looking up at what they denied themselves of, for eternity! Now, that would be hell.
Being a garter belt on a 72 year old virgin, forever.

Answer 4

who knows whether he is in Heaven or Hell. but actually he was suffering from severe water borne disease and the conditions he lives in may have been been quite fatal. so who knows how long back he is dead and someone is using bin laden as a standpoint to fight their own war of opinions. whatever !!!

there are no 72 virgins for anyone -- one for each man and one for each woman. and it isnt like the companionship here on earth. in Heaven its pure companionship -- meaning not physical but it is the soul. and i am sure he must be standing before his Lord right now. thats for sure -- but what is the Judgement -- none knows.

Answer 5

The thing that is left out of Muslim teachings is that you have to leave your penis behind. How do you think they keep them virgins?
So really 72 virgins and a river of wine is akin to a Doris Day movie as opposed to a dear Penthouse letter.

Answer 6

So here is the real story of what will happen there when the time comes. It's a little long but I think that you will like it.

Bin Laden just died of thyphoid, but hey, bad luck he goes to hell. The Devil is waiting for him there with much impatience, or course. He tells him : "I don't know what I will do with you..., you are on my register, but there is no free room for you... ". He thinks about it 5 mn, then he says: "I know what I will do. I have here a few Americans who are bad, but not as bad as you are. I will send one of them to heaven, and you will take his place. And I will be nice with you, you will choose whom you will replace.".

Usama thinks that things are not so bad, and he accepts the deal.

The Devil open the first door. Inside, there is Richard Nixon in a pool, he is swimming and swimming without stopping, as soon as he comes near the edge, the edge goes back and he has to keep swimming.

"No", says Bin Laden, I am a bad swimmer and I think that I can't do that.

Second room: Georges Bush is there, with a big hammer, and he is breaking a huge heap of stones. Usama says: "No, I have much pain in my back, it would be a perpetual agony if I had to break stones whole day.".

Then the Devil opens the third door. Inside, Bill Clinton is laying on a bed. His hands and feet are tied to the bed's bars. Bent on him, Monica Lewinski is doing what she is known for.

Usama watches this incredible sight for a while, then he says : "Ok, I take this option".

The Devil says: "Fine.". He opens the door and says:
"Monica, go out, here is your substitute".

Answer 7

Chances are yes he is, really.......

But not only is that nothing compared to you we can get (we can't even imagine) you know that the wine will eventual get stale, and the virgins won't be. let alone no-one can vouch for their looks. Also, what are those virgins going to do (besides getting older a fatter, oops did I just say that)? It could be like that "got milk" commercial. he''l arrive to see all these virgins for him only to find out they're not there to do what he thinks...
hhhmmmmmmm.......

Answer 8

Yes yes, he is in Heaven. Now Bush can not worry about him. Oh wait, he never did! HA HA HA!

Answer 9

Highly doubtful.

Answer 10

no no no you guys and girl got it all wrong he is dead and with a virgin Sam missle jammed up his *** waiting to go off