I gave birth to my first child when I was 16 years old. My father made me give her up for adoption. This has really darkened my life but the bright side is me and my daughter communicate through email only with her adoptive parents' permission. (they read all the messages) My daughter is really given those people a hard time she really doesn't understand why she can't see me. We want to see each other really bad but I think we have to wait until she is 18. She is now 13. I was wondering do I have to wait until then ? She lives in Arizona and I live in Texas. Please anyone give me some advice. What can I do to see her ?
2006-09-25 16:57:50 · 18 answers · asked by starlivin1 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Other - Pregnancy & Parenting
I'm really sorry that you are having to deal with this. I do believe that her adoptive parents probably have provided her with a much more stable life than you as a 16 year old could have. So it sounds so far as if it has worked out. I'm glad you two would like to see each other. But as someone who is familiar with child psychology and development, it may be causing a problem with her if you are too close right now. She is 13 which is a very difficult age. It is one where most people begin to separate from their parents and learn who they are as individuals. Your involvement may cause much more confusion than necessary at this time for her.
Don't get me wrong. I don't think you should completely stop speaking to her. But I do think you should always respect her adoptive parents' choices for her and don't fight them over seeing her. You already said she is giving them a hard time about seeing you and you may be pitting her against them. A casual emailing relationship I think would be just fine for now. Wait until she is older and more mature to worry about meeting. Doing that right now could be greatly detrimental to her relationship with her adoptive parents and maybe even you. Don't take out your lingering issues with this adoption on how you act toward her.
Good luck and please take what I said seriously.
2006-09-25 17:38:16 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
just leave it alone for now. Let her have an address or email where she can locate you in the future and stop talking to her. Tell her she can locate you when she is 18. You are probably upseting the parents, let alone the mother. They have raised her as their daughter. They are scared that you may take her away emotionally. I have a son that is 8. He doesn't know his real dad. I plan to tell him when he is 12 or 13, but I will not allow him to meet him until he is 18. His father is a loser. My husband is so terrified of that day we have to tell him.
You are only going to make things worse right now. It's too bad that you had to give her up, but it was for the best and she probably has a more comfortable life. It is hard to raise a child that young.
2006-09-26 00:06:20 · answer #2 · answered by tmae 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You gave away rights to your daughter when you let her parents adopt her. Trying to see her behind their back could get you in serious legal trouble, such as kidnapping. Maybe they would let you visit with her at their house with them present. If not you could talk to lawyer and see what you could do legally to get some visitation with her, if you can do anything. Waiting until she's 18 would be the simplest and least costly solution. Regardless, you should encourage her to respect and obey her parents. You gave her up to give her a better life. Let her parents do the best they can and let her know you're there for her but you will do as her parents wish. That would be the best thing for her. It is very confusing at 13 to get mixed messages.
2006-09-26 00:52:25 · answer #3 · answered by Sarrah 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is very sad that when you are 16 you were a minor and your father has given your child for adoption. On the other had the couple who had received the child are majors at that point of time and they have looked after her for 13 years. This would have definetly generated lot of affection & love on the couple and today plucking out their joy would be criminal. At the same time it would be cruel to deny you the rights of showering love to your own child. The best thing I would suggest you is to talk to couple and explain your mind and also give them the confidence that you will not take the child away from them and then come closer to your child.
2006-09-26 00:29:29 · answer #4 · answered by ssmindia 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that it is a good idea to abide by her parent's wishes. If the roles were reversed you would want her to listen to you. Perhapse you could ask her parents (without her knowing so that they are free to say "no") if you could visit with her in a supervised fashion.
Remember that she isn't your daughter, you gave her away to a couple who raised her and loved her as their own. Giving her up for adoption was the best thing you coud have done for her.
Give it some time, don't alienate her from her parents and remember that though you are her biological mother you are not her mother.
I know that this sounds harsh, but it will be better in the long run.
2006-09-26 00:05:42 · answer #5 · answered by kd36 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunatly, you do. First of all, you want her adoptive parents to feel comfortable with you, since legally, they hold the power. Secondly, she is their daughter by law, and if that's what they say, you'll have a very hard time contesting it. Try talking to the parents about it, and explain calmly and rationally why you need to see your daughter. And also, understand where they're coming from. They adopted her because they wanted a child. they're scared to death that she'll abandon them and leave them without children again. I'm not saying what they're doing is right, but it's a big part of your delima.
2006-09-26 00:02:11 · answer #6 · answered by fireballfanaticgirl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My wife and I adopted our son back in 1970. We had a lot of problems with him. He always insisted "you are not my real Momma and Daddy". We held tight and made him wait until he was 18 before we told him where his parents were.
He went to see them separately (they were divorced) one time and never went back. He did not at all like what he found. Which bring me to my point. Suppose you are able to see your daughter. What kind of person is she going to find? From the general tone of your letter I am guessing you are still unable to be a proper role model for a child.
She is likely old enough now to discern the presence of character. Ask your self do you really want this child to see the real you? Suppose she does not like what she finds as my son did not like what he found. What then?
I urge you to give this matter some time. The young lady is at a critical juncture in life and you should not be interferring until she is more mature.
2006-09-26 00:35:03 · answer #7 · answered by barrettins 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get a lawyer and explain the situation because u were forced to give her up it wasn't that u were unfit so their shouldn't be any reason why u can't see her or get her back if u wanted to. Usually they wait until the child is old enough to decide what they want. If they return children to mothers that had them taken away for a reason i don't see what will be holding u back from seeing her. But get a lawyer because it seems like the parents she is with will probably try to fight that.
2006-09-26 00:55:04 · answer #8 · answered by princessnpapito 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honey, I feel for you, but honestly this is why all adoptions should be closed. Those people are her parents, not babysitters. Part of why she may be giving them a hard time is because she has this dreamy picture of what life would be like with you and her parents have rules she doesn't want to abide by.
You could ask her parents if you could see her, but I truly think you'll be doing more harm than good.
2006-09-26 00:16:28 · answer #9 · answered by SLWrites 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't know the laws... but I'm guessing the adoptive family wouldn't be too happy if you went behind their back. Also... they are her legal parents... so if you tried to see her and it was against their wishes - their say would matter...not really yours.
Sorry... I can't imagine what it must feel like to have a daughter you can see. Do though be happy you can communicate some with her...
2006-09-26 00:03:03 · answer #10 · answered by B L 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋