I am soooooooo close to hating my daughter! Can you Help?

Question

She stared a new job in July and left two of her three boys for me to watch. They stay with me 24/7. She will not even get them on her days off. She will not help with the expense of raising them, they are ages 7 and 6. She claims to not have the money to pay for a babysitter but today I found out that she bought a little puppy for a few hundred dollars. How can she spend time and money on a dog that she will not spend on her kids? If I stop watching the boys they will go to their father and he is pysically abusive. I don't want them to go to foster care but I need help. I feel like I am beginning to hate my own daughter.Is there any way I can get her to have more to do with her children without putting them in jeopardy? The boys don't want to be with either one of their parents but I have a hard time getting them to listen to me. If I threaten to send them home they get upset. I feel like I have nowhere to turn. I don't know what to do.

Coleen does not know what she is talking about! Everyone in my family has always wanted me to be the one to watch their children because I love kids and do a great job with them. My daughter has problems of her own that have nothing to do with me. I don't want money for taking care of my grandchildren, they need things that I can't always afford to provide for them on the meager income my husband and I have. I think that the parents of these children can provide for them finacially at least. - My daughter gets a very small amount of child support form the father of the children I am watching. When she tries to have the amount raised he quits his job. - She has a 3 yr old and his fathers family members watch him three days a week and she and the father get him sometimes .I watch him occassionally. I don't hate my daughter, I hate her actions.I'm afraid she'll get the kids and take out her anger on them if I confront her.I have 2 other kids of my own and they are GREAT!

Answer 1

Well I will try. Check in your state and see if you have alaw called the grand parents law or rights. File for it or file for gardinship for them. Then if you are not working and you are middle to low income, most states have what is call something like work source program. You can call your unemployment office and ask if they have a program.It is issued through the department where of work source or the employment office. They will pay you a little for keeping the children. Sit down and right her a letter detailing exactly how you feel that she is abusing you and neglecting her children. Tell her this are the rules. you keep the kids, she applies for the help, pays the remainder, or goes to school. Only under those circumstances will you continue to do what you are doing. First of all, if the father is abusive and he has any calls, he will have a hard time getting custody as you have been primary care taker. If Childrens services step in , they prefer to give the children to a family memeber and not to foster care. Last but not least record on paper everyday, every incident, everytime she doesn't show up everything. date, time, ect. Even if she moves or has problems with utilities being cute off or multiple homes. These things must be documented to protect your babies. Last you are enabling her to do what she is doing. I no how hard this is but beleive you me follow this program and you will see a difference if she is going to change. I have had to take custody of 2 step grand-children and I know what you are going through but you must not let her use you. I have a freind whose daughter is doing the same thing to here. The girl can't function as an adult as her mother and her aunt covers her every move, Rent, utilities, school care house paid for, clothes, cell and lots of other stuff. This girl can never learn to be a parent if you don't step back. Before I get off my soap box force her into theraphy. You to go together and things will come out by the third party. G-d Bless and know you are not alone.

Answer 2

Wow you are sure in a tough situation..

I didn't read anywhere that you DON'T want to raise these kids, all I am hearing is that you need help and it is understandable and very much deserved.

Sounds like your daughter has some major growing up to do however she is past the age of which it is your responsibility. Your main concern now should be for the well being of those children. If you truly don't mind raising them then I would take your daughter and the father to court and get custody and child support. Once they have lived with you for 6 months without care from their parents you can charge them with abandonment. (It might be a year)

I seriously believe you have a case against your daughter however the father may be able to step in and take the children. Hire a good attorney, ask for a court appointed attorney for the children, and take this issue to court.

I know it is hard to consider taking your own daughter to court but you have to think about the children first. Maybe someday your daughter will grow up and decide she wants to be a part of her children's life and for their sake I hope she does. But she can't be your concern right now. She is making her own choices but the children need you to look out for them.

Even if you went to social services, they give priority to the grandparents before they will put the children in foster care. However they will not financially help the grandparents. But the children may qualify for AFDC (aid for dependent children). I'm not sure about that one but it would be worth looking into (Call SRS). If your not sure how to contact these agencies call your local county health department; they can point you in the right direction.

Also look in the phone book or contact a local attorney and find the number for your states legal aid services (fees are based on your income and since the children need to be represented and they have no income you might be able to get someone to defend their rights)

If nothing else I would call social services because they may be able to direct you to someone who can help with resources.

Good Luck!

Answer 3

First sit the boys down and explain to them that they have to listen to grandma they live with you now so there are rules that they have to go by and if they don't want to go to mom or dad they have to listen to granny or granny will have to send them to mom or dads next go to family court and file a petition for temporary custody and child support inform your daughter you are going to do so since she doesn't want them at the end of the day i know you must be tired and upset you raised your kids already and you should really just be enjoying being a grandma not raising them but if your all they have be there for them they will remember you and this time in their life and where is the other child who watches him

Answer 4

That's definately a hard situation you're in...

Sit down with her one day when they're at school or something and let her know how you feel... mention that you are seriously considering foster care (whether or not you are) and would she really want her babies to be put into homes with complete strangers? Approach it from an emotional angle that might give her a shock/wake-up call... Maybe then she will change and get her act together.

If not... then if you don't want to put them into homes (i wouldn't if they were my grandchildren) you might have to consider getting guardianship and child support. Try contacting social services for help?

Good luck =)

Answer 5

Threaten your daugther for custody and child support. I
know this sounds harsh but it sounds like she could care less about her kids, or maybe she is just not ready to be a parent. If she is already getting child support from the father then threaten to turn her in for misuse of the money.

Answer 6

Is there anyone else in the famly that is willing to help?
Start there, if that doesn't help then let there mother know that you are considering foster care due to the fact of no help. You can get finiancial help from the state if you seek custody or if the childern are awarded to you. You might want to a social worker or department of childern services. I wish you the best there arenot many grandmothers that are willing to take on such a task.

Answer 7

She is using you because you are letting her. No offense but she needs to make changes and lose the father if he is abusive and hold her accountable for raising her own kids. She needs to be reasoned with and take responsibility of her children or pay you to watch them SOMETIMES. Don't get used to being walked all over or it will get worse. Good luck.

Answer 8

hmmmm....
your daughter has emotional problems, and she needs professional help, as off YESTERDAY. She must not treat her children as if they were "things", and she can not just leave behind expecting from you to take care of them, nor should she allow to become emotionally unavailable to them. You should talk to a counsellor/psychologist in your area and seek professional advice on how to proceed with this matter.
You dont have to send the kids back to their abusive father, but he SHOULD be paying alimony, and if he is not doing it willingly, he should be ordered by a judge, and the same thing applies to the mother, she can not just find justifications-she is materially liable for her kids as well.

Answer 9

Ultimately you have control of this situation. You need to sit her down and explain to her that you have raised your kids and it's not fair for her to make you raise hers too. Set times that you are WILLING to watch them and stick to your guns about it. If she threatens to send them off to their dad tell her you will call children's services to have their well being observed. Don't let her control you. This girl clearly needs to grow up. You should print out all of the responses you get from this question too. Maybe then she'll realize what she is doing. Good luck.

Answer 10

Hi Denisse,
I'm really sorry to hear this, it is really sad to hear a mother (your daughter) acting like that. I would say to file child support from both of them. iIf they are no good taking care of their own children, then you should do something to get the money the kids deserve. Talk to a lawyer. It sounds really bad since she is your child, but you if she doesn't think about her children, then you should.
Good luck

~J